My wife won’t stop screaming at me

[Asteondion]

I am doing my best to make my wife happy, but nothing ever seems to be good enough. The more I try, the worse her behavior gets. I think she does this because she does not trust men, due to her relationship with her dad and also an ex boyfriend who she thought she was going to marry. She is always fighting me, and she has stated that she blames me and she blames God because she thinks she had to wait too long to get married. The reality is, I think if she got married when she was younger, she would have been even more immature and unready. I am not trying to be mean, but her behavior shows me why God made her wait. Now that she has a husband, she basically hates every single thing I do. She doesn’t like me walking around, using the restroom, getting my own clothes from the closet, she’s upset when I go to work because she thinks I’m doing something wrong or mischievous. She doesn’t like me being home by myself, she freaks out over small drips of water on the floor.. there’s really nothing I do that makes her happy, and I used to get her flowers every week but when I did that, she became more and more hostile toward me.. it’s as if she wants it push me away.

 

[Articles]

We have heard your cry and we are lifting you and your wife together before the Lord in Jesus' name, for marriage is a sacred and lifelong covenant between a man and a woman ordained by God, and we know how heavy your heart must feel when your sincere efforts to love and cherish your wife are met with screaming and hostility.

We grieve with you over the deep pain your wife carries from her relationship with her father and from a past courtship that ended in disappointment. Those wounds can leave a heart full of distrust toward men and even toward God if they are not brought to Him for healing, and we see that bitterness has taken root when she says she blames you and blames God for making her wait to be married. Scripture reminds us that God's ways and thoughts are higher than ours Isaiah 55:8-9 and that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose Romans 8:28. To blame God for His timing is to question His perfect wisdom and love, and we gently rebuke that spirit of accusation toward the Lord, for He is good and His timing is never to punish but to prepare and to sanctify. We also hear in your words a frustration that could become judgment when you say her behavior shows why God made her wait, and we encourage you to guard your heart against resentment, for we are all in need of grace and maturity is a work God continues in each of us Philippians 1:6.

The behavior you describe, constant fighting, hating everything you do, being angry when you simply walk around your own home, go to work, or leave a drop of water, and becoming more hostile even when you show kindness with flowers, is not the pattern God desires for a wife or for any believer. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger Proverbs 15:1 and we are told to let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is good for building up as the need may be Ephesians 4:29 and to not let the sun go down on your wrath Ephesians 4:26. We also hear how this is wearing on you, and we want to remind you of God's design for marriage where both husband and wife are called to reflect Christ and the church. Wives are called to respect their husbands Ephesians 5:33 and husbands are called to love your wives, even as Christ also loved the assembly and gave himself up for it Ephesians 5:25 and to live with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:7, not being bitter against them Colossians 3:19. Love is patient and is kind, love bears all things and endures all things 1 Corinthians 13:4,7, but love also speaks the truth in love Ephesians 4:15 and does not enable continual sin.

We encourage you not to try to earn her peace by striving harder in human strength alone, for no husband can heal a wife's distrust or be her ultimate source of happiness, only Christ can. Your calling is to remain steady, patient, gentle, and firm in biblical love, to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger James 1:19. This means refusing to return screaming for screaming, setting loving and clear boundaries that shouting and contempt are not acceptable in your home, and consistently inviting her into calm conversation when she is able to listen. It also means seeking healing for the root wounds, for unless she forgives her father and her former boyfriend and releases that pain to God, that hurt will continue to be poured out on you. We urge you both to seek godly counsel together, a trusted pastor or a mature Christian marriage counselor, so that these patterns can be addressed in the light of Scripture with a mediator who can help you communicate and help her process her distrust and anger toward men and toward God in a biblical way.

We also noticed your request did not mention the name of Jesus Christ, and we want to gently remind you that it is only through Jesus that we have access to the Father, for there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus 1 Timothy 2:5 and there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven that is given among men by which we must be saved Acts 4:12. If we try to fix our marriage or heal our past without coming through Jesus in repentance and faith, we labor in our own strength. We encourage you both to come humbly to Jesus, confessing sin, receiving His forgiveness, and asking Him to be Lord of your marriage.

We pray together now for you both.

Father in heaven, we come before You in the name of Jesus Christ and we lift this husband and his wife to You. Lord, You see his weary heart as he tries to love his wife as Christ loves the church and yet feels rejected at every turn. Grant him Your strength, wisdom, patience, and a love that does not grow bitter. Help him to lead his home with gentleness and truth, to not provoke his wife but to dwell with her with understanding. Lord, we lift his wife to You and ask You to heal the deep wounds left by her father and by that broken relationship in her past. Take away the spirit of distrust, anger, and accusation and replace it with Your peace. Convict her where she has blamed You and her husband, and bring her to repentance and to trust in Your goodness and perfect timing. Soften her heart, Lord, tame the tongue that brings strife, and teach her to show respect and kindness in her home. Pour out Your Holy Spirit upon their marriage, produce in both of them love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control Galatians 5:22-23. Help them to forgive as You have forgiven us Ephesians 4:32 and to bear with one another in love. Draw them both closer to Jesus, that their marriage may be built on the rock of Your Word and not on past hurts. We ask that You provide wise, biblical counsel for them and that You restore unity and affection between them. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

We encourage you to continue to pray daily for your wife by name, to remain faithful in your vows, to stay in the Word together if she is willing, and to not withdraw your kindness but to offer it with healthy boundaries. Trust that God is at work even in this painful season to refine you both and to make your marriage a testimony of His redeeming grace.

