Last night was the end of yesterday. A week ago I did something that really estranged my wife from me in an already strained relationship and I messed up badly, blaming circumstances, people, events etc for what and how I felt when it was none of those things. It was me. I sought prayer online in many places but nothing prepared me for anything like last night. I was broken, hurt, sore inside and there was this well of anger and frustration, depression, solitude...I missed my wife. She's called twice since last Friday but for five days I had nothing. Nothing but loneliness where my friends started avoiding me and that was online. They avoided emails, phone calls, everything. I prayed...I prayed and I begged and I pleaded but nothing happened. The two times that she did call was when I really needed it and believed for it. My mind was clear of the anger and frustrations when I did and I didn't realize that that was it. When I did pray before, there were things blocking the communications between me and my Heavenly Dad. I had that rage, I had murderous thoughts...these were the men who broke up my marriage, who came into a sacred bond and destroyed it and I wanted to hurt them...I sat here for absolute hours watching my screen for just a message from her, not sleeping, hardly eating and feeling physically sick all the time. I left when I knew she was asleep and half heartedly went to gym and basically just got sore for it without achieving anything. I'd come back and look at my screen again hoping for just a good night or a I love you but there was nothing and dejected I would crawl under my covers and sleep for a few hours. The dreams weren't good and the thoughts they left me with weren't either. I requested prayer to ask people to pray with me that even though she is hanging out with these men that God would help her remain faithful and that sin wouldn't enter...I was still wrong because of my own selfishness. I didn't want to share the woman I love with any man. The fear and loathing in my heart grew. Add to that lack of sleep and being overly emotional and I was a wreck...When my prayers weren't answered I started cutting myself like some emo teenager and it didn't help, just made my arm uncomfortable and me more annoyed with why God didn't answer my prayers...
Then came last night. I wanted to know if my faith wasn't strong enough then, what was I doing wrong. In one last ditched attempt to make sense of it all I went into the chat room and just asked the question...What is faith? And I got my answer because God is faithful. The word tells us that if you seek wisdom, ask for it and it shall be given to you and right there, in this here chatroom, God set His angels and saints upon me and I was being whiny as never before not understanding, I believed, I did everything...except forgive...except repent everything. One of the members told me to take what she was going to say with the love she meant it with and told me to "Man up" That shook me because that's something my wife tells me often as well and I thought okay...and I asked...How? And again I received an answer and it made sense. God tells us that His plans are not to harm us, it's to prosper us and for me, my prosperity is my family, my wife and my dad and I wanted that prosperity back. So I asked how again. Again saints and angels answered and as I sat here, still reading with tears streaming down my face I started repenting. I asked God to show me what else there was in my life that I should change and again...Forgive. Without forgiveness you cant be forgiven and I did that. I thought it would be hard. A few days ago I hated these men, I wanted to do them bodily harm and for me that's a lot because I don't believe in violence. I forgave them. I didn't think twice, I named them by name and forgave them and not only them. I didn't just say the words, I meant them. I forgave them completely (Even now the enemy is trying to make me remember what they did and every time he does, I forgive them again) Then I went on and asked God to make me the man He wants me to be, the man he wants me to be for my wife and I carried up my wife to him too. Not only her, I stood and told Him, like he carries me when I cant walk the distance back Home, so I will carry my wife and stand with her as I promised I would and not just because of the promise, because my gut told me that that's what I had to do just as it told me on Sunday to give her up to God and I did but missing her the whole time I kept taking her back from His capable, loving, caring hands. I asked God to work through me so that she could see the changes, that she would want the man I'm becoming more than she wants this freedom. That my wife would want me back and we could reconcile and live in the harmony we had. I prayed and I meant every word and I believed. I believed God for a miracle and to show me what a faithful Father He is...a few minutes later my wife who earlier the day told me she couldn't call me pet names anymore because it would make it harder on me used the name she only uses when she's scared and messaged me on -banned site- and asked if she could call me. I told her before she called I had to tell her something and I told her that I have problems, jealousy being one of them that I have to work on and I am getting help from the best healer I know for it. That I'm going to be the man she knew, the rock and safe harbor, her security blanket again. I'm going to be the man she needs me to be and always be there for her and then she called and we talked. It's going to be a long road and we're going to start new with God sitting with us through everything. I'm going to woo my wife and it'll be like we're dating for the first time again. She told me then that I had her heart, that I've always had her heart and she used the same name again and told me that she loves me. Not in a written 'ily' but the actual words which she last used on Wednesday and she told me then not to get used to it, she was still hurt by what I did. And then we just spent time together until she fell asleep. For the first time I could hear my wife breathing as she was sleeping again and I wasn't happy, I was ecstatic. And it was not because of the call or hearing her sleep, it was because I serve a Mighty God that is true to His word. A God that could soften her heart again to feel safe with me next to her. I praised God as my wife slept and I turned down the volume of the music she was listening to while she slept and just kept on thanking God, praising His love and His mercy, When her music stopped I read that there were Youtube links in the chat and then my browser froze but that didn't stop me. Again I asked God and Youtube was available to me though no other site was, not even this one and I started worshiping God and as I did I asked Him, God, she's asleep. Is it okay if I carry this wife of mine in my heart as I worship so that we may both worship you together and then I worshiped. I sang and raised my hands while looking at the sleeping form of my wife on my screen over Skype and I worshiped. And during that worship I asked what they all asked...Holy Spirit, fill me up and true to His word again to give what we ask I was filled right here, in front of my computer and I started laughing out loud and praying in tongues as I kept on worshiping my Creator and Savior! And as I'm sitting here, I'm still worshiping Him. The tears of sadness and pain are now tears of joy and exultation for my God, my first love and there's a smile on my face again. God is good...yes and no...God is AWESOME!!!
