Have you heard of the orgasm gap? It refers to the difference in how often men versus women achieve orgasm.
Specifically, women don’t reach climax as often as men do. One 2018 study put it at 95% to 65%, while a more recent study suggested that lifetime orgasm rates ranged from 70% to 85% for men and 46% to 58% for women.” Regardless, that’s a 24–30% difference between men and women reaching the pinnacle of pleasure.
I, and many others, have spilled a fair amount of ink—not literally, but you get the point—addressing the disparity in sexual pleasure between men and women.
BUT that doesn’t mean men’s orgasms don’t matter. They matter a lot!
God Created Sex to Be Pleasurable
Declaring that sex should be highly pleasurable for wives shouldn’t take anything from husbands. Rather, husbands’ pleasure is important too. Not according to me, but according to God. Note these scriptures:
Part of that pleasure involves reaching climax. It’s not a necessary ingredient for every sexual encounter, but—if at all possible—it should happen more often not.
God created sex to involve climax, and not just for reproductive purposes. Orgasm releases several body chemicals that can make us feel more connected, committed, and satisfied with our spouse. That pleasurable moment can lead to longer-term benefits for your marriage.
Husbands Struggle with Orgasm Too
You’ve surely seen the erectile dysfunction ads. They typically feature older men, suggesting that struggles with erection and climax are mostly due to aging. But while it is true that older men struggle more, it’s not just them.
Most men at some in their life–and sometimes for most or all of their life—experience difficulty climaxing. Those men may think much like the wives who’ve had ongoing orgasm problems feel: that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Or that they’ve been cheated.
Indeed, the inspiration for this blog post came from what one husband shared with me: “I have been married nearly 46 years and I still have trouble with [orgasm]. I have never understood why sex is supposed to be so good.” I hear you, good sir, and I’m sad that you’ve had such trouble.
So let’s address how male orgasm happens, what it feels like, and what to do if it doesn’t come easily for you.
What Happens with Male Orgasm?
Physiologically, speaking, a male orgasm involves:
- a brief but intense peak of subjective pleasure
- involuntary rhythmic contractions of the muscles around the penis and pelvis
- heightened sensation in the body, especially genitals
- narrowed attention and even alteration in consciousness
It typically also results in ejaculation, but orgasm and ejaculation are actually separate things. They usually occur together, but not always.
Not all climaxes are the same. For instance, while solo masturbation can produce more “rewarding” orgasms—think physical satisfaction—men report enjoying more intense orgasms within a sexual relationship. What makes an orgasm with his wife better than his hand? It’s experienced as more emotional, sensually intense, and intimate.[1]
This tracks completely with husbands who’ve reached out to tell me they don’t want to satisfy their urges through masturbation, even when a wife says, “Go ahead.” Sometimes they do it anyway (to take off the edge), but they would much rather have regular sexual intimacy with the woman they committed to and love. They want the emotional, sensual, and intimate orgasms.
Which brings me to what it feels like for him. You can find descriptions of what’s happening physiologically. Basically, something sexually stimulating triggers the brain’s emotional and desire centers (hypothalamus and limbic system), the nervous system sends messages to the penis to relax (yes, that is the penis’s relaxed state), and it fills with blood to become an erection. From there, it’s a matter of more stimulation, through rhythmic friction on or around the penis, until the orgasmic state is reached and ejaculation may happen as well.[2] How very clinical.
What Does Male Orgasm Feel Like?
Not being a man, I don’t know what orgasm feels like to him. But here’s how some men have described it.
- “A pressure builds and keeps building until you can’t hold it in anymore.”
- “Depending on the situation, it’s either a slow or quick buildup, followed by an insane explosion that lasts three to five seconds.”
- “It’s a joyful release of tension; not bad tension, positive tension.”
- “It’s like a whole body and mind numbness, where, for a few brief seconds, you strangely feel both helpless yet in complete control, mentally vacant while the entirety of your tactile sense rushes to a single point of exit.”
- “It’s like this climax that you’re passing on to someone else—this intense feeling that’s happening when you’re literally in another person. There’s nothing that makes me feel more vulnerable.”
When I read these descriptions, I was struck with how similar it sounds to the female experience. As you’re increasingly aroused, pressure builds and builds until you feel an “explosion” or “release of tension.” And you also experience a “whole body and mind numbness” that feels vulnerable and like sharing something special with your beloved.
It made me wonder what God is trying to say to us about the sexual relationship between husband and wife that represents His desire to connect with us. (See Ephesians 5:31–32.) Release, surrender, vulnerability, intimacy. Are these feelings we should have in our connection with Him?
Regardless, orgasm seems to be an enjoyable and intimate experience in marriage—one worth pursuing for both spouses when possible.
Tell Me More!
What to Do When Orgasm Isn’t Working?
