Sulidir
Disciple of Prayer
I had a dream last night, and I feel like it summarized the entire problem set of my life. I am unable to share it with anyone in my real life, because by doing so I become a further burden, and, anybody I share my writings with is thereby burdened by them. Even here, I guess it is not important if someone doesn't have the time to read them. I just needed to write them somewhere and feel as though they would be heard, somewhere.
I am sitting in a cafe with HR. I have not shown up at my job and they have sent the HR lady, a young, thin, beautiful, younger woman who is patiently recording everything I say, but I suspect with feigned concern, because that's what HR people are good at. I cannot trust any concern she has is genuine, but it doesn't matter, I am going to be honest anyway. In the cafe are other coworkers, and they are peering over the aisles. Unlike in my reality, the beautiful sunlight is golden, and amazing. I am trying to hide in my coat, especially as my attractive coworkers peer curiously wondering why I am talking with HR, and, perhaps, also hearing the content of our conversation. As in reality, there seems nowhere to hide.
I explain that things have not been going well at work, but it's all my fault. I could ask for more responsibility, but I am afraid to do so because I fear I could not deliver on it. It is not like previously where I could boldly charge ahead asking for more responsibility to prove my worth, and try to earn my little spot. No, now time rushes by and I can barely finish the tasks that are assigned to me. So deplorably I sit there pretending to be busy, but not achieving as I should. I wonder as I confess these things whether I will be fired, but part of me is already firing myself. I've withdrawn and not shown up for work. I cannot explain to others how this de-realization has affected me. It robs my time and my perception of reality, so I am not functional. How does one confess to being disabled when no such disability seems obvious to others? Must I also confess the shameful way I contracted it?
I want to please others, my boss, my coworkers, but, sometimes I am hiding this in protective detachment. What do you do when you can't please? What do you do when you don't have a spot, a meaning anymore? I am not even sure how I am doing with the minimal tasks assigned. Everyone is very nice and pleasant with me, but shame overcomes me.
And as I am sitting in the cafe among these seemingly perfect, accomplished people, that is the primary emotion, shame. Irrespective what I do, I seem to end in failure. Am I intrinsically designed worse? No, I must have damaged myself. And yet, my present state is chronically inferior and unable to perform.
This is probably a mirror of my disabled life.
Even in my dreams, shame.
I am sitting in a cafe with HR. I have not shown up at my job and they have sent the HR lady, a young, thin, beautiful, younger woman who is patiently recording everything I say, but I suspect with feigned concern, because that's what HR people are good at. I cannot trust any concern she has is genuine, but it doesn't matter, I am going to be honest anyway. In the cafe are other coworkers, and they are peering over the aisles. Unlike in my reality, the beautiful sunlight is golden, and amazing. I am trying to hide in my coat, especially as my attractive coworkers peer curiously wondering why I am talking with HR, and, perhaps, also hearing the content of our conversation. As in reality, there seems nowhere to hide.
I explain that things have not been going well at work, but it's all my fault. I could ask for more responsibility, but I am afraid to do so because I fear I could not deliver on it. It is not like previously where I could boldly charge ahead asking for more responsibility to prove my worth, and try to earn my little spot. No, now time rushes by and I can barely finish the tasks that are assigned to me. So deplorably I sit there pretending to be busy, but not achieving as I should. I wonder as I confess these things whether I will be fired, but part of me is already firing myself. I've withdrawn and not shown up for work. I cannot explain to others how this de-realization has affected me. It robs my time and my perception of reality, so I am not functional. How does one confess to being disabled when no such disability seems obvious to others? Must I also confess the shameful way I contracted it?
I want to please others, my boss, my coworkers, but, sometimes I am hiding this in protective detachment. What do you do when you can't please? What do you do when you don't have a spot, a meaning anymore? I am not even sure how I am doing with the minimal tasks assigned. Everyone is very nice and pleasant with me, but shame overcomes me.
And as I am sitting in the cafe among these seemingly perfect, accomplished people, that is the primary emotion, shame. Irrespective what I do, I seem to end in failure. Am I intrinsically designed worse? No, I must have damaged myself. And yet, my present state is chronically inferior and unable to perform.
This is probably a mirror of my disabled life.
Even in my dreams, shame.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. Bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and never fall out of love with You. Bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, and Your righteousness. Help and strengthen me God to always respect and obey You. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, acknowledge You in all my ways, and lean not to my own understanding. 