Faith. Believe, keep on believing, accept it, be thankful for it and remember that when you feel like you're praying and God's not listening or things are getting hard. Search and ask Him to show you where the blockage is that's keeping the line of communications down. Forgive, go before Him with a clear heart without malice and your blessings will come. If it doesn't right then, don't be discouraged, just keep believing. God's Will is perfect and so is His timing. Hold on, grab on if you have to but don't stop believing, don't give up because it didn't work out now. Keep that faith, grow it as you meditate on His word and praise Him and thank Him for the blessings that you have and the ones that you will have. Never stop believing. That opens the door to the enemy and he's a sly one...
Be blessed and keep the faith. Our Heavenly Father will keep His promises, He will be true to His Holy Word
Blessings to all who read this and to all who haven't
Then came last night. I wanted to know if my faith wasn't strong enough then, what was I doing wrong. In one last ditched attempt to make sense of it all I went into the chat room and just asked the question...What is faith? And I got my answer because God is faithful. The word tells us that if you seek wisdom, ask for it and it shall be given to you and right there, in this here chatroom, God set His angels and saints upon me and I was being whiny as never before not understanding, I believed, I did everything...except forgive...except repent everything. One of the members told me to take what she was going to say with the love she meant it with and told me to "Man up" That shook me because that's something my wife tells me often as well and I thought okay...and I asked...How? And again I received an answer and it made sense. God tells us that His plans are not to harm us, it's to prosper us and for me, my prosperity is my family, my wife and my dad and I wanted that prosperity back. So I asked how again. Again saints and angels answered and as I sat here, still reading with tears streaming down my face I started repenting. I asked God to show me what else there was in my life that I should change and again...Forgive. Without forgiveness you cant be forgiven and I did that. I thought it would be hard. A few days ago I hated these men, I wanted to do them bodily harm and for me that's a lot because I don't believe in violence. I forgave them. I didn't think twice, I named them by name and forgave them and not only them. I didn't just say the words, I meant them. I forgave them completely (Even now the enemy is trying to make me remember what they did and every time he does, I forgive them again) Then I went on and asked God to make me the man He wants me to be, the man he wants me to be for my wife and I carried up my wife to him too. Not only her, I stood and told Him, like he carries me when I cant walk the distance back Home, so I will carry my wife and stand with her as I promised I would and not just because of the promise, because my gut told me that that's what I had to do just as it told me on Sunday to give her up to God and I did but missing her the whole time I kept taking her back from His capable, loving, caring hands. I asked God to work through me so that she could see the changes, that she would want the man I'm becoming more than she wants this freedom. That my wife would want me back and we could reconcile and live in the harmony we had. I prayed and I meant every word and I believed. I believed God for a miracle and to show me what a faithful Father He is...a few minutes later my wife who earlier the day told me she couldn't call me pet names anymore because it would make it harder on me used the name she only uses when she's scared and messaged me on -banned site- and asked if she could call me. I told her before she called I had to tell her something and I told her that I have problems, jealousy being one of them that I have to work on and I am getting help from the best healer I know for it. That I'm going to be the man she knew, the rock and safe harbor, her security blanket again. I'm going to be the man she needs me to be and always be there for her and then she called and we talked. It's going to be a long road and we're going to start new with God sitting with us through everything. I'm going to woo my wife and it'll be like we're dating for the first time again. She told me then that I had her heart, that I've always had her heart and she used the same name again and told me that she loves me. Not in a written 'ily' but the actual words which she last used on Wednesday and she told me then not to get used to it, she was still hurt by what I did. And then we just spent time together until she fell asleep. For the first time I could hear my wife breathing as she was sleeping again and I wasn't happy, I was ecstatic. And it was not because of the call or hearing her sleep, it was because I serve a Mighty God that is true to His word. A God that could soften her heart again to feel safe with me next to her. I praised God as my wife slept and I turned down the volume of the music she was listening to while she slept and just kept on thanking God, praising His love and His mercy, When her music stopped I read that there were Youtube links in the chat and then my browser froze but that didn't stop me. Again I asked God and Youtube was available to me though no other site was, not even this one and I started worshiping God and as I did I asked Him, God, she's asleep. Is it okay if I carry this wife of mine in my heart as I worship so that we may both worship you together and then I worshiped. I sang and raised my hands while looking at the sleeping form of my wife on my screen over Skype and I worshiped. And during that worship I asked what they all asked...Holy Spirit, fill me up and true to His word again to give what we ask I was filled right here, in front of my computer and I started laughing out loud and praying in tongues as I kept on worshiping my Creator and Savior! And as I'm sitting here, I'm still worshiping Him. The tears of sadness and pain are now tears of joy and exultation for my God, my first love and there's a smile on my face again. God is good...yes and no...God is AWESOME!!!
Faith. Believe, keep on believing, accept it, be thankful for it and remember that when you feel like you're praying and God's not listening or things are getting hard. Search and ask Him to show you where the blockage is that's keeping the line of communications down. Forgive, go before Him with a clear heart without malice and your blessings will come. If it doesn't right then, don't be discouraged, just keep believing. God's Will is perfect and so is His timing. Hold on, grab on if you have to but don't stop believing, don't give up because it didn't work out now. Keep that faith, grow it as you meditate on His word and praise Him and thank Him for the blessings that you have and the ones that you will have. Never stop believing. That opens the door to the enemy and he's a sly one...
Be blessed and keep the faith. Our Heavenly Father will keep His promises, He will be true to His Holy Word
Blessings to all who read this and to all who haven't