Achieving orgasm can become more difficult as men age, but getting older is hardly the only time husbands experience orgasm difficulties. A number of issues can make it difficult to reach climax. Male orgasm problems include:
- Dry orgasm due to an enlarged prostate, sperm duct blockage, bladder or prostate surgery complications, certain medications, or other issues. Orgasm is still happening, but without ejaculate (which releases but tends to fall back into the bladder rather than eject from the penis), it may feel less satisfying or complete.
- Anorgasmia, which is the inability to orgasm, for any number of reasons including hypertension, diabetes, anxiety or depression, trauma, and stress.
- Premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, though strictly speaking, these are ejaculatory issues rather than orgasmic ones. Even so, they affect the male experience of orgasm.
What to do depends on what’s happening and the reason behind it. If the cause is physical, the treatment is often physical as well. For instance, if medications are causing orgasmic difficulties, then asking your doctor if there are alternatives might be the next step. Or you may not realize you’re having hypertension or experiencing Type 2 diabetes until you see a medical practitioner who gives you the right tests to discover the problem—both of which are treatable. This is why my advice to people is almost always to start with a visit to your healthcare provider. (See Struggling with Sex in Marriage? Here’s What To Do First.)
But sometimes, what you’re experiencing is psychosomatic. That word does not mean it’s all in your head! Rather, it means that something going on in your psyche—your mind and/or emotions—is having an effect on your body. Your symptoms are real, physical issues (such as an inability to climax), but the source is something like stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship problems. It could also be something like shame from pornography use or infidelity in your marriage. In this case, the answer is to address that underlying issue. You might benefit from seeking the help of a trained coach or counselor.
Another issue I’ve read and heard about quite often is men having trained their bodies to respond to extreme stimuli rather than regular sexual intimacy with a real-life woman. Experts coined the term pornography-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) to describe men who no longer experience satisfying sex with a partner because their brains have been rewired to desire porn (often harder and harder core) and self-stimulation.
The answer to this situation is to stop all sexual activity, let the body go through withdrawal and reset, and then reinitiate sex with the wife, who must be ready and willing before engagement, under very different circumstances. I don’t pretend to know all that should happen in this scenario, so I will simply point men to such resources as:
- Aldrich Ministries – unwanted sexual behaviors coaching
- Be Broken – overcoming pornography addiction or other unwanted sexual behaviors.
- XXXChurch – break porn habits, overcome shame, and adopt a healthy view of sex.
- Samson Society – an online community for men seeking healing from sex and porn addiction or unwanted behaviors.
What Does His Orgasm Mean to Her?
Sad to say, some wives aren’t that concerned about their husbands’ orgasms. Some have experienced emotional pain in this area, but others just don’t believe it’s that important. But for those wives who have a healthy relationship to sex—and if you don’t, please listen to our podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives—his orgasm is pretty great.
It indicates that he’s reached a pinnacle of pleasure. And sometimes—don’t count on it, but it can happen—his climactic spasms can trigger not only pleasure but climax for her.
That said, some wives feel they’ve met their own obligations or their desire for his satisfaction when he climaxes. And if he doesn’t reach climax, she can wonder if she’s a desirable or effective lover.
Husbands, please reassure your wives that your orgasm isn’t the only reason you’re there. Hey, I’m all for you reaching climax! But good-willed husbands tell me again and again that it’s the closeness with their wives that matters most. You may need to say that aloud to your lovely wife.
Wives, please remember that our hearts and bodies aren’t always aligned. He might have loved being naked, aroused, and intimate with you … yet somehow his body didn’t cooperate with climax. If you’re feeling let down by him not having that “explosion,” lean towards compassion. He might even be embarrassed that it didn’t happen, and your reassuring response could help him relax and feel ready for the next sexual encounter—when an orgasm might happily appear.
Summing It All Up…
Husbands’ orgasms matter! I can say that without diminishing my call to close the orgasm gap for wives. In fact, drawing attention to husbands who struggle with climax can provide a touchpoint for us understanding one another better. Any spouse—male or female—should experience orgasm more often than not.
That’s a biblical perspective, which you can find in both 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and Song of Songs. Husband and wife should both be interested in, engaged with, and satisfied by their sexual encounters.
If a husband isn’t experiencing or enjoying orgasm, maybe it’s time to ask why. That should likely start with a healthcare provider, but it might also involve looking into one’s history, present practices, and marital relationship, as well as reaching out to a trustworthy coach or counselor.
[1] Muñoz-García, L.E., Gómez-Berrocal, C. & Sierra, J.C. Evaluating the Subjective Orgasm Experience Through Sexual Context, Gender, and Sexual Orientation. Arch Sex Behav 52, 1479–1491 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02493-3
[2] Britt, Tabitha. “Male Orgasm: Physiology, Phases, Disorders, and Treatment.” Edited by Jamin Brahmbhatt. EverydayHealth.com, July 25, 2025. Male Orgasm: Physiology, Phases, Disorders, and Treatment.
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