Anonymous
Beloved of All
When I was ### and still green/sexually inexperienced, an ex who was ### at the time introduced me to some sexual stuff. Not full on sex but enough for me to feel lust for the first time. I’m not blaming him, but there was no need for him to introduce me to that stuff and he could have taken the fatherly route and stopped my curiosity.
I was curious and wanted to understand men better so I (sometimes) went along with it to better understand the male psyche. I was a nerd and was going along with it purely to understand things on an intellectual and psychological level and was using the relationship as “guinea pig” to also understand myself. He ended things and I tried things with other guys too (online).
It obviously unblocked doors I was not prepared for. I did not like the fact that we have animal instincts and are dictated by evolutionary biology. I felt like there’s something that has to be transcending all of this. So I fell back on Christianity, and the whole message of waiting for marriage/respecting your sexuality started to make sense (never understood it really before). I now believe in Christ and want to follow his ways. I long to have a loving relationship with a man, in which I am feminine and submit to his lead and protection. I want to feel like he’s my first again. Is that all possible? Or will my past forever haunt me/any relationship I get into and get in the way of that dynamic and love I crave?
I was curious and wanted to understand men better so I (sometimes) went along with it to better understand the male psyche. I was a nerd and was going along with it purely to understand things on an intellectual and psychological level and was using the relationship as “guinea pig” to also understand myself. He ended things and I tried things with other guys too (online).
It obviously unblocked doors I was not prepared for. I did not like the fact that we have animal instincts and are dictated by evolutionary biology. I felt like there’s something that has to be transcending all of this. So I fell back on Christianity, and the whole message of waiting for marriage/respecting your sexuality started to make sense (never understood it really before). I now believe in Christ and want to follow his ways. I long to have a loving relationship with a man, in which I am feminine and submit to his lead and protection. I want to feel like he’s my first again. Is that all possible? Or will my past forever haunt me/any relationship I get into and get in the way of that dynamic and love I crave?

Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. Bless me to know You in truth, fall in love with You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and never fall out of love with You. Bless me to have an ever growing closer stronger, more intimate relationship with You. Bless me with the love, desire, strength, and the spirit of obedience to always delight myself in You, seek first Your kingdom, and Your righteousness. Help and strengthen me God to always respect and obey You. Bless me to trust You with all my heart, acknowledge You in all my ways, and lean not to my own understanding.