Ricky1953
Disciple of Prayer
My prayer:
Our Father in Heaven,
I have come to you privately many times in the past, and now I come to you publicly in the fellowship of others who believe that all things are possible if we are humble enough to admit that we have sinned and are powerless to change without Your love and guidance. You have been there for me many times in my life, Lord, even when I did not realize or acknowledge it, and now I need your help more than ever. I cannot handle it alone. I place all my problems in your hands, Father, like a troubled child who finally admits he or she needs help.
Lord, I am deeply sorry and ashamed for what I have done to my wife and my loved ones. I am weak and I am broken, and I seek Your love and guidance to help me become the man and the husband that I know I can be. I ask Your forgiveness for the pain and anguish I have caused to those around me, and pray that they can likewise forgive me in their own time. I know that I have never been an evil or uncaring man, but I allowed those personal demons who had been lying dormant deep inside for so long to reemerge, and it has cost me everything. Father, I need your help in defeating those demons, and I recognize that, no matter how hard I may try, I cannot do it alone.
I also pray for my wife, Lord. Help her through the struggles and hardships she is facing, and may she find peace and happiness in her life. Touch her heart and let her know that I am truly sorry, truly repentant, and that my love for her is genuine and eternal. I alone have brought this about, Oh, Lord, and I have no ill feelings towards her. I feel nothing for her but love.
I humbly present myself to You, Almighty Father, and ask that you guide me down this next road.
In the name of the Father and the Son,
Amen
My story:
I have betrayed my wife of 18 years, not physically, but with just as much emotional hurt and damage as if there had been an actual extramarital affair. Although our marriage started out with the white-hot intensity of many first loves, I allowed complacency and my own insecurities over my sexuality to creep into an otherwise blissful, beautiful, loving relationship, and not only did I drift away physically, but I allowed myself to be tempted back into a world of fantasy and pornography that I thought I had left when I met her. Everything went great for the first six years, and then I began experiencing a few minor “performance problems” that just seemed to exacerbate the insecurities I have always had. Rather than confide in her or address the problem, I allowed myself to believe that maybe if I just dipped into the world of pornography that I could actually recharge my sexual energy and confidence. It did not, and it became a cycle where one weakness fed off the other, and soon I began emerging myself in a fantasy world that, unfortunately, included friends and family members. And it wasn’t enough just to look at porn, I had to download it, organize it, alter it, and incorporate it into my fantasy world. What should have a warning sign was the fact that this did not bring me pleasure, and it caused me to feel even less secure and physically withdrawn from the one person who meant, and still means, everything in my world, my wife. To me, it was a “harmless diversion” to take me away from my very real problems. I was able to delude myself that no one would ever get hurt, and even came to the brink of trashing everything I had downloaded and wiping the slate clean. Alas, I did not. I kept this up to varying degrees for years, seemingly keeping my fantasy world separated from my “real” world, but these two worlds collided with devastating results.
All of this came crashing down on October 23, when she sent me an e-mail at my office telling me that she had found my thumb drive some time ago, and that she had been struggling to hold it together, but had come to the point where she did not trust me and could not live with me anymore. She is now on the verge of moving into her own apartment in a nearby location, and now I am the one struggling to hold it together. Remarkably, we have remained friends through most of this, and have been able to conduct a more-or-less daily routine amicably, but our relationship is more like two housemates than a husband and wife. We both agree that our personal history is important, and she has been my best friend for the past 18 years and says we will continue that friendship, but after approximately 6,500 days of being around her constantly (except for work), the amount of my loss is becoming overwhelming. I still want her to be my friend, but more importantly, I still want her to be my wife.
I have not gone near pornography since October 23rd, and I flushed the offending and damning thumb drive into the septic the next day. In fact now, in the face of all I have lost and am going to lose, the very thought of going back to that world makes me nauseous. I have sought and received professional and medical help and am enrolling into a therapy program for people with sexual behavioral problems. My wife has done her own research and told me that she found that the recovery rate for porn addicts is very small, but that does not deter me. The emotional pain I have caused her and the loss of her trust and love, coupled with the loss of her family, our church, and now the loss of her companionship, is enough to remind me of what this “harmless diversion” has cost me. She said she can never forget what I did, nor do I want her to. I will not forget it, either, and I will keep it before me as a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost.
I am losing more than just a spouse. In my 62 years on this earth, I have known many women and have been married before, but I have never loved another person as much as I love her. My life changed the day I met her. She made me better than I was, and I cannot—no, I WILL not revert back to that person I used to be. She became my reason for everything I did and ever wanted to do, and I would give everything I have to simply hold her in my arms as a wife again. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity years ago when I drifted away physically, not taking her needs into consideration as I should have and letting my own demons control me. Now I just pray that, because of my actions, she is not seeking comfort in the arms of another.
I live my days now by the Addict’s Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have prayed for forgiveness and the strength to continue my struggle because, as our formerly-mutual minister once proclaimed, I am broken. Unfortunately, I broke her, too.
I will appreciate your prayers and support in this my spiritual and emotional journey to forgiveness and redemption, and pray for my wife, too. No matter what happens, she will always be my wife.
