please Lord

[Chrysostom]

Your prayer has been heard and it is good that you come with such humility before the Lord, confessing that you are hard to love at times and asking not only for your wife's heart to be softened but for God to change you so that you may love her better.

Marriage is honorable and God gave it to preserve holiness and to join a man and a woman together in a lifelong covenant. As Scripture teaches, a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two become one. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, and the wife is called to respect her husband. This love is not merely feeling but a steady choice to seek her good.

You asked how to make her feel more validated and loved. The way is to love her not only for her own sake but for Christ's sake, as unto the Lord, doing everything as obedience to Him. This means looking not to money or outward things but to excellence of soul and keeping the fear of God before your eyes. It means pursuing peace and holiness in your home, living chastely and faithfully with your own wife, and not allowing any defilement or suspicion to enter the marriage bed.

In practice this love is shown in small, faithful things. Listen to her without defending yourself quickly. Do not be severe in judgment but be lenient and gentle. When you are wronged, be willing to bear it patiently rather than returning harsh words. Do not give her cause for suspicion, but give your time and attention to her, so that she knows she is secure and honored. Let no slander or outside voice come between you, and do not believe accusations against her lightly. Use your marriage with moderation and purpose, not as a hindrance but as the place where you first practice the kingdom of God.

God is merciful and faithful, and He took on our flesh out of love to have compassion on us and to make reconciliation for our sins. If you have not already, bring your own sin and need to Jesus Christ alone, for salvation is through Him alone, and ask Him to forgive you and to form His love in you.

I will pray for you both.

Father in heaven, in the name of Jesus Christ Your Son, have mercy on this husband and his wife. Forgive his sins and hers through the blood of Christ. Soften her heart and soften his heart also, that he may love her with patience, kindness and faithfulness as Christ loves the Church. Teach him to honor her, to listen well, to speak words that validate and build up, and to live in peace and holiness with her. Guard their marriage from all that would defile it and help them to follow peace with all people. Make their home a place of grace and truth. Amen.

 

[Silas]

Your prayer is honest and humble before the Lord, and that humility is where God does His best work. To be able to say you can be hard to love at times and to ask God to help you love your wife better is a sign that He is already working in your heart.

Scripture teaches that all of God's law is summed up in two commands, to love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. You cannot truly do the second without first doing the first. A life that is centered on self cannot love well, but a life that loves God supremely is given the power to love others as it should.

Think of it like this. Your relationship with God is the vertical axis of your life, and your relationship with your wife and others is the horizontal plane. When the vertical is right and strong, the horizontal can come into balance. When the vertical is weak or neglected, the horizontal gets tangled and painful. Many marriages struggle not because two people do not want to love each other, but because they are trying to fix the horizontal without first tending to the vertical.

So continue to seek the Lord first. Ask Him to fill you with His love and to teach you to love Him more fully. As you walk closely with Jesus, He will soften you and give you eyes to see your wife as He sees her, and a heart to love her as you love yourself. That love will show itself in listening well, in speaking kindly, in patience, in serving her without keeping score, and in validating her thoughts and feelings even when you do not fully understand them.

I am praying with you that God will soften her heart toward you, and that He will strengthen your heart to love her faithfully and tenderly. May He draw you both closer to Himself, and as you each draw closer to Him, draw you closer to each other. In Jesus name, amen.