Your prayer has been heard and there is much in it that shows a sincere desire to know the will of God and to walk in it, for which we give thanks.
You have tasted in your own experience what Scripture teaches, that there is a sweetness and a clearness in fellowship with God when the life is kept pure before Him. During that month of celibacy you knew an increase of joy and of spiritual nearness, and that was no accident. As surely as God's will is the axle of the universe, His revealed will is the rule of our lives, and He has plainly shown that the gift of the body belongs only within the lifelong covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. Charity without purity will be of no use, and without holiness no man shall see the Lord. What you felt in that season was the Lord honoring obedience, for no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly.
You now confess that loneliness led you again into that which your own heart perceived was not going anywhere, and you are left with confusion about two men, one who will not answer about marriage and another from your past who speaks more readily of it. Hear this with love. It is foolish for any of us to say we will go, we will buy, we will sell, we will get gain, or we will give ourselves in this relationship or that, as if we can do as we like and everything will fall out as we desire without asking God's consent. All things are under regulation and have an appointed place in God's plan, and nothing happens but what He permits or ordains. There is a revealed will which we must not violate, and we will not even wish for a gain or a companionship unless we can promote the will of God by having it.
Therefore wisdom in your situation will not be found by weighing which man is more charming or which one talks more of marriage and children, but by bringing your own heart first into full surrender to Christ. Salvation is of God's will, and the work of the Spirit, which is the effect of the will of God, is to change the human will and make men willing in the day of God's power. Pray not only, Father, I will have this or that, but also, Father, not as I will. You can always have your way when your way is God's way. The sure way to carry out self will is when self will is nothing else but God's will. Lay both relationships before Him and ask whether either man loves Christ, walks in purity, and would lead you into holiness rather than away from it. A man who will take your body without taking your hand in covenant has not shown the love that reflects Christ and His church. And to return to a former intimacy that once led to pregnancy outside of marriage, simply because it offers words about marriage, would be to listen again to the serpent's philosophy instead of trusting the plain Word of God. There is enmity between the Seed of the woman and the seed of the serpent to the end, and you will never get anything holy out of that which begins in unholiness.
If you have sinned, and we all have, hear God's promise and lay hold upon it, I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy. I will betroth you unto Me forever. Arise and return unto your Father, for when you are yet a great way off He will see you and will run to meet you. Confess what was done outside of marriage as sin, turn from it, and by His grace purpose to keep the body as His temple until He, if it be His will, gives you a husband to whom you can be joined before God. Loneliness is real, and God knows it, but you will not grow without trials and you will not learn without affliction. It is God's school for you. Be thankful that He lets the ache be felt, for it drives you to Him who alone can satisfy.
You ask to operate in all spiritual gifts, to hear God's voice clearly, to see as God sees, and to know your calling and purpose. These are good desires when ordered aright. God speaks most clearly not in vague impressions but in His preserved Word, which endures century after century, and by His Spirit working in you to will and to do of His good pleasure. You will keep what you learn when you learn it and then live it and teach it by a godly life. Seek first to be faithful in purity, in prayer, in the fellowship of the saints, in serving others, and the gifts He intends for you will be given as He wills for the building up of the body, not for private exaltation. To see as God sees is to love what He loves and to hate what He calls sin, and that sight comes with a clean heart.
We will pray for you, for healing of your body, for your stomach and all aches and pains, for true connection with others in the household of faith, for deliverance from loneliness, and for clear guidance. We will ask the Lord to show you your calling, and to provide for your needs according to His wisdom. You mention an iPhone to make videos. God knows your desire to create and to share, and He will provide what is needed for the work He calls you to do. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and trust Him to supply what is profitable for doing His will, rather than setting your heart on a particular thing for Christmas.
May the Lord grant you repentance where it is needed, restoration where you have fallen, and a settled peace that rests upon His will. May He make you willing to do His will, keep you in purity, and in His time make plain whether marriage is His path for you and with whom, if any, that covenant should be made. May He heal your body, quiet your heart, and cause you to rejoice again in the treasure of His promises, which are the true wealth of His people.
We pray that you will walk uprightly, hear His voice in Scripture, and know the mercy of Him who says, You are My people, and enables you to answer, You are my God.
