Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty before Jesus is a good and necessary starting place. Feeling ashamed and saying you do not want to ever put your hands on this man again is serious, and God hears that cry for help. The desire to stop the bickering and physical fighting is right, and it needs to become more than a feeling. It needs to become a real change.
In Scripture repentance is not just feeling sorry or crying. It means a change. If there is no change, there has not been true repentance. John called people to a baptism of repentance in the Jordan, which pictured dying to the old life and rising to live a new one. He told even religious people to bring forth fruit that shows repentance is real. Tears alone are not enough. Esau wept bitterly when he lost the blessing, but his tears were tears of anger and bitterness against his brother, not tears of turning from his own sin. God looks for the fruit, the changed actions and choices that prove the heart has turned.
That kind of change does not come from trying harder in your own strength. The story of Jacob shows this. For years he lived as a self governed, self sufficient, clever man trying to manage everything himself. God gave him a new name and a new nature. He was no longer to be self governed but governed by God. That is what the new birth does. God wants to change your nature from relying on yourself to relying on and trusting Him, so your life is governed by His Spirit. You cannot control another person, and you are right to ask for help accepting what you cannot change in him. You can only take responsibility for your own heart, hands, and choices before God.
Scripture also speaks plainly about anger. When Jacob was old he gathered his sons and still rebuked Simeon and Levi, saying cursed be their anger for they had killed men in their violence. God does not take anger and physical harm lightly. Love does not strike, and a relationship where hands are used to hurt is not safe or healthy. If you are living together outside of marriage, that also places you outside of God's good design, where sex and sharing a home belong within the lifelong covenant of one man and one woman in marriage. God calls us to purity and to peace, not to a cycle of fighting and making up.
It is the goodness of God that leads us to repentance. You do not have to stay in shame. When God corrects His children, it is to bring them to confession so that sin can be forgiven and washed away. Once sin is confessed, He forgives and does not require you to keep paying for it. Receive His goodness and let it lead you to turn fully from violence.
You mentioned wanting to love yourself more and to prioritize your goals before helping others. The right order is to love God first with all your heart, and then to love your neighbor as yourself. That means seeing yourself as God sees you, made in His image, valuable because Jesus died for you, and called to steward your life with wisdom. Loving yourself in a biblical way is not selfish pride. It is caring for the life God gave you, setting healthy boundaries, and using your time and gifts to honor Him. Prioritizing your goals is good when those goals are set under God's direction.
You also need help accepting what you cannot change. There is great peace in knowing God is on the throne and in control even when we are not. A ruler long ago thought he was in control of the world when he ordered a census, but he was only a small part in fulfilling what God had already promised. In the same way, you are not in control of this man, and you are not meant to be. God is. Trusting that He reigns frees you from trying to force change in another person and helps you focus on obedience in your own life.
For repentance to bear fruit here, take practical steps in addition to prayer:
Bring this into the light with a mature, trusted pastor or biblical counselor right away, and invite ongoing accountability. Do not fight this battle alone.
Make a clear commitment to zero physical violence and put safeguards in place. That means when anger rises, you leave the situation, you do not use your hands, you do not throw things, you do not block or grab. If you feel out of control, get to a safe place and get help.
If you are in danger or if he is violent toward you, seek safety immediately and get help from trusted leaders or appropriate authorities. Ongoing fighting that becomes physical is not something to manage quietly.
If you are living together outside of marriage, take steps to live separately and pursue purity. If you are considering marriage, it should only be entered into where there is proven, lasting fruit of repentance, self control, and peace over time, with counsel confirming it.
Learn new patterns for conflict. When you feel the urge to bicker, pause, pray, and speak with gentleness or remain silent until you can do so. Study what Scripture says about the tongue, anger, and self control, and ask the Holy Spirit to govern your responses.
I pray for you now. Father, thank You for this honest heart that does not want to hurt another person again. Grant true repentance that leads to real change. Forgive sin as it is confessed, wash this life clean through Jesus Christ, and give a new nature that is governed by Your Spirit. Teach how to trust You with what cannot be changed in another person, and to rest in Your control. Give wisdom to love this life as You love it, to steward goals and responsibilities in a way that honors You, and to walk in purity and peace. Provide wise counsel, safety, and accountability, and bring forth lasting fruit that shows a changed heart. Lead away from anger and violence and into gentleness and self control. In Jesus name, amen.
