```markdown
It’s already February, and this is only my second post of the year! But we greeted January with illness in our house, an unusual snow and ice event (for Texas), and my husband having knee replacement surgery.
While he was in the hospital recovery room, the nurse went through discharge instructions with me. She covered things like no bathing but showers are okay, keep the dressing on until the doctor removes it at the post-op appointment, full pelvic rest so no intercourse for four weeks, follow the medication schedule as prescrib—
“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” I interrupted. “You brushed right over that. Can we back up?”
She gave me a sheepish smile.
“Four weeks?” I whisper-shrieked. “I knew it would be a little bit of time, but FOUR WEEKS?!”
For fifteen years, I’ve iterated and reiterated good reasons to have sex. It’s a part of marriage that helps to distinguish it from other relationships. It feels good (and if it doesn’t, please read more or my site or seek help because it’s supposed to). It yields health benefits. It can result in wonderful tiny humans that unsettle our nerves but capture our hearts forever. It builds intimacy between husband and wife. It reflects the kind of connection God (our husband) wants to have with His followers (His bride).
I’m definitely pro-sex in marriage.
But I’ve also learned that there are times when you shouldn’t be having sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 notes that you may want to take a break to devote yourselves to prayer; that is, a sex fast on par with food fasts that God’s people have done for centuries to focus more time on God. The Old Testament also commanded a break from sexual activity during menstruation and after childbirth. We’re not under the same ritual restrictions today, but those laws show that God was in favor of a couple not having sex when one’s health was at risk.*
My husband’s knee surgery certainly counts as a health issue, but four weeks is hardly the longest we’ve gone without. We were sex-free for four months while I was carrying our second child, a high-risk pregnancy that warranted no pelvic activity to keep me from going into too-early labor. Other couples have stopped sexual encounters during cancer treatment, while experiencing chronic illness, or to address sexual pain. (If you’re having sexual pain, please listen to this podcast episode and this one.)
There’s also the emotional health aspect. Most couples should pause sexual activity while dealing with past trauma or recent betrayal. You may need time and space to process what’s happened and build greater safety before reintroducing sexual intimacy.
And if a spouse is having mental health issues—depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc.—they may need a break from sex while they tackle those issues.
Once the health issue passes, a spouse can return to the sexual relationship with greater peace, more confidence, and a higher ability to bond with their spouse.
Well, sexual desire might not be a pressing issue for one of you, but the other one often still feels a desire to sexually connect. Obviously, I was planning to jump my husband’s bones well before four weeks post-surgery. You may have gone through a season when sex reasonably couldn’t happen and yet felt strong urges.
It’s not surprising. Indeed, that verse mentioned above, 1 Corinthians 7:5, suggests that after a sex fast for the purpose of focused prayer, the couple come together again, in part to avoid temptation. Sure, some individuals aren’t that sex-driven, but the apostle Paul recognizes that it’s not uncommon to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Because yeah, God created us as sexual beings.
Even if the goal is a worthy one—prayer, health, relational trust—it can be difficult to wait. And wait. And wait.
So what do you do with your sexual interest when sex can’t happen? Here are a few options.
After my protest to the discharge nurse about four weeks of no intercourse, I turned to my husband and muttered, “Well, there’s still your hand.”
Depending on why you’re not having intercourse, you might have other sexual activities open to you. Perhaps a hand job for him, manual play for her, or oral sex for either is an option. If so, savor what’s still available to you.
If no sexual stuff is happening, look at this time as an opportunity to invest in your friendship and study your spouse more deeply. Get curious about who she or he is, ask questions and listen to their answers, work on the struggles you’re facing, romance your spouse like you used to, and become the person they can turn to, trust, and rely on.
Sexual intimacy is only one type of intimacy we can have in marriage. I happen to write and speak about this particular aspect, but there’s also emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy that isn’t sex. Find ways to foster these bonds with your spouse. Share your heart. Talk about what you’ve read or what you’re thinking. Do fun things together. Study the Bible and/or pray together. Show affection through hand-holding, hugs, snuggling, and kissing.
To those spouses in truly sexless marriages, my heart aches for you (and please see my series for you). But for many couples, a time of no-sex lasts only a season. It can be endured. Reminding yourself that it won’t last forever and you will be back at it again soon can help you make it through the rough period of abstinence.
I marked the date on my planner when Spock (logical hubby’s nickname) and I can engage again. I even added a sticker that reads “Do Something Amazing!” Knowing that an amazing time will be happening helps me to hang on. You can hang on too.
* Infections are more likely to occur when the cervix is open, which occurs during menstruation and for about two weeks after childbirth.
The post It’s Hard to Write About Sex When You’re Not Having Any appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
```
It’s already February, and this is only my second post of the year! But we greeted January with illness in our house, an unusual snow and ice event (for Texas), and my husband having knee replacement surgery.
