adaplexy
Disciple of Prayer
I’ve really been struggling with doubting my salvation for years. My main fear has to do with Matthew 16:24-25. Every time these doubts come around, I always get the feeling the Holy Spirit is telling me don’t worry you are saved and you have nothing to worry about. But I always feel like God is disappointed in me, and that because I have never truly tried and put God first in my life, i.e. usually my day is school, I am currently in nursing school, lay around and play games/ watch TV and study. I know I should do more than just pray every night, or when I’m scared for tests like I have coming up soon, but I’m so lazy, and forgetting all the time, that I never do anything, and I feel like God is upset and going to punish me somehow, which usually I fear is hell. I think my fear of hell/ dying and suffering forever has gotten me into thinking that by not focusing every day and doing something for God every day, and giving him everything that I am hanging onto my life like it says in Matthew 16. I believe that I am saved and that Christ died for me on the cross, but I am tired of always doubting my salvation and never knowing whether it is Satan tricking me and using my fear of dying and suffering forever in hell against me, or something like the Holy Spirit telling me that I was more scared of hell than realizing I truly needed God, and that I never truly did give my life to Christ, and that I should repent. Which again goes back to Matthew 16. I really want to give God my all, and to end all this doubt, and really want to be that person who isn’t afraid to go out and do what God told him to do, and not care about what people thought of him or anything like that, but I always fear that when the time comes to standing up for God, or being punished for believing in Him, that I will be so fearful and wanting to save my own life, that I will deny Him. I know God has a lot of plans for me, and that I have A LOT of growing up to do, both in terms of maturity and spiritual maturity, but I feel like my laziness, and worrying more about school and how I will afford stuff, along with other things are always going to be stopping me from truly giving my all to God, and thus be for stuck in a state of Spiritual Immaturity. Also, speaking of school, I would ask if you please pray just for my grades. I worry about them all the time, even though currently are all B’s except for one class. I have 2 tests on Monday, which I told my parents I was going to prepare for starting last week, week of 10/18, but I didn’t start even slightly reviewing until 10/23 and the tests are both on 10/27. I feel like I am under so much pressure to do well and to get this right the first time. I know I don’t prepare/ study like I should, because of my own laziness, that it has put me in an unfavorable position. God has already blessed me and given me solid grades in 3 of my classes, and has blessed me in getting my last grade almost to a passing level, only 1 point away. Please pray that God does indeed continues to bless me with good grades in these two classes, as well as all my other nursing courses, and that I will make it through nursing school on the first try. Thank You so much, and God bless.
