Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your prayer shows honesty before God, and it is good that you have brought these conflicting desires into the light rather than hiding them. God hears the conscience that speaks truly, and He desires to lead you into what is holy and good for you.
There is much in your prayer that is right and worthy to be affirmed. Your desire to be with one man for the rest of your life, your unwillingness to be part of an affair, and your longing to put God first even in difficult and in joyful times are from God. Hold fast to those convictions. Marriage as God designed it is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and sexual union belongs only within that covenant. This is not only a rule, but a protection for your heart and for others.
That is why you must be very careful regarding this man who is separated but still married. In the eyes of God he is still bound to his wife. As Scripture teaches, whoever marries a divorced person commits adultery, and a married person who gives himself to another, even to someone who is free, also commits adultery, because he breaks his own vow. Your first instinct was right, to wish for reconciliation for the sake of his children and to not want to be part of an affair. If you cannot have him to yourself in a lawful marriage, it is right to not be with him at all. To pursue him now would be to enter into adultery, and God warns that He will judge such sin because He loves purity, which is called holiness. Do not let feeling or the sense that his character attracts you overrule what you know to be true about his pattern. You yourself have observed that he seems to move from one casual relationship to another as it benefits him and is convenient. That is not the character of a protector, guide, and faithful guardian. A man who will pursue another woman while still bound to his wife and children will not become faithful by your love alone. Love that is true seeks the good of the other, not its own advantage.
You asked for strength, courage, faith, wisdom and support, and God promises to give them. Scripture says no temptation has taken you except what is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Your way of escape here is to turn away, to set clear boundaries, to not be alone with him, to not entertain his pursuit, and to tell him plainly that you will not be in a relationship with a married man. To help tame strong desire, the fathers have taught simple helps, labor in useful work, reading of Scripture, prayer and watching, and fasting. These discipline the heart and keep it from being led by its passions. Remember that desire itself was planted in us for good, for the bearing of children within marriage, not for indulgence outside of it. Guard your eyes and your thoughts, for looking to lust has already taken the heart a step away from holiness.
You also prayed to marry this man and to win the lottery so you can have unlimited money and never work hard, and for a permanent high paying job with high status and freedom, and to lose weight and be prettier. It is right to ask God for daily provision, for meaningful work, for health, and for inner and outer beauty that comes from a pure heart, for blessed are the pure in heart. But the desire for unlimited money without labor and for status for the sake of freedom can become a trap. The disciples left gain to follow Christ, who Himself said the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head. God does not promise riches or ease, but He does promise to provide what you need and to give contentment when you seek first His kingdom. Instead of praying to win the lottery, pray to be content, diligent, and faithful in the work God gives you, and to use money wisely for good. Regarding your job, it is good to be thankful for your current arrangement and to desire stability. Continue to work faithfully, to be reliable and humble, and to trust God with the outcome when your contract ends. Changing jobs many times can weary the soul, ask God to help you grow in steadfastness where you are, while you also act responsibly to seek provision.
Your longing for a man who will protect, guide, lead, love and provide for you is understandable. First know that God Himself is your true guardian and provider, emotionally, physically and spiritually. No man can bear that weight perfectly. When you do seek marriage, look for a man who is free to marry, who shows faithfulness over time, who loves Christ above you, who keeps his vows, and who is known by a steady life, not by words alone. Do not settle for attention from many men who do not share your convictions. It is better to wait than to enter a bond that God calls unholy. Ask God to surround you with good, supportive people in the church who can give you counsel, keep you accountable, and protect you from harm.
Let me pray for you now in a way that honors God.
Father in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour who alone saves, I lift this daughter to You. Give her strength to resist what is not holy and courage to set boundaries and to walk away from a married man who pursues her. Grant her faith to trust that Your way is best, wisdom to see character clearly, and supportive friends to walk beside her. Purify her heart, make her holy in thought and deed, and help her to keep herself for the marriage You designed. Teach her contentment, deliver her from the love of money and ease, and provide for her daily needs. Help her to be faithful in her work, and give her peace about her contract and future employment according to Your will. Form in her true beauty, a pure heart that loves You first in hardship and in joy, and guard her from all evil. Lead her to a future that brings You glory, whether in singleness or in a godly marriage to a man who is free and faithful. Amen.
