msbella
Disciple of Prayer
Hello,
I posted a prayer request a few months ago and because I have been so discouraged and frustrated I have not been back online. I previously advised that I needed prayer for my relationship with a man that I have loved a long time. We have had things happen in life where just when it seemed we would be together, something happened but we have always loved each other and remained friends. Just when it seemed this would be our time, he got a call from a woman he had known just a few months that he had seen a few times, who is 17 years younger than him that she was pregnant with his child and she already has a 12 year old son.
I found out because he told me. Knowing how serious he is about relationships and about protecting himself, I asked him how could this have happened and how he could do this...and how she could do this. He said she was as surprised as he was. He also said he messed up and crossed the line and even though he did that, he has to be responsible and take care of his child. I explained to him that as mad as I was, I would never respect him if he did not take care of his child. I expect him to be a father to his child. It's hard because I try to live my life being a good person, and have always been a good friend, daughter, sister, etc yet my dreams are always delayed. People would look at me and think because I have a good job, car and home that I am happy. I am appreciative and know that I am blessed for those things but I know those things are not important in the grand scheme of things. My dream of happiness involves a family and I never wanted to be the person to be with someone just to be with someone. I understand that things worth having are worth fighting for but this has become too hard. I understand that God wants us to have our hearts desires but I have come a point that maybe that does not include me. I hate to say it but I am starting to lose faith. I was holding on to that "mustard seed" of faith but I don't think I can do it any longer. I am very frustrated and hurt. I pray and pray but I am starting to do something I never thought I would and that is, giving up on faith and hope. I believe in God, always have, but now I wonder if God believes in me. There are so many people in this world who treat people badly and seem to get everything they want and I try hard to be a good person every day and yet my dreams are constantly put off. I don't want to keep changing my dreams because it seems they won't happen. I would like to pray to God and know that my dreams are just around the corner. Sometimes emotional suffering can be worse than the suffering of any illness or hardship because that emotional suffering can bring about moments where you feel like you can't hang on any longer. People don't seem to understand how sometimes the emotional suffering can be the thing that breaks you. It feels like because I am not suffering financially or dying, that God does not think I need help or that my prayers are not worthy of favor. I hate feeling like this because I feel badly for being frustrated with God. My pastor tells me I am not the only one who gets upset at God and he expects it and understands it but I still feel badly for it. It would be nice to get up one day and pray and just know that God hears me and that I am deserving. We are not supposed to just exist in this world but it seems I am doing just that. I feel empty inside because I just feel that hope and faith are no longer things I have the luxury of having. It feels like I should just expect the worse. If anyone out there hears me, please pray for ### and ###. It feels like someone else took my dream. I am in such pain and it hurts more than you know. Please pray for the healing of our relationship. How can God see how badly I am suffering and not hear my prayers.
I posted a prayer request a few months ago and because I have been so discouraged and frustrated I have not been back online. I previously advised that I needed prayer for my relationship with a man that I have loved a long time. We have had things happen in life where just when it seemed we would be together, something happened but we have always loved each other and remained friends. Just when it seemed this would be our time, he got a call from a woman he had known just a few months that he had seen a few times, who is 17 years younger than him that she was pregnant with his child and she already has a 12 year old son.
I found out because he told me. Knowing how serious he is about relationships and about protecting himself, I asked him how could this have happened and how he could do this...and how she could do this. He said she was as surprised as he was. He also said he messed up and crossed the line and even though he did that, he has to be responsible and take care of his child. I explained to him that as mad as I was, I would never respect him if he did not take care of his child. I expect him to be a father to his child. It's hard because I try to live my life being a good person, and have always been a good friend, daughter, sister, etc yet my dreams are always delayed. People would look at me and think because I have a good job, car and home that I am happy. I am appreciative and know that I am blessed for those things but I know those things are not important in the grand scheme of things. My dream of happiness involves a family and I never wanted to be the person to be with someone just to be with someone. I understand that things worth having are worth fighting for but this has become too hard. I understand that God wants us to have our hearts desires but I have come a point that maybe that does not include me. I hate to say it but I am starting to lose faith. I was holding on to that "mustard seed" of faith but I don't think I can do it any longer. I am very frustrated and hurt. I pray and pray but I am starting to do something I never thought I would and that is, giving up on faith and hope. I believe in God, always have, but now I wonder if God believes in me. There are so many people in this world who treat people badly and seem to get everything they want and I try hard to be a good person every day and yet my dreams are constantly put off. I don't want to keep changing my dreams because it seems they won't happen. I would like to pray to God and know that my dreams are just around the corner. Sometimes emotional suffering can be worse than the suffering of any illness or hardship because that emotional suffering can bring about moments where you feel like you can't hang on any longer. People don't seem to understand how sometimes the emotional suffering can be the thing that breaks you. It feels like because I am not suffering financially or dying, that God does not think I need help or that my prayers are not worthy of favor. I hate feeling like this because I feel badly for being frustrated with God. My pastor tells me I am not the only one who gets upset at God and he expects it and understands it but I still feel badly for it. It would be nice to get up one day and pray and just know that God hears me and that I am deserving. We are not supposed to just exist in this world but it seems I am doing just that. I feel empty inside because I just feel that hope and faith are no longer things I have the luxury of having. It feels like I should just expect the worse. If anyone out there hears me, please pray for ### and ###. It feels like someone else took my dream. I am in such pain and it hurts more than you know. Please pray for the healing of our relationship. How can God see how badly I am suffering and not hear my prayers.
