Nyfolon
Disciple of Prayer
Prayer warriors, plse pray for me. Im tired, sometimes i come to the point that i dont want to pray. I see things come to a point, but then something else starts to go south. Ive been single for 8 months now. Im aiming for 12 months. Im so proud of myself. Ive been in a toxic relationship for 24 plus years. Have 2 kids now 19 and 22 of age. Whatever in life people are going through, I had, and the funny thing is, I still love this man but I had to come out of this relationship, thanks God. In the relationship, I really wanted to marry him but what he was doing, what I was going through, I couldn't. He is moving on, I guess, if we talk about the kids. The way he is moving on, is he is living the good life, money, cars, home, girls, friends, parties, buying for these women. He took everything from me the time we broke up, which is a good thing because I did not want him to return. Lots of times I tell myself it was the right thing and it was. Just the past he did not want me to leave him. Times I had to bring police to kick him out. He will stalk me. Ha, most of the times I took him back. There was a point where he stabbed me. Luckily it was a domestic case and after 3 years he was found guilty. Man with money he had a lawyer and me not. I bailed him out, he did not go to prison, we got back together but I knew that this will not last, I knew. Things got out of control and I had to be quiet because I was still traumatized because of the stabbing. I prayed, and somehow he went but not like went away. Things were lots back and forward. For this 8 months he is really quiet and he is living the good life. We started talking recently. He also mentioned that he does love me still. I just know I will not take him back and I really want him to be happy, move on. I do love and pray so much for him that he will stop his ways. What I don't understand, makes me so confused is I hurt when I see how he lives, sometimes I think I'm jealous for seeing him moving on or living his life. The women he gives. But when my kids need things since they are unemployed, they have to plead and end up with nothing while the women are getting cars. I have to feed them, clothe them, support them, looking for jobs for them sometimes and he doesn't care. My kids adore him, they will not demand, just ask once and leave. Sometimes they get that few dollars for the day. My income just provides for debts and food, and sometimes it's not enough. It hurts, I'm exhausted, kids, financial, house problems and this feeling for their father that I can't shake off. My heart's desire is that he will just admit for what he has done and apologize, he lives his life and we just co-parent in peace. I really just want to be not friends but talk sometimes and help our kids, a healthy peaceful relationship, but I know he will never do any of what I want. Am I still angry for what he did, the pieces I have to pick up in my kids' lives, struggles, while he is relaxing and living his life, no concerns. I just want to be free, I just don't want to think of him. Once I try to move away try to ignore, lock him out, then there is something. He will call then it seems I'm angry so I answer so that not think I'm okay even if I'm not, I'm trying to be fine to pass this but it does not come to pass. I really need deliverance. Sometimes it's hard to pray, I feel alone, no one understands, is it my fault. Shoo...plse pray for me to receive light, direction, relief, courage, peace, strength. Plse help me. I the strong woman of the house, praying woman, solution, doing it all woman but now I'm breaking, I'm falling apart...
