M
matt
Guest
Dear all,
I've had some form of mental illness now for over seven years. I've been seeing a doctor and counselors that whole time, but nothing seems to be working very well. The doctors keep changing my diagnosis giving me all sorts of medications. One of the meds did a little something, but most if them I haven't done a thing. Alot of the medications have really serious side effects which makes me all the more nervous. I don't want to take a medication unless I absolutly have too. And since the art of diagnosing mental health problems isn't as scientific and of diagnosis in the medical field it leaves wondering every now and then if I'm even on the right path. But I'm suffering everyday, and everyday is a struggle just to keep alive. My last doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. But I still wonder if I just have major depression, and should be receiving treatment for that instead of bipolar. I'm sure what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I'm either afraid of dying, without being ready to die, or I'll wind up a permanent zombie in a hospital completely unloved and incapacitated. Dear lord, don't make my struggle of all these years be in vain. I feel like I need to try harder, but I don't know if it would help or not. I pray forever sometimes and I don't know if it helps or not. Every day I try to do what's right and best for me. I wish I could just relax and know that this horrible time would only be in passing. I'd like to think my efforts aren't doing that opposite of making me better, but making it worse. I feel guilty and for everything. Even thing that never bothered before this happened, bother me like crazy. I'm just racked with guilt and feel some strange notion that I deserve this.
I try talking to my parents when I feel things looking worse, but I can't tell if its really helping or not. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the counseling and support groups. Sometimes I feel suicidal; sometimes I don't. In addition to counseling I try see the priests sometimes. I take thier advice to heart, but I not sure. I definately blame myself for this "disease" (if it really is that). And if I don't blame myself, I do blame myself for taking myself off of my medications one time. That was when I was doing better and didn't think I needed to take them. I feel like I blew my one chance at getting better. I wonder how things could have been different. Everyone tells me its not my fault, and that this would have happened anyway. I just wish I knew what to do. The priest tells me that I'm not the only one going through this and that I can't control my thoughts, so essentally don't try. And they tell me to not be distracted by my problems, and try give to other people all the same. But regardless, I feel like I'm being asked to do the impossible; and that I'm slowly running out of steam (winding down with any day being my last).
I feel like God isn't there for me. That I won't submit to his will and I shut him out from my life and this is the real reason for my suffering. The quotes like "all you weary one's come and rest and I will take, ease your burden" or the one like "ask and ye shall recieve, knock and it will be given" etc. Nothing's changing because I refuse to change. I don't know if I need to do something to change the situation, or are my efforts hampering my progress? Or would/will the work itself out regardless of what I do? It seems I have nothing but questions and no answers. I rationalize in my own mind with God that if I got better I would do this in return, like joing the trappist monks, or some type of eternal devotion to God for getting me better. Something I wouldn't have done had this never come upon me. I don't know what to do.
For any and all prayers and anyone willing to pray for me.
Matt
I've had some form of mental illness now for over seven years. I've been seeing a doctor and counselors that whole time, but nothing seems to be working very well. The doctors keep changing my diagnosis giving me all sorts of medications. One of the meds did a little something, but most if them I haven't done a thing. Alot of the medications have really serious side effects which makes me all the more nervous. I don't want to take a medication unless I absolutly have too. And since the art of diagnosing mental health problems isn't as scientific and of diagnosis in the medical field it leaves wondering every now and then if I'm even on the right path. But I'm suffering everyday, and everyday is a struggle just to keep alive. My last doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. But I still wonder if I just have major depression, and should be receiving treatment for that instead of bipolar. I'm sure what I'm saying doesn't make sense. I'm either afraid of dying, without being ready to die, or I'll wind up a permanent zombie in a hospital completely unloved and incapacitated. Dear lord, don't make my struggle of all these years be in vain. I feel like I need to try harder, but I don't know if it would help or not. I pray forever sometimes and I don't know if it helps or not. Every day I try to do what's right and best for me. I wish I could just relax and know that this horrible time would only be in passing. I'd like to think my efforts aren't doing that opposite of making me better, but making it worse. I feel guilty and for everything. Even thing that never bothered before this happened, bother me like crazy. I'm just racked with guilt and feel some strange notion that I deserve this.
I try talking to my parents when I feel things looking worse, but I can't tell if its really helping or not. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of the counseling and support groups. Sometimes I feel suicidal; sometimes I don't. In addition to counseling I try see the priests sometimes. I take thier advice to heart, but I not sure. I definately blame myself for this "disease" (if it really is that). And if I don't blame myself, I do blame myself for taking myself off of my medications one time. That was when I was doing better and didn't think I needed to take them. I feel like I blew my one chance at getting better. I wonder how things could have been different. Everyone tells me its not my fault, and that this would have happened anyway. I just wish I knew what to do. The priest tells me that I'm not the only one going through this and that I can't control my thoughts, so essentally don't try. And they tell me to not be distracted by my problems, and try give to other people all the same. But regardless, I feel like I'm being asked to do the impossible; and that I'm slowly running out of steam (winding down with any day being my last).
I feel like God isn't there for me. That I won't submit to his will and I shut him out from my life and this is the real reason for my suffering. The quotes like "all you weary one's come and rest and I will take, ease your burden" or the one like "ask and ye shall recieve, knock and it will be given" etc. Nothing's changing because I refuse to change. I don't know if I need to do something to change the situation, or are my efforts hampering my progress? Or would/will the work itself out regardless of what I do? It seems I have nothing but questions and no answers. I rationalize in my own mind with God that if I got better I would do this in return, like joing the trappist monks, or some type of eternal devotion to God for getting me better. Something I wouldn't have done had this never come upon me. I don't know what to do.
For any and all prayers and anyone willing to pray for me.
Matt