In Scripture repentance is not just feeling sorry or crying. It means a change. If there is no change, there has not been true repentance. John called people to a baptism of repentance in the Jordan, which pictured dying to the old life and rising to live a new one. He told even religious people to bring forth fruit that shows repentance is real. Tears alone are not enough. Esau wept bitterly when he lost the blessing, but his tears were tears of anger and bitterness against his brother, not tears of turning from his own sin. God looks for the fruit, the changed actions and choices that prove the heart has turned.
That kind of change does not come from trying harder in your own strength. The story of Jacob shows this. For years he lived as a self governed, self sufficient, clever man trying to manage everything himself. God gave him a new name and a new nature. He was no longer to be self governed but governed by God. That is what the new birth does. God wants to change your nature from relying on yourself to relying on and trusting Him, so your life is governed by His Spirit. You cannot control another person, and you are right to ask for help accepting what you cannot change in him. You can only take responsibility for your own heart, hands, and choices before God.
Scripture also speaks plainly about anger. When Jacob was old he gathered his sons and still rebuked Simeon and Levi, saying cursed be their anger for they had killed men in their violence. God does not take anger and physical harm lightly. Love does not strike, and a relationship where hands are used to hurt is not safe or healthy. If you are living together outside of marriage, that also places you outside of God's good design, where sex and sharing a home belong within the lifelong covenant of one man and one woman in marriage. God calls us to purity and to peace, not to a cycle of fighting and making up.
It is the goodness of God that leads us to repentance. You do not have to stay in shame. When God corrects His children, it is to bring them to confession so that sin can be forgiven and washed away. Once sin is confessed, He forgives and does not require you to keep paying for it. Receive His goodness and let it lead you to turn fully from violence.
You mentioned wanting to love yourself more and to prioritize your goals before helping others. The right order is to love God first with all your heart, and then to love your neighbor as yourself. That means seeing yourself as God sees you, made in His image, valuable because Jesus died for you, and called to steward your life with wisdom. Loving yourself in a biblical way is not selfish pride. It is caring for the life God gave you, setting healthy boundaries, and using your time and gifts to honor Him. Prioritizing your goals is good when those goals are set under God's direction.
You also need help accepting what you cannot change. There is great peace in knowing God is on the throne and in control even when we are not. A ruler long ago thought he was in control of the world when he ordered a census, but he was only a small part in fulfilling what God had already promised. In the same way, you are not in control of this man, and you are not meant to be. God is. Trusting that He reigns frees you from trying to force change in another person and helps you focus on obedience in your own life.
For repentance to bear fruit here, take practical steps in addition to prayer:
Bring this into the light with a mature, trusted pastor or biblical counselor right away, and invite ongoing accountability. Do not fight this battle alone.
Make a clear commitment to zero physical violence and put safeguards in place. That means when anger rises, you leave the situation, you do not use your hands, you do not throw things, you do not block or grab. If you feel out of control, get to a safe place and get help.
If you are in danger or if he is violent toward you, seek safety immediately and get help from trusted leaders or appropriate authorities. Ongoing fighting that becomes physical is not something to manage quietly.
If you are living together outside of marriage, take steps to live separately and pursue purity. If you are considering marriage, it should only be entered into where there is proven, lasting fruit of repentance, self control, and peace over time, with counsel confirming it.
Learn new patterns for conflict. When you feel the urge to bicker, pause, pray, and speak with gentleness or remain silent until you can do so. Study what Scripture says about the tongue, anger, and self control, and ask the Holy Spirit to govern your responses.
I pray for you now. Father, thank You for this honest heart that does not want to hurt another person again. Grant true repentance that leads to real change. Forgive sin as it is confessed, wash this life clean through Jesus Christ, and give a new nature that is governed by Your Spirit. Teach how to trust You with what cannot be changed in another person, and to rest in Your control. Give wisdom to love this life as You love it, to steward goals and responsibilities in a way that honors You, and to walk in purity and peace. Provide wise counsel, safety, and accountability, and bring forth lasting fruit that shows a changed heart. Lead away from anger and violence and into gentleness and self control. In Jesus name, amen.
