I understand and can relate to how you are feeling. My life sounds much like yours. I've posted my testimony once, but I will do it again in hope that you will realize that you're not alone. I’ve never truly been happy. I’m in my 40s and never been married nor had any children. I’ve never been financially successful. I’ve struggled emotionally, physically, and financially my whole life. (I have cerebral palsy.) I believe it all started with my father who never wanted another child, me. Therefore, I was never accepted by my father. I could never measure up to please him. Hence, I’ve never felt loved by my father or any other man. This has affected other areas of my life due to what I believe is a lack of confidence and self-worth. Financially, I could never make enough money to support myself. I went to college thinking I could better market myself, but things didn’t turn out the way I planned. I can’t find a job within my college degree. I graduated in 2006. With my age and the many years since my graduation, I don’t think I will ever use my degree. I’m only making $10 an hour, in debt over my head, and still can’t support myself, and I’ve also been homeless. I think between getting a college education and having such high hopes, which didn’t pan out, and being homeless, my confidence is shattered. Also, while I was homeless, I lost every one of my friends. They just stopped talking to me. Anyway, every small accomplishment is literally taken away by Satan. One negative comment will put me into a depression for days or weeks. As a matter of fact, I haven’t been to work in the past two weeks because of my depression. I’ve reached the point where I hate myself and can’t even make myself go to work because I’m so unhappy. I know what the problem is, but I’m not able to break the bondage. I pray and love God, but my prayers always go unanswered. This has been ongoing for over 40 years. It’s to the point where I can’t pray about it anymore because God knows I’m suffering, but isn’t doing anything about it. My depression has been getting worse over the past 40+ years. As it gets worse, my confidence disappears. I just want to be loved and happy. (Everyone should at least feel loved.) I want to have confidence and achieve but no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. It’s to the point where I’ve given up. I won’t even try. What’s the use? It’s always taken away, or I can never measure up and achieve. For example, my work supervisor was willing to mentor me and try to help me get some type of promotion in hopes that this will give me some confidence and improve my finances, which in turn, hopefully, help me overcome my depression. Well, he has only trained me one day in two weeks. I’ve gone to him every day asking him if we are going to train today, and he says yes, but it never happens. Well, I recently found out that I was switched to a different supervisor at work. This upset me very much. It upsets me because my former supervisor I had was supposed to help me get a better position, and now, it won’t happen. I should have known better than to have any hope or to put any trust in anyone. My previous supervisor could have stopped it if he really wanted to, so all the talk about mentoring and training was all just a lot of crap. I had hopes to make a little more money, just to make my life a little more bearable. Anyway, I asked my previous supervisor if I could call him later that night on his private cell phone. There’s no privacy at work, and I wanted to talk to him about being switched to another supervisor and the training issue. He said I could call him and gave me a time to call. Well, I called and nobody answered so I left a message and my number so he could call me back. He never called, and the next day he didn’t say anything to me, and it’s already been weeks since this incident, and he still hasn’t said anything. So, judging by his actions, and the fact that he only trained me one day in two weeks, he never meant to help me. I’m truly hurt by his deceptive intentions, and to top it all, he considers himself a Christian, which truly disappoints me even more. I truly believe my life is cursed, and I’m tired of the fight. I can’t do it anymore. I literally hate myself. I can’t stop the depression and fear I may lose my job if it doesn’t stop. The truth is I don’t even want to work anymore. I don’t have the energy or confidence. I’ve lost all hope for life in general. So, this is my story. Now, let me tell you that I do feel better since I’ve found this website. I believe it’s the power of prayer. So, I’m going to pray for you in hopes that you will feel better and stronger and God will provide and heal you and everything in your life. Please hang in there, God bless…
