Anonymous
Beloved of All
I feel depressed and miserable almost all of the time. I know as Christians we are supposed to have the joy of the Lord in our soul. I don't know what to do. God has blessed me so richly in this life that I feel even more miserable, sad, and empty at having the nerve to even be depressed and ungrateful. I read my Bible alot and I have a strong prayer life. I have a supportive church AND a parent who is an ordained minister. I don't know why I am this way. I just hate myself and I want to die. I had my first episode of depression when I was five. I attempted suicide for the first time at 21 and that was after contemplating it all through high school and college. I attempted suicide a second time after the losses of close loved ones, in my thirties at this point. I have a family, a husband, four beautiful children, another baby on the way. Now I feel like it would have been better for me to die when I was single now I have this family who depends on me and instead of feeling loved I feel awful. I know there are people starving, dying, being persecuted, wrongfully imprisoned, sleeping on the streets and that I have no right to these feelings. I've sought spiritual counseling psychiatric help, clinical social work therapy, I've been on psychotropic meds. I read my bible til it falls apart. Nothing changes. Here's the worst part. I am a social worker; I empower people to help make more positive choices in their own lives, but I can't do it for myself. Every day I just put on a fake smile. I'm nothing like Jesus.