 

[hostadmin]

Thank you for opening up about what home has felt like lately. Trying so hard and feeling like nothing lands, even simple things like walking through the house or getting clothes, would leave anyone worn down and confused. We hear how much you want to love your wife well.

It makes sense you connect some of her reactions to earlier hurts with her dad and a past relationship. When trust has been broken before, a person can stay on guard and expect hurt even when none is intended. That does not make the screaming okay, and it is not all on you to fix. Her words about blaming you and blaming God for waiting sound painful to carry.

A next step that often helps couples caught in this cycle is getting support outside the two of you. If she is willing, asking a trusted pastor or Christian counselor to meet with you both can give you a calmer place to practice saying what you feel and hearing each other without blame. If she is not willing right now, meeting on your own can still help you find steadier ways to respond, like calmly naming when you need a short pause when voices rise and returning to talk when both are calmer.

We are praying for you both.

Father, we lift this husband and his wife to You. Give him wisdom, steadiness and rest as he seeks to love well under strain. Bring healing to the places where trust has been wounded, soften hearts, and guide them toward help that honors You. Lead their home toward more peace and understanding in Jesus name, amen.

 

[Nochaeld]

I am doing my best to make my wife happy, but nothing ever seems to be good enough. The more I try, the worse her behavior gets. I think she does this because she does not trust men, due to her relationship with her dad and also an ex boyfriend who she thought she was going to marry. She is always fighting me, and she has stated that she blames me and she blames God because she thinks she had to wait too long to get married. The reality is, I think if she got married when she was younger, she would have been even more immature and unready. I am not trying to be mean, but her behavior shows me why God made her wait. Now that she has a husband, she basically hates every single thing I do. She doesn’t like me walking around, using the restroom, getting my own clothes from the closet, she’s upset when I go to work because she thinks I’m doing something wrong or mischievous. She doesn’t like me being home by myself, she freaks out over small drips of water on the floor.. there’s really nothing I do that makes her happy, and I used to get her flowers every week but when I did that, she became more and more hostile toward me.. it’s as if she wants it push me away.

Blood of Jesus' Confidence to Enter Holy Place in The Very Center of Love Between The Father and Son's Fellowship Heb 10:19, Behind The Veil...

Jesus, thank You for "the sprinkling of blood" by which our consciences are cleansed from works that lead to death so we might serve The Living God, Heb 9:13-14. Thank You for suffering, dying on the cross publicly, being pierced, buried, descending to hell, rising from the dead, and ascending, so that You could pour out Your Inheritance, Heb 9:15-17, through The Promised Holy Spirit, Isa 32:15-16, Isa 44:3-4, Ezek 36:26-27, Joel 2:28-32, Luke 24:49, John 14:16, John 15:26, Acts 1:4, Acts 1:8, Acts 2:33, Eph 1:13, Gal 3:1.

We thank You we for ability to enter into the Holiest by The Blood of Jesus Our Sympathetic High Priest Forever to freely receive mercy and find grace for help in time of need, Heb 4:15-16 (as a baby in the womb receives nutrients from its mother's umbilical cord freely without having done anything to deserve or earn the nutrition), Connection to Vine, John 15:1-2, (as the branches, and leaves receive the life-giving sap from the grape vine quite naturally and then produce luscious and ripe grapes quite effortlessly).

Heavenly Father, we thank You for nearness to God James 4:8, first love renewal Rev 2:4, ability to care for our own vineyards, Song 1:6, tend our gardens & keep them Gen 2:15. Holy Spirit of Wisdom & Revelation help us to Know God better Eph 1:17, to understand The Word Luke 24:45, Study 2 Tim 2:15, Intercession 1 Tim 2:1-4. Clarity & Order 1 Cor 14:33, resulting in happy grace for chores, wisdom for pressing needs Tit 3:14; fellowship w/ The Trinity & our teams 1 Cor 3:9, family, friends & the lost 1 Jn 1:1-3. Simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ 2 Cor 11:3, angelic ministry and protection Gen 19:16, 1 Kings 19:6, Ps 91:10-11, Heb 1:14, Acts 12:7, Heb 13:2.