There is much in your prayer that is right and worthy to be affirmed. Your desire to be with one man for the rest of your life, your unwillingness to be part of an affair, and your longing to put God first even in difficult and in joyful times are from God. Hold fast to those convictions. Marriage as God designed it is a lifelong covenant of one man and one woman, and sexual union belongs only within that covenant. This is not only a rule, but a protection for your heart and for others.
That is why you must be very careful regarding this man who is separated but still married. In the eyes of God he is still bound to his wife. As Scripture teaches, whoever marries a divorced person commits adultery, and a married person who gives himself to another, even to someone who is free, also commits adultery, because he breaks his own vow. Your first instinct was right, to wish for reconciliation for the sake of his children and to not want to be part of an affair. If you cannot have him to yourself in a lawful marriage, it is right to not be with him at all. To pursue him now would be to enter into adultery, and God warns that He will judge such sin because He loves purity, which is called holiness. Do not let feeling or the sense that his character attracts you overrule what you know to be true about his pattern. You yourself have observed that he seems to move from one casual relationship to another as it benefits him and is convenient. That is not the character of a protector, guide, and faithful guardian. A man who will pursue another woman while still bound to his wife and children will not become faithful by your love alone. Love that is true seeks the good of the other, not its own advantage.
You asked for strength, courage, faith, wisdom and support, and God promises to give them. Scripture says no temptation has taken you except what is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Your way of escape here is to turn away, to set clear boundaries, to not be alone with him, to not entertain his pursuit, and to tell him plainly that you will not be in a relationship with a married man. To help tame strong desire, the fathers have taught simple helps, labor in useful work, reading of Scripture, prayer and watching, and fasting. These discipline the heart and keep it from being led by its passions. Remember that desire itself was planted in us for good, for the bearing of children within marriage, not for indulgence outside of it. Guard your eyes and your thoughts, for looking to lust has already taken the heart a step away from holiness.
You also prayed to marry this man and to win the lottery so you can have unlimited money and never work hard, and for a permanent high paying job with high status and freedom, and to lose weight and be prettier. It is right to ask God for daily provision, for meaningful work, for health, and for inner and outer beauty that comes from a pure heart, for blessed are the pure in heart. But the desire for unlimited money without labor and for status for the sake of freedom can become a trap. The disciples left gain to follow Christ, who Himself said the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head. God does not promise riches or ease, but He does promise to provide what you need and to give contentment when you seek first His kingdom. Instead of praying to win the lottery, pray to be content, diligent, and faithful in the work God gives you, and to use money wisely for good. Regarding your job, it is good to be thankful for your current arrangement and to desire stability. Continue to work faithfully, to be reliable and humble, and to trust God with the outcome when your contract ends. Changing jobs many times can weary the soul, ask God to help you grow in steadfastness where you are, while you also act responsibly to seek provision.
Your longing for a man who will protect, guide, lead, love and provide for you is understandable. First know that God Himself is your true guardian and provider, emotionally, physically and spiritually. No man can bear that weight perfectly. When you do seek marriage, look for a man who is free to marry, who shows faithfulness over time, who loves Christ above you, who keeps his vows, and who is known by a steady life, not by words alone. Do not settle for attention from many men who do not share your convictions. It is better to wait than to enter a bond that God calls unholy. Ask God to surround you with good, supportive people in the church who can give you counsel, keep you accountable, and protect you from harm.
Let me pray for you now in a way that honors God.
Father in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour who alone saves, I lift this daughter to You. Give her strength to resist what is not holy and courage to set boundaries and to walk away from a married man who pursues her. Grant her faith to trust that Your way is best, wisdom to see character clearly, and supportive friends to walk beside her. Purify her heart, make her holy in thought and deed, and help her to keep herself for the marriage You designed. Teach her contentment, deliver her from the love of money and ease, and provide for her daily needs. Help her to be faithful in her work, and give her peace about her contract and future employment according to Your will. Form in her true beauty, a pure heart that loves You first in hardship and in joy, and guard her from all evil. Lead her to a future that brings You glory, whether in singleness or in a godly marriage to a man who is free and faithful. Amen.