In the name of the Father and the Son,
Peace be with you all
Our Father in Heaven,
I have come to you privately many times in the past, and now I come to you publicly in the fellowship of others who believe that all things are possible if we are humble enough to admit that we have sinned and are powerless to change without Your love and guidance. You have been there for me many times in my life, Lord, even when I did not realize or acknowledge it, and now I need your help more than ever. I cannot handle it alone. I place all my problems in your hands, Father, like a troubled child who finally admits he or she needs help.
Lord, I am deeply sorry and ashamed for what I have done to my wife and my loved ones. I am weak and I am broken, and I seek Your love and guidance to help me become the man and the husband that I know I can be. I ask Your forgiveness for the pain and anguish I have caused to those around me, and pray that they can likewise forgive me in their own time. I know that I have never been an evil or uncaring man, but I allowed those personal demons who had been lying dormant deep inside for so long to reemerge, and it has cost me everything. Father, I need your help in defeating those demons, and I recognize that, no matter how hard I may try, I cannot do it alone.
I also pray for my wife, Lord. Help her through the struggles and hardships she is facing, and may she find peace and happiness in her life. Touch her heart and let her know that I am truly sorry, truly repentant, and that my love for her is genuine and eternal. I alone have brought this about, Oh, Lord, and I have no ill feelings towards her. I feel nothing for her but love.
I humbly present myself to You, Almighty Father, and ask that you guide me down this next road.
In the name of the Father and the Son,
Amen
My story:
I have betrayed my wife of 18 years, not physically, but with just as much emotional hurt and damage as if there had been an actual extramarital affair. Although our marriage started out with the white-hot intensity of many first loves, I allowed complacency and my own insecurities over my sexuality to creep into an otherwise blissful, beautiful, loving relationship, and not only did I drift away physically, but I allowed myself to be tempted back into a world of fantasy and pornography that I thought I had left when I met her. Everything went great for the first six years, and then I began experiencing a few minor “performance problems” that just seemed to exacerbate the insecurities I have always had. Rather than confide in her or address the problem, I allowed myself to believe that maybe if I just dipped into the world of pornography that I could actually recharge my sexual energy and confidence. It did not, and it became a cycle where one weakness fed off the other, and soon I began emerging myself in a fantasy world that, unfortunately, included friends and family members. And it wasn’t enough just to look at porn, I had to download it, organize it, alter it, and incorporate it into my fantasy world. What should have a warning sign was the fact that this did not bring me pleasure, and it caused me to feel even less secure and physically withdrawn from the one person who meant, and still means, everything in my world, my wife. To me, it was a “harmless diversion” to take me away from my very real problems. I was able to delude myself that no one would ever get hurt, and even came to the brink of trashing everything I had downloaded and wiping the slate clean. Alas, I did not. I kept this up to varying degrees for years, seemingly keeping my fantasy world separated from my “real” world, but these two worlds collided with devastating results.
All of this came crashing down on October 23, when she sent me an e-mail at my office telling me that she had found my thumb drive some time ago, and that she had been struggling to hold it together, but had come to the point where she did not trust me and could not live with me anymore. She is now on the verge of moving into her own apartment in a nearby location, and now I am the one struggling to hold it together. Remarkably, we have remained friends through most of this, and have been able to conduct a more-or-less daily routine amicably, but our relationship is more like two housemates than a husband and wife. We both agree that our personal history is important, and she has been my best friend for the past 18 years and says we will continue that friendship, but after approximately 6,500 days of being around her constantly (except for work), the amount of my loss is becoming overwhelming. I still want her to be my friend, but more importantly, I still want her to be my wife.
I have not gone near pornography since October 23rd, and I flushed the offending and damning thumb drive into the septic the next day. In fact now, in the face of all I have lost and am going to lose, the very thought of going back to that world makes me nauseous. I have sought and received professional and medical help and am enrolling into a therapy program for people with sexual behavioral problems. My wife has done her own research and told me that she found that the recovery rate for porn addicts is very small, but that does not deter me. The emotional pain I have caused her and the loss of her trust and love, coupled with the loss of her family, our church, and now the loss of her companionship, is enough to remind me of what this “harmless diversion” has cost me. She said she can never forget what I did, nor do I want her to. I will not forget it, either, and I will keep it before me as a constant reminder of what I had and what I lost.
I am losing more than just a spouse. In my 62 years on this earth, I have known many women and have been married before, but I have never loved another person as much as I love her. My life changed the day I met her. She made me better than I was, and I cannot—no, I WILL not revert back to that person I used to be. She became my reason for everything I did and ever wanted to do, and I would give everything I have to simply hold her in my arms as a wife again. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity years ago when I drifted away physically, not taking her needs into consideration as I should have and letting my own demons control me. Now I just pray that, because of my actions, she is not seeking comfort in the arms of another.
I live my days now by the Addict’s Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I have prayed for forgiveness and the strength to continue my struggle because, as our formerly-mutual minister once proclaimed, I am broken. Unfortunately, I broke her, too.
I will appreciate your prayers and support in this my spiritual and emotional journey to forgiveness and redemption, and pray for my wife, too. No matter what happens, she will always be my wife.
In the name of the Father and the Son,
Peace be with you all