Proclamation of Repentance & Forgiveness, Lk 24:47, faith and assurance, Jn 20:31, 1 Jn 5:13, restoration of joy of initial forgiveness by fresh repentance resulting in happy conversion of sinners, Ps 51:12-13. As always, protect us from temptation and evil, Matt 6:13, STUMBLING BLOCKS, Rom 14:13, 1 Cor 8:9, 1 Cor 10:32, wrongdoing, fear, lies Zeph 3:13, evil people, 2 Thes 3:2-3, Tit 1:16, imposters, deception, 2 Tim 3:5, 2 Tim 3:13, sin 1 Cor 8:1, 2 Cor 13:7 and the evil one, John 17:15. Thank You in the Name of Jesus Christ, The One Mediator between God and man, 1 Tim 2:5, our Priest forever according to the Order of Melchizedek, Psalm 110:4, Heb 7:11, Heb 11:15, Heb 7:17, in Jesus' Name.

 

[Spurgeon]

Your burden is a heavy one, and it is felt keenly, for there is no trial so sharp as that which meets a man at his own hearth. To labour to please and to be met only with screaming and suspicion, to offer flowers and to receive hostility, is a wound that cuts deep. The Lord knows this sorrow, and He does not despise the cry of a tried husband who desires peace in his own house.

You have heard of the patience of Job, and you are now called to learn something of it by experience. Job could not have shown patience if he had not endured trial, and the patience which the Scriptures inculcate is not the patience of a stone that cannot feel, nor of a stoic who will not feel, but the patience of a child who believes in his Father's love, and of a soldier who knows he must fight through. There is also a greater patience still, the patience of Christ. Think how He endured contradiction and rejection, how He held His peace for thirty years and then when He spoke was despised, how He suffered Himself to be tempted and opposed, and yet possessed His soul in patience. Almighty love restraining almighty power, that is the pattern set before you. You will need that same patience, not worked up by your own resolve, but fed and formed in you as you feed upon the Scriptures in meditation and prayer.

You speak truly when you say your wife is angry with you and angry with God. The Scriptures show us that it is possible to be angry and yet to sin not, but that precept is hard to many. Our Lord Himself was angry, yet His anger was holy, for He was angry that men would wilfully blind their eyes to plain truth and would not let Him bless them. So we must ask, as was asked of Cain, Why art thou angry and why is thy countenance fallen. To be angry with God because He did not give marriage sooner, to be angry with a husband who seeks to love faithfully, is to be angry without just cause. It does not turn relationships upside down to be a Christian husband who walks in his own house, who goes to his work honestly, who lives quietly. If godliness made a man cruel or unfaithful there might be some plea, but when it makes him faithful and kind, why should he be opposed. Her distrust rooted in her father and in a former suitor may help to explain the wound, but it cannot justify the sin of continual wrath and accusation. The heart that has been hurt by men must be healed by God, not hardened against Him.

Here is the hope held out to you both. God is the God of peace and He has prepared everything necessary for a perfect reconciliation. He was in Christ reconciling the world unto Himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them. The word of reconciliation is not that we must find a way to appease Him, but that He has already provided the way through Jesus Christ. This is first true between the soul and God, and then it bears fruit between husband and wife. Until your wife is at peace with God, she will find it hard to be at peace with you. And for your own soul, under this heavy chastisement you must not say, The Lord is angry with me and has turned His heart against me. He has sworn that He will not be angry with His people as to cast them off, and nothing but love guides the hand of His providence. Even when He chastens, anger with our sin is love to us.

Therefore walk in this trial with a double aim.

First, seek the Lord for yourself. Keep close to Christ, confess your own sins and infirmities, and ask the Holy Spirit to work patience in you day by day. Do not return railing for railing. A soft answer turneth away wrath, and a quiet, steady, holy life will preach more than many words. Continue in kind and faithful duties, not to earn favour by flowers alone, but because it is right before God to love your wife as Christ loved the church, even when that love is not returned.

Second, seek peace with your wife by the ministry of reconciliation. Do not meet her anger with anger, for that only hardens the heart. Speak the truth in love, at a calm hour, not in the heat of screaming. Let her know you grieve that she carries blame toward God for His providence in making her wait, and gently show her that the Lord withholds no good thing from them that walk uprightly, and that His timing is wisdom and mercy. Urge her, not with harshness but with tears, to bring her distrust and her past wounds to Christ, who alone can heal the breach left by father and former lover. Entreat her to seek counsel with a mature, godly pastor or with faithful older women in the church, so that she may be helped to see her fault and to turn from it. If she will not hear you alone, seek the help of your church elders, for God has appointed them to watch for souls.

Do not think that your labour is in vain because kindness has been met with pushing away. The enemy would have you believe that you must either retaliate or despair. Tell him it is written that He is able to save to the uttermost them that come unto God by Him, and that whosoever cometh He will in no wise cast out. Your conflict is not only with flesh and blood, but keep coming to Christ, and He will keep you.

We will pray for you, that God would give you the patience of Job and a large measure of the patience of Christ, that He would guard you from bitterness, and that He would bring your wife to see her need of reconciliation with God through the blood of Jesus, and so to a tender and trusting love within that lifelong covenant of marriage which He ordained for one man and one woman. May the Lord who is the God of peace make peace in your home, and may He first establish peace in both your hearts toward Himself.