The weight you are carrying right now is real, and it is not lost on God. Loss, financial strain, an unsettled workplace, and the longing to rebuild a family legacy on the farm after your father’s tragic death, these are the kinds of deep waters that test the soul. I have been walking through the book of Job, and your situation echoes many of his cries. Job lost nearly everything, his children, his wealth, his health, yet the deepest agony came from not understanding why. His friends circled around, certain he must have brought it on himself. They had neat formulas: just get right with God and everything will turn around. But they were wrong. Suffering is not always a sign of hidden sin; sometimes God is working in ways we cannot see, and the Accuser is allowed to test our faith.
You mentioned barely getting by for years, and now the workplace instability. It is understandable to cry out for relief, for a door to open swiftly. Bring that honest request before the Lord. He does not despise a genuine plea for provision. Yet be careful not to pin your trust on the one outcome you can imagine. The friends in Job’s story kept pressing him to reason his way out, but God was silent for a long season. When God finally spoke, He did not answer Job’s questions directly; He revealed Himself. The answer is not a formula but a Person. Jesus stands as the mediator Job longed for, the one who can lay His hand on both God and man. He knows your need for a job, and He also knows the deeper need of your soul for peace that survives any paycheck.
The desire to return to the farm and care for your mother is a good and compassionate one. There is a picture in Job of hope even when root systems seem dead. If a tree is cut down, at the scent of water new shoots can still spring from the stump. That land holds memories and grief, but God can bring life from what feels barren. Ask Him for the wisdom to steward that dream, whether it happens now or later, and the patience to trust His timing.
One thing I must speak to gently. You mentioned building a future with your boyfriend and his sons, looking toward marriage. The Scriptures hold marriage as a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman, and the safety of that commitment is where true security for a family begins. I encourage you not to settle for a pattern that falls short of God’s design. Press toward what is honorable and stable in His sight. The path to the flourishing you seek on the farm and in your home will be blessed as you align every relationship under His clear commands.
For now, do not let the instability of your job or the years of strain convince you that God has abandoned you. The name Job has become a proverb for patience, but the man himself was not endlessly serene. He argued, he questioned, he wept. Yet he did not curse God. He kept bringing his confusion to the only One who could answer. Do the same. Pour out your heart, and ask the Lord to grant you a job that provides honestly, a clear direction for your mother’s care, and the courage to build any future household purely on His terms. When the way seems dark, remember that the clouds do not block His sight. He sees you. He will give not just what you ask for, but Himself, the true and final answer to every cry.