While he was in the hospital recovery room, the nurse went through discharge instructions with me. She covered things like no bathing but showers are okay, keep the dressing on until the doctor removes it at the post-op appointment, full pelvic rest so no intercourse for four weeks, follow the medication schedule as prescrib—
“Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,” I interrupted. “You brushed right over that. Can we back up?”
She gave me a sheepish smile.
“Four weeks?” I whisper-shrieked. “I knew it would be a little bit of time, but FOUR WEEKS?!”
Good Reasons to Not Have Sex
For fifteen years, I’ve iterated and reiterated good reasons to have sex. It’s a part of marriage that helps to distinguish it from other relationships. It feels good (and if it doesn’t, please read more or my site or seek help because it’s supposed to). It yields health benefits. It can result in wonderful tiny humans that unsettle our nerves but capture our hearts forever. It builds intimacy between husband and wife. It reflects the kind of connection God (our husband) wants to have with His followers (His bride).
I’m definitely pro-sex in marriage.
But I’ve also learned that there are times when you shouldn’t be having sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 notes that you may want to take a break to devote yourselves to prayer; that is, a sex fast on par with food fasts that God’s people have done for centuries to focus more time on God. The Old Testament also commanded a break from sexual activity during menstruation and after childbirth. We’re not under the same ritual restrictions today, but those laws show that God was in favor of a couple not having sex when one’s health was at risk.*
My husband’s knee surgery certainly counts as a health issue, but four weeks is hardly the longest we’ve gone without. We were sex-free for four months while I was carrying our second child, a high-risk pregnancy that warranted no pelvic activity to keep me from going into too-early labor. Other couples have stopped sexual encounters during cancer treatment, while experiencing chronic illness, or to address sexual pain. (If you’re having sexual pain, please listen to this podcast episode and this one.)
There’s also the emotional health aspect. Most couples should pause sexual activity while dealing with past trauma or recent betrayal. You may need time and space to process what’s happened and build greater safety before reintroducing sexual intimacy.
And if a spouse is having mental health issues—depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc.—they may need a break from sex while they tackle those issues.
Once the health issue passes, a spouse can return to the sexual relationship with greater peace, more confidence, and a higher ability to bond with their spouse.
Sexual Desire Doesn’t Go Away
Well, sexual desire might not be a pressing issue for one of you, but the other one often still feels a desire to sexually connect. Obviously, I was planning to jump my husband’s bones well before four weeks post-surgery. You may have gone through a season when sex reasonably couldn’t happen and yet felt strong urges.
It’s not surprising. Indeed, that verse mentioned above, 1 Corinthians 7:5, suggests that after a sex fast for the purpose of focused prayer, the couple come together again, in part to avoid temptation. Sure, some individuals aren’t that sex-driven, but the apostle Paul recognizes that it’s not uncommon to “burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Because yeah, God created us as sexual beings.
Even if the goal is a worthy one—prayer, health, relational trust—it can be difficult to wait. And wait. And wait.
When Sex Is Off the Table
So what do you do with your sexual interest when sex can’t happen? Here are a few options.
Do Other Sexual Stuff
After my protest to the discharge nurse about four weeks of no intercourse, I turned to my husband and muttered, “Well, there’s still your hand.”
Depending on why you’re not having intercourse, you might have other sexual activities open to you. Perhaps a hand job for him, manual play for her, or oral sex for either is an option. If so, savor what’s still available to you.
Rebuild Your Relationship
If no sexual stuff is happening, look at this time as an opportunity to invest in your friendship and study your spouse more deeply. Get curious about who she or he is, ask questions and listen to their answers, work on the struggles you’re facing, romance your spouse like you used to, and become the person they can turn to, trust, and rely on.
Invest in Other Forms of Intimacy
Sexual intimacy is only one type of intimacy we can have in marriage. I happen to write and speak about this particular aspect, but there’s also emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, recreational intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy that isn’t sex. Find ways to foster these bonds with your spouse. Share your heart. Talk about what you’ve read or what you’re thinking. Do fun things together. Study the Bible and/or pray together. Show affection through hand-holding, hugs, snuggling, and kissing.
Remind Yourself It’s a Season
To those spouses in truly sexless marriages, my heart aches for you (and please see my series for you). But for many couples, a time of no-sex lasts only a season. It can be endured. Reminding yourself that it won’t last forever and you will be back at it again soon can help you make it through the rough period of abstinence.
I marked the date on my planner when Spock (logical hubby’s nickname) and I can engage again. I even added a sticker that reads “Do Something Amazing!” Knowing that an amazing time will be happening helps me to hang on. You can hang on too.
* Infections are more likely to occur when the cervix is open, which occurs during menstruation and for about two weeks after childbirth.
The post It’s Hard to Write About Sex When You’re Not Having Any appeared first on Hot, Holy & Humorous.
Continue reading...
```
