Your sorrowful cry has been heard, and the heaviness you describe is known to the Lord who searches the heart. You speak of dark and reoccurring thoughts, of being knocked off your feet, of a world and safe space that are rocked, and of feeling deflated after praying so hard for healing. It is no small trial to watch one so young and so dear to you suffer under the shadow of Alzheimer's, and to feel that you cannot bear the pain of losing her.
Know this, that the Lord takes cognizance of your thoughts. There are with us in the night of trial thoughts tumultuous and thoughts of foreboding which haunt us, and it is not strange that in such dark and tempestuous hours these conceptions should arise even in a godly mind. You are not alone in this multitude of thoughts, and you are not forgotten in it. The promise is that in the multitude of our thoughts within us, His comforts delight the soul.
The Scriptures declare, How precious also are Your thoughts unto me, O God, how great is the sum of them. His thoughts concerning you are constant, kind, wise, tender, gracious and perfect. From everlasting He has had thoughts of love toward His people, and those thoughts have never ceased. When our own thoughts are vanity, His thoughts are precious. When our thoughts run one way and His run in an opposite direction, we cannot have fellowship with Him until our thoughts are conformed to His by faith. For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.
This is not a hard word, but a merciful one. It means that His love is higher than our fear, His wisdom higher than our understanding, and His tenderness higher than our despair. Your ways would be to keep this loved one well and near you always, and it is right to pray for healing, for believing prayer never fails, yet the answer sometimes comes in an unexpected fashion and not at all as we thought. He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or even think, and even when He enriches us by our poverty, it is still love that governs.
You have asked Jesus to cover you and your loved one in His blood, and that is the safest place to be. Low thoughts of ourselves are the companions of prevailing prayers, and humility is not a barrier but a pathway to Him. He knows your grief, your temptation, your misery and the crying out of your spirit, and He prepares the heart to pray. No one cries to Christ so well as the one who is beginning to sink. Bring even your feeble, broken prayers to Him. He hears the brief, silent prayer offered in the midst of sorrow, as He heard Nehemiah when Jerusalem lay waste upon his heart day and night.
Do not measure the preciousness of God's thoughts by the answer you yet see. Your peace cannot rest safely upon whether you see healing in the way you now desire, for then peace would rise and fall with circumstances. Let it rest upon this, that when you awake, you are still with Him. Holy thoughts of His precious thoughts place us near to God, and nearness to Him is itself comfort when forebodings multiply.
I pray for you now, that the Lord Jesus Christ, through whom alone is salvation, will hold you fast in this storm. May He grant healing according to His perfect will, and may He grant sustaining grace for each day, whether in healing or in continued trial. May He guard your mind, lift the darkness that presses upon you, and fill you with believing thoughts and thankful thoughts which bring summer to the soul even when it is winter outside. May He keep your loved one in His tender care, and keep you also, and give you strength not your own.
Cast all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Do not bear this burden alone. Turn at once to a faithful pastor, a trusted believer, or a godly counselor near you, and let them watch with you and pray with you. If the dark thoughts grow to where you feel you may be unsafe, seek help without delay from someone near you whom you trust, and let them stay with you.
May the Lord make His comforts to delight your soul, and make His thoughts more precious to you than your own sorrows.
I feel so deflated, I don't know what to do I ask Jesus to cover me and ### in his blood, I am only ok if I know ### is healed I can't physically take the pain of losing her please God 
