My wife and I have been teetering lately, and it has been worrying me and creating angst in my spirit. I've prayed a few times on this site about what's been going on with us--I went back to school, trying to get back to making more money, but nothing has materialized yet. We're back living with my mother-in-law, and she seems to dominate the rest of the family time. My mother-in-law recently got a pool membership for herself, my wife, and my stepson, so when I come home from work everyone's usually gone. Our family's financial picture is not great either, and rather than discussing it, it seems like everyone is avoiding talking about how they're feeling, or what is on their mind. I have felt really pushed away lately. I've tried to talk to my wife about this a bunch of times, but she is in no mood, which is understandable. Why would you want to delve deep into intense feelings of angst or shortcomings when everything seems to be swirling above you. I feel like I am being selfish because I crave my wife's attention and connection desperately, but she is just trying to get through the day. It has led me to drinking. Not because I'm an alcoholic, but because I feel so disconnected from everyone and it feels like no one is talking to me. I don't know if it is because she is done with me, or has nothing left in the tank to give. Yesterday, she made a comment about my drinking, and I tried to explain..."I've been drinking because I have felt really alone, everyone seems to be gone"...she got quiet so I asked her if she had any thoughts and she said "No babe, I just don't have the emotional bandwidth right now"...I'm trying not to be needy. I'm trying to explain what's on my heart and although it feels like we're slowly chipping away at whatever the problem is, I just want to fix it so I can make her feel better. To give context, she is independent, and has been hurt by men in her life. Her father left her at a young age, her past partner cheated on her, so in moments like these she gets conflicted because I still don't think that issue has been addressed properly. But when the stress of life + a domineering mother + internal hurt + a ###-year-old = needy spouse and negative energy...I've found solace in all of your guys' supportive and kind words. One of the best lines has been "look to the littlest of things that each other give" and I have found that even in those moments of turmoil she still is reaching out the best she can at the moment. I guess I'm praying that one of these jobs materializes so I can set us back on a path towards being on our own again. I'm praying that the Holy Spirit can continue to soften her heart and work its way through to lift the weight of the world off of her shoulders. I know deep down this is not the end, and that God will allow all good things to happen and to defend us from the snares of evil thoughts, division and isolation that currently surround us...but Lord it is hard sometimes. Lord I do not wish to make my wife my idol, and I do not wish to be so needy that I ask for my cup to be filled when she is thirstier than I. Lord I ask that I be given the strength to endure for others even though I am weak and require sustenance too. Lord I pray that our family's spirit rebuilds and our connection strengthens again. Lord I rebuke the evil spirits that have been trying to divide us, and Lord I know that the enemy is attempting to divide us because when our family is strong there is nothing we cannot do. Lord I pray for your protection. I ask that you power through the Holy Spirit surround us and warm us like a summer evening--cool yet warm, calming the spirit and the mind and giving us all sense of peace. Lord I pray for those who read or respond to this, that your grace may be extended to them as well. For there are many of us who seek your comfort, and to those who read these words, please know that your kindness even the general "I prayed in Jesus name, amen" means so much to me and others that require a place to release their thoughts and feelings to others who may help alleviate the weight of the world on their shoulders. Many thanks, love, and prayers for peace to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that you Lord have us in the palm of your hand and all of this is temporary. I pray in Jesus Name, amen.
