EAndersen
Prayer Warrior
If you look at my last posts you know what I've been going through. There's a lot more it than just that, I suffer every day and I only work forward and work to be a better christian. I'm a better person now than I ever was but I'm only being punished more. This morning was the first day of college classes but I found that somehow I'd been dropped from the ones that I really needed, and that the other class has my ex which is previously mentioned in it. She is vindictive, cold, and callous and this is NOT the girl I once loved. Overnight she became this and all I pray is for God to take the darkness out of her and things only get worse. I forgave her, I'm the better man in all this, but she only gets worse. We were going to be married, we were supposed to be the only ones to have each other and she has been torturing me by rubbing her sexual escapades in my face and I stand here, don't curse, don't get angry, and I forgive her. But I only suffer. I put others before myself, I have sacrificed so much and endured time and time again. These last two months feel like two years and I'm so incredibly tired. I have been so stressed out that I have life-threatening panic attacks and she likes to torment me by triggering them... I can't do this anymore. I can never step off my path, but at this point I can't do anything but just crawl forward and I'm only getting punished more. Every blessing is just a curse in disguise and I'm tired of it. I know which direction to go and what I need to do and I'm still doing it even though I feel like I'm dead emotionally, how could I pass this test any better? I haven't even questioned God or been angry, I just pray that this is over but that I understand if it isn't. Every prayer just seems to turn into something worse, and I have no way of telling whether the next prayer will backfire or not but I pray anyway. There's no way I could be more faithful, but this pain is only getting worse...
My childhood dog died who got me over my fear of animals, my cat I've had since I was a child, my grandmother left (the only role model I ever had), all my brothers have been sent off to the most dangerous part of Afghanistan Kandahar, I was kicked out of school because Sara stole my final exams and lost all my credits, my family has 10 dollars in the bank, and the car may break down any day as well as the fact my mom may be laid off. Close family members have been dying, one of my close friends got cancer... This has all been a recent development and happened within weeks of one another. I cant take any more.
My childhood dog died who got me over my fear of animals, my cat I've had since I was a child, my grandmother left (the only role model I ever had), all my brothers have been sent off to the most dangerous part of Afghanistan Kandahar, I was kicked out of school because Sara stole my final exams and lost all my credits, my family has 10 dollars in the bank, and the car may break down any day as well as the fact my mom may be laid off. Close family members have been dying, one of my close friends got cancer... This has all been a recent development and happened within weeks of one another. I cant take any more.
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