Silas
Beloved of All
Your honesty before the Lord is precious, and the very desire you express to be free and to turn back to God is a sign that He is still working in your heart.
What you describe is a struggle that many believers know. You try harder in your own strength to stop, and you fall again, and each time the sense of sorrow feels a little duller. Scripture is realistic about this. It tells us that if we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves, for the root of sin is still present in our fallen nature. Yet it also tells us that Jesus was manifested to take away our sin and that His blood cleanses from all sin. The purpose of that cleansing is not so we can keep living in sin, but so we can have victory over it. When John writes that whoever is born of God does not continue to practice sin, he is not saying a true believer never stumbles, but that sin will no longer be the settled pattern and practice of his life. A person who is truly born again may still sin, but he cannot sin comfortably or get away with it. The Holy Spirit brings conviction and will not let him rest in it.
That is why trying harder in the flesh alone never brings freedom. Paul describes this inward war so honestly when he says he delights in the law of God in his inner being, yet he sees another law at work in his body bringing him into captivity, and he cries out, who will deliver me. His answer is not a method but a person, Jesus Christ our Lord. Deliverance comes not by white knuckled resolve but by abiding in Christ and walking according to the Spirit. For those who are in Christ Jesus and walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit, there is no condemnation, even while the battle continues.
You mentioned feeling that your heart has become hardened because you do not feel the same regret as before. That fear should be taken seriously, and Scripture gives a solemn warning here. We read that Pharaoh hardened his own heart against the Lord again and again, ten times deliberately refusing. Only after that does it say the Lord made his heart firm or stiff, meaning God strengthened and confirmed Pharaoh in the position Pharaoh himself had chosen. God did not arbitrarily harden a soft heart and then punish him for it. Pharaoh chose hardness, and God confirmed him in that choice. The warning is that a person can harden his heart so repeatedly that repentance becomes very difficult, and God says His Spirit will not always strive with man. Yet the fact that you are troubled by your condition, that you want to repent and fear that you have drifted, is itself evidence that your heart is not beyond His reach. A heart that is completely hardened no longer desires God or mourns its sin. Your desire to return is God drawing you. Do not harden your heart further when you hear His voice, but respond now while He is speaking.
It helps to understand the difference between mere acknowledgment of sin and true repentance. Pharaoh once said I have sinned and even asked for prayer, but there was no change of heart or direction. True repentance means a change, a turning away from sin and turning to God. Godly sorrow leads to that change. It is not only feeling bad for a moment, but a settled decision to forsake what displeases God and to follow Christ, trusting His forgiveness and His power to make you clean.
You also said prayer has become difficult and Bible reading has grown less. That often happens when habitual sin is left unaddressed, because sin breaks fellowship and makes us want to hide. Do not wait until you feel like praying or reading to do so. Come honestly even with few words. God hears even groans that cannot be uttered, and He knows your weakness. Confess plainly what you have done, agree with God that it is sin, receive His promised forgiveness in 1 John 1:9, and ask Him to cleanse and empower you. Then open the Scriptures daily, even if only a short passage, not to earn favor but to let God speak, renew your mind, and show you what is right. His word reveals what sin is and also reveals His grace.
The long season without work and the boredom you feel during the day can indeed make temptation stronger. An idle and unstructured day leaves the mind open to old patterns. Ask God to redeem this time. Seek Him first for work that fits your hands and abilities, and be diligent in looking, applying, learning skills, and serving where you can. In the meantime, give your days shape. Set a simple rhythm of prayer, Scripture, practical work around the home, helping others, exercise, and learning. Fellowship with other believers is vital. Do not walk alone. Share your struggle with a mature and trusted believer who can pray with you, encourage you, and hold you accountable.
You asked what it means to be filled with the Spirit when praying and whether praising God solves most problems. Scripture commands be filled with the Spirit, and the picture is of being controlled and empowered by the Spirit rather than by the flesh. It is not primarily a strange physical sensation or an emotional high, though emotions may be involved. The evidence of being filled is a life that is being led by the Spirit, marked by worship and thanksgiving, by submission to God, by understanding His will, and by power to walk in obedience. Praising God is powerful because it turns your heart from yourself and your problem to the greatness and mercy of God, and it aligns your spirit with His. But praise is not a technique to bypass repentance, obedience, and daily walking with Christ. We are filled as we surrender, confess sin, ask to be led, and yield to what the Spirit shows us in the Word.
God has not left you. If you turn to Him now with a sincere heart, He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse, and to give you strength to walk in a new way. Keep turning, keep confessing quickly when you stumble, keep feeding on His word, and keep asking to be filled and led by His Spirit day by day.
May the Lord hear this prayer for you. Father, we bring this dear one before You who longs to be free and to be Yours fully. Forgive every sin for the sake of Jesus Christ who shed His blood to cleanse from all sin. Wash and restore fellowship. Soften what has grown hard, grant true repentance that leads to a real change of direction, and break the power of habitual sin. Teach how to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. Restore hunger for Your word and freedom in prayer. Provide for daily needs and open a door for meaningful work, and give wisdom to use time well. Fill with Your Holy Spirit, that there may be a life of victory, worship, and obedience. Keep this heart close to You and make it steadfast in Christ. Amen.
