Report Day And Some Other Stuff

[Shadowed_dreams]

Tomorrow is report day.

I make no excuses for my report results. I believe I deserve whatever I get. I know there are many areas I could have worked harder on and many tests I could have done better on.

Being raped and abused two years ago shouldn't factor in any more. I should be over it. But thing is, I'm not.

It still affects me. There are still nights where I can't sleep ... where, when I do sleep, I have horrible dreams, most of which I never remember for more than a minute. But none the less, I am not over it. Not even close.

I wish I could say that I am and mean it.

It happened two years ago. I loved him ... more than I did myself. He hurt me without hesitation. He said I deserved it. At times I still think I do, despite what my current boyfriend says.

He is the only person I'm really open with, but still so closed off. I've built an ivory tower and he is the one that has been able to climb over the wall.

The wall that blocks it all out. The wall that separates me and everything else.

He loves me. And for that, I am both happy and sad. I am happy because my abuser had deemed me "un-lovable." I am sad because I have nothing to give back.

I don't feel. I pretend to have emotions. I can't feel anything really. I'm numb. I've been this way for a while.

But he deserves better. A LOT better.

Better than me ... A LOT better.

But he keeps telling me "it doesn't matter, I love you." "I see what they can't." "I will never hurt you like he did. Never."

He is very sincere. He has this innocent look in his eyes. I doubt he would hurt a fly. He loves me and I have nothing to give back. Sometimes, I think he is better off agreeing with his friends about me, rather than defending me. But I am eternally grateful for him defending me. No one really does anymore.

He is lost though, really lost. He has been through a lot. Too much ... he is borderline suicidal like me. He needs God more than anything, we both do.

He says he doesn't deserve me ... but really it's the other way around.

Please pray for us.

My best friend doesn't think she's beautiful. She stands out, A LOT. She doesn't think the guy she loves will like her. He doesn't. I hate it. He likes - no, he loves me. I want him to love her. But he doesn't, he says "I can't predict the future."

I only want everything to turn out alright.

I am hurting. Everyone is hurting. Hurting really bad.

PLEASE. Pray for us.

Pray for our report cards. Pray for our sanity. Pray that we will continue fighting. Pray that God will have mercy on our souls. Pray for us. PLEASE.

I'd go back in time and change it ... but I can't.

 

[Cyndi]

Father please minister and heal ### life. Let her feel your presence and help her to receive your unconditional love forgiveness and mercy. Father I thank you that your mercy is new every morning. Please Father help her to reach out and take what you want to give to her. Thank you Lord IN Jesus Name Amen

 

[Renaissance]

Dear Lord, please wrap this woman in your gentle arms and keep her safe under u'r wings. U make all things new. Please bless her life with this newness and help her place her complete trust upon u. You know her struggles, her hurts and pains. U are well able to heal them all. Give u'r daughter, a heart, ready to receive the abundant life u have in store for her. Help her move ahead with enough faith in u, Dear Father. Also, intervene in the lives of people whom she has been in relationship in the past and the present. Do what is best for her, Lord, in u'r perfect will. Provide u'r peace and sanity in her life. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

 

[need your prayers]

Dear heavenly Father, I just lift up this sweet woman and her prayers to you. We know that you hear her and know all of the desires of her heart. Help her to feel again, Lord. Help her to forgive the man who raped her and to forgive herself. Give her peace, Lord. Bless her and keep her in the palm of your hand. Help her walls to crumble so that she can feel the love that is being given to her. In Jesus' name, I pray. I stand together with her in this prayer and where 2 of us come together in prayer, we know that You will be there with us.

 

[Shadowed_dreams]

I just want to thank you all for praying for me. Really.

My report is in and I did a lot better than I had expected. God has been really good to me. I am so grateful.

I read a lot. And right now I am currently reading "The perks of being a wallflower." I don't know if any of you has ever read this book, but it is an eye-opener.

I was on the brink of tears a few minutes ago because of it. Please read it.

I think that God's message for you through me today is that no matter what you are going through, he understands. Jesus is here, waiting for you with open arms, to wash away your sin, restore you, and welcome you into his kingdom. But you have to make the first step. The choice is yours.

And it's a choice I have chosen.