T
teddybear
Guest
Please pray for a change within my heart and soul.
I know that I am a good, tender, loving person inside. But, I have become so angry and bitter and needy over the years. My husband says that I have never been a good person,
and it is funny, because I think that of him.
I can not soften his heart toward me, and for 25 years I have been praying for him to love me and for me to love him. But, something holds us back.
We married, I believe out of desperation and fear of being alone. But, I always had believed that God could give us a love for eachother. And, I still hope for that.
My mom would say; he is not beating you, or in the bar every night, or cheating on you, etc.... so you have no good reason to leave. But, I always yearned to feel loved.
Because I can't change him, and yes, I have tried that a numerous amount of ways, I know that I have to accept not being loved but at least being a good wife without it.
I am Leah, not Rachel. I have to accept that. So, I ask for a change within me. A major one. A Refiner's fire cleanseing of my mind, heart, and soul.
A surrender. I believe I have been wandering in the desert too long. And, that I need to just Know that God is God. AMEN.
I need to change my entire thoughts and motives. I need to let go of "me" and focus on God and what He would have me do.
I used to hold back angry words if I were hurt or felt I was being treated unfairly. Now I lash out at my husband. Every day I wake up with good intentions.
Every day we fight.
I admit we have always had a rocky marriage. He seems to want to control me and compete with me and hold me back from life.
All I wanted was a best friend and someone who thought I was precious (most of the time, ha ha)
And, someone to do fun things with also. But, shortly after we were married I realized that he would not make time for me or fun. Or take my feelings (right or wrong) into consideration.
The day after our wedding we went to his sisters house to spend time with his family and his cousin from another province. When I asked to be alone our first day together
(romantic fool that I am) He got mad and said I haven't seen Allan in years. I thought I should have came first the first day. While he saw me as selfish.
He certainly didn't see me as a friend or someone to treasure. I have always felt like the enemy, like I was a pain, not a joy.
But, now I have become a person I don't like either. I stay away from people because I don't want them to know how sad and unhappy I am.
I am recovering from a brain injury and I lose things and spend a lot of time looking for them. I am so far behind on everything but have very little energy to catch up.
I want to catch up but just can't seem to. When we fight I cry. When I cry I get even dumber and slower and it is a never ending circle.
I want to be that good wife. I want to appreciate what I do have and not yearn for more. I want to change my attitude towards him and all people.
I want to a giver of time and self and not be looking for a return.
I want to give up the fairytale image I had of marriage. And accept that housework, yardwork, cooking, and laundry is my lot and just do it.
I need to get this mess cleaned up and be a servant not a person who feels so bitter and angry.
I need forgiveness, and to forgive. And, I need a mind to remember how to do what I need to do and find things I need to find.
But, I need a mind that forgets past and lives now.
Thank you.
I pray these things in Jesus Holy and Precious name. AMEN.
I know that I am a good, tender, loving person inside. But, I have become so angry and bitter and needy over the years. My husband says that I have never been a good person,
and it is funny, because I think that of him.
I can not soften his heart toward me, and for 25 years I have been praying for him to love me and for me to love him. But, something holds us back.
We married, I believe out of desperation and fear of being alone. But, I always had believed that God could give us a love for eachother. And, I still hope for that.
My mom would say; he is not beating you, or in the bar every night, or cheating on you, etc.... so you have no good reason to leave. But, I always yearned to feel loved.
Because I can't change him, and yes, I have tried that a numerous amount of ways, I know that I have to accept not being loved but at least being a good wife without it.
I am Leah, not Rachel. I have to accept that. So, I ask for a change within me. A major one. A Refiner's fire cleanseing of my mind, heart, and soul.
A surrender. I believe I have been wandering in the desert too long. And, that I need to just Know that God is God. AMEN.
I need to change my entire thoughts and motives. I need to let go of "me" and focus on God and what He would have me do.
I used to hold back angry words if I were hurt or felt I was being treated unfairly. Now I lash out at my husband. Every day I wake up with good intentions.
Every day we fight.
I admit we have always had a rocky marriage. He seems to want to control me and compete with me and hold me back from life.
All I wanted was a best friend and someone who thought I was precious (most of the time, ha ha)
And, someone to do fun things with also. But, shortly after we were married I realized that he would not make time for me or fun. Or take my feelings (right or wrong) into consideration.
The day after our wedding we went to his sisters house to spend time with his family and his cousin from another province. When I asked to be alone our first day together
(romantic fool that I am) He got mad and said I haven't seen Allan in years. I thought I should have came first the first day. While he saw me as selfish.
He certainly didn't see me as a friend or someone to treasure. I have always felt like the enemy, like I was a pain, not a joy.
But, now I have become a person I don't like either. I stay away from people because I don't want them to know how sad and unhappy I am.
I am recovering from a brain injury and I lose things and spend a lot of time looking for them. I am so far behind on everything but have very little energy to catch up.
I want to catch up but just can't seem to. When we fight I cry. When I cry I get even dumber and slower and it is a never ending circle.
I want to be that good wife. I want to appreciate what I do have and not yearn for more. I want to change my attitude towards him and all people.
I want to a giver of time and self and not be looking for a return.
I want to give up the fairytale image I had of marriage. And accept that housework, yardwork, cooking, and laundry is my lot and just do it.
I need to get this mess cleaned up and be a servant not a person who feels so bitter and angry.
I need forgiveness, and to forgive. And, I need a mind to remember how to do what I need to do and find things I need to find.
But, I need a mind that forgets past and lives now.
Thank you.
I pray these things in Jesus Holy and Precious name. AMEN.
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