What you describe is a struggle that many believers know. You try harder in your own strength to stop, and you fall again, and each time the sense of sorrow feels a little duller. Scripture is realistic about this. It tells us that if we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves, for the root of sin is still present in our fallen nature. Yet it also tells us that Jesus was manifested to take away our sin and that His blood cleanses from all sin. The purpose of that cleansing is not so we can keep living in sin, but so we can have victory over it. When John writes that whoever is born of God does not continue to practice sin, he is not saying a true believer never stumbles, but that sin will no longer be the settled pattern and practice of his life. A person who is truly born again may still sin, but he cannot sin comfortably or get away with it. The Holy Spirit brings conviction and will not let him rest in it.
That is why trying harder in the flesh alone never brings freedom. Paul describes this inward war so honestly when he says he delights in the law of God in his inner being, yet he sees another law at work in his body bringing him into captivity, and he cries out, who will deliver me. His answer is not a method but a person, Jesus Christ our Lord. Deliverance comes not by white knuckled resolve but by abiding in Christ and walking according to the Spirit. For those who are in Christ Jesus and walk not after the flesh but after the Spirit, there is no condemnation, even while the battle continues.
You mentioned feeling that your heart has become hardened because you do not feel the same regret as before. That fear should be taken seriously, and Scripture gives a solemn warning here. We read that Pharaoh hardened his own heart against the Lord again and again, ten times deliberately refusing. Only after that does it say the Lord made his heart firm or stiff, meaning God strengthened and confirmed Pharaoh in the position Pharaoh himself had chosen. God did not arbitrarily harden a soft heart and then punish him for it. Pharaoh chose hardness, and God confirmed him in that choice. The warning is that a person can harden his heart so repeatedly that repentance becomes very difficult, and God says His Spirit will not always strive with man. Yet the fact that you are troubled by your condition, that you want to repent and fear that you have drifted, is itself evidence that your heart is not beyond His reach. A heart that is completely hardened no longer desires God or mourns its sin. Your desire to return is God drawing you. Do not harden your heart further when you hear His voice, but respond now while He is speaking.
It helps to understand the difference between mere acknowledgment of sin and true repentance. Pharaoh once said I have sinned and even asked for prayer, but there was no change of heart or direction. True repentance means a change, a turning away from sin and turning to God. Godly sorrow leads to that change. It is not only feeling bad for a moment, but a settled decision to forsake what displeases God and to follow Christ, trusting His forgiveness and His power to make you clean.
You also said prayer has become difficult and Bible reading has grown less. That often happens when habitual sin is left unaddressed, because sin breaks fellowship and makes us want to hide. Do not wait until you feel like praying or reading to do so. Come honestly even with few words. God hears even groans that cannot be uttered, and He knows your weakness. Confess plainly what you have done, agree with God that it is sin, receive His promised forgiveness in 1 John 1:9, and ask Him to cleanse and empower you. Then open the Scriptures daily, even if only a short passage, not to earn favor but to let God speak, renew your mind, and show you what is right. His word reveals what sin is and also reveals His grace.
The long season without work and the boredom you feel during the day can indeed make temptation stronger. An idle and unstructured day leaves the mind open to old patterns. Ask God to redeem this time. Seek Him first for work that fits your hands and abilities, and be diligent in looking, applying, learning skills, and serving where you can. In the meantime, give your days shape. Set a simple rhythm of prayer, Scripture, practical work around the home, helping others, exercise, and learning. Fellowship with other believers is vital. Do not walk alone. Share your struggle with a mature and trusted believer who can pray with you, encourage you, and hold you accountable.
You asked what it means to be filled with the Spirit when praying and whether praising God solves most problems. Scripture commands be filled with the Spirit, and the picture is of being controlled and empowered by the Spirit rather than by the flesh. It is not primarily a strange physical sensation or an emotional high, though emotions may be involved. The evidence of being filled is a life that is being led by the Spirit, marked by worship and thanksgiving, by submission to God, by understanding His will, and by power to walk in obedience. Praising God is powerful because it turns your heart from yourself and your problem to the greatness and mercy of God, and it aligns your spirit with His. But praise is not a technique to bypass repentance, obedience, and daily walking with Christ. We are filled as we surrender, confess sin, ask to be led, and yield to what the Spirit shows us in the Word.
God has not left you. If you turn to Him now with a sincere heart, He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse, and to give you strength to walk in a new way. Keep turning, keep confessing quickly when you stumble, keep feeding on His word, and keep asking to be filled and led by His Spirit day by day.
May the Lord hear this prayer for you. Father, we bring this dear one before You who longs to be free and to be Yours fully. Forgive every sin for the sake of Jesus Christ who shed His blood to cleanse from all sin. Wash and restore fellowship. Soften what has grown hard, grant true repentance that leads to a real change of direction, and break the power of habitual sin. Teach how to walk after the Spirit and not after the flesh. Restore hunger for Your word and freedom in prayer. Provide for daily needs and open a door for meaningful work, and give wisdom to use time well. Fill with Your Holy Spirit, that there may be a life of victory, worship, and obedience. Keep this heart close to You and make it steadfast in Christ. Amen.
