Anonymous
Beloved of All
I'm tired of being unhappy. I hate my life. I am a total failure and I'm just tired of it. I feel basically worthless. If I died tonight, it wouldn't be a loss. I am tired of this marriage; I don't love her, sadly. Not sure I ever really did. 9 ½ years of trying to be positive, trying to make something happen, while continually getting beat over the head over things. She says she was supportive, but what I remember is that something was a great idea at first, but by the next day, it was already trashed; can't be done; isn't going to work. Been told all I was good for was my sperm, been told other equally negative things. Was told she was disconnecting and that she was preparing me for divorce; so I disconnected, but she changed her mind; I haven't been able to re-connect. We were never right for each other. We have no common interests. Fear is the only reason I proposed. She said (in so many words) marry me or else. I asked God, but the truth is, I was afraid if I didn't, I'd never have another chance, since I've never had much luck in dating, so I settled, like I did the first time, but still being full of grief and depression from first wife's passing, I shouldn't have. I should have let her walk. There's been very little blessing, since. I wish I hadn't asked; I really do. And now, with things the way they are, it's awful. Regular arguing and fighting, I have no desires for her, I have no feelings anymore, I just want out. The stress is affecting me; I can feel it in my neck, and I'm sure that's the issue with my hip, as well.
It's just how my life is, pathetic. The one job I have passion for and can do reasonably well, is a dying industry; I've pretty much failed at most other types of work. I'm pretty much a failure whatever I do. The only skills I have are pretty much useless. I can't make a living, I feel hopeless. I go to school, but I'm struggling, and I'll probably just fail at that type of work, too.
At 47 years of age, I still don't know what it's like to be in love with someone; to know that they are it; the one. I never was given that blessing of learning about relationships in my youth. Did not have a good teacher at home. Pretty much anyone I was interested in in school, was taken or not interested in me. Pretty pathetic, huh. And of course, the way my life runs, after all this time, I actually do meet someone who I could see being for me, but what good does that do? I'm married. My life sucks. I fail to see why God keeps me on this earth. I have accomplished nothing, really. I ask for his will, but never hear anything. Guess I'm just either been so bad or just so unimportant that he brushes me off. And the only real friend I've had, is a co-worker, but the friendship is limited since it's a woman, and I'm married while she's seeing someone. I really have no one to talk to. Can't talk to my wife, many of the issues are related to her, plus, if I share my feelings, I usually get called dysfunctional or immature; never a simple “It's okay†or anything like that. I talk to the above mentioned friend, some, but that's pretty limited to what you can converse while working. I try talking to God, but seldom hear anything.
It's just how my life is, pathetic. The one job I have passion for and can do reasonably well, is a dying industry; I've pretty much failed at most other types of work. I'm pretty much a failure whatever I do. The only skills I have are pretty much useless. I can't make a living, I feel hopeless. I go to school, but I'm struggling, and I'll probably just fail at that type of work, too.
At 47 years of age, I still don't know what it's like to be in love with someone; to know that they are it; the one. I never was given that blessing of learning about relationships in my youth. Did not have a good teacher at home. Pretty much anyone I was interested in in school, was taken or not interested in me. Pretty pathetic, huh. And of course, the way my life runs, after all this time, I actually do meet someone who I could see being for me, but what good does that do? I'm married. My life sucks. I fail to see why God keeps me on this earth. I have accomplished nothing, really. I ask for his will, but never hear anything. Guess I'm just either been so bad or just so unimportant that he brushes me off. And the only real friend I've had, is a co-worker, but the friendship is limited since it's a woman, and I'm married while she's seeing someone. I really have no one to talk to. Can't talk to my wife, many of the issues are related to her, plus, if I share my feelings, I usually get called dysfunctional or immature; never a simple “It's okay†or anything like that. I talk to the above mentioned friend, some, but that's pretty limited to what you can converse while working. I try talking to God, but seldom hear anything.
