Alera
Prayer Partner
My whole life, literally, has been interesting. My mother was horrifically abused during her childhood and she was unable to break the cycle. I took on the role of protector and fixer. I have made my life about taking care of everyone else. My interesting childhood, continued into an interesting adolescence and adulthood. There hasn't ever been an opportunity to deal with the interesting events that continually occur in my life, because I have others that I need to focus on taking care of, and because more interesting things keep happening. I have known God my entire life, my mother was a sunday school teacher and her husband was a pastor. I broke the cycle because of God. Any thing and everything in me, of me, completed by me, is Him, and not me. My life has been a series of opportunities for me to trust God. I do. I know He provides. I understand we all fall short and that none of us are worthy, but I cant help but feel that all the suffering in mine and my families lives is because of me. I recently posted that my non husband husband of 12 years left me and our kids to continue living in a hotel on our own. I feel alone, betrayed and so very angry. Note, I pray for Gods will on daily basis so I know that I have it. I know that my non husband left, because its Gods will and I know that God can bring glory. It is very difficult for me to except good things. the more I pray for God to bring me closer to Him, the more resigned I am to the fact that means more lessons, more pruning, more trials and tribulations. I know that He will continue to do a work in me till the day He calls me home. Im tired of feeling like im not enough, im tired. I used to be that annoyingly peppy person. Now all I see are possibilities for more interesting things to happen in my life. I work and take care of my family. I suffer from social anxiety any time im not at work. I know. Crazy. God has absolutely been moving in my life. I have actively hated myself since I was 12 years old, tried to kill myself multiple times as a teenager. One day, while in the hospital, I was yelling at God, why wouldn't He let me die? He said thats right. Im not going to let you die.
So I stopped trying. But kept hating. 15 years ago, He said to me what He wants me to work on is loving myself. About a year ago, I began to put significant effort into trying to change how I feel about myself. I no longer hate me, which you have no idea how unbelievably amazing that is, but I am no where near able to love myself yet. I know its lie from Satan, yet its embedded in me. I need joy, peace, hope, and wisdom. I don't know whether to try to make things work with my ex, because according to the worlds standards, the things he did were unforgivable. He is not technically my husband, but God and I came to an understanding when my ex and I moved in together. My ex is my husband. Ive of course asked God for wisdom and what to do, and God says look to Him to the exclusion of all things else and love as He loves. But that's what God says every time my ex breaks it off and leaves. God told me ten years ago no matter how many times my ex leaves, that he will always come home. I don't know that I want him to come home. I feel crazy and like I cant trust myself. Which God responds by saying this is exactly why I need to love me, so that I can trust me, so that I can hear God more clearly. Did I mention I feel crazy?
So I stopped trying. But kept hating. 15 years ago, He said to me what He wants me to work on is loving myself. About a year ago, I began to put significant effort into trying to change how I feel about myself. I no longer hate me, which you have no idea how unbelievably amazing that is, but I am no where near able to love myself yet. I know its lie from Satan, yet its embedded in me. I need joy, peace, hope, and wisdom. I don't know whether to try to make things work with my ex, because according to the worlds standards, the things he did were unforgivable. He is not technically my husband, but God and I came to an understanding when my ex and I moved in together. My ex is my husband. Ive of course asked God for wisdom and what to do, and God says look to Him to the exclusion of all things else and love as He loves. But that's what God says every time my ex breaks it off and leaves. God told me ten years ago no matter how many times my ex leaves, that he will always come home. I don't know that I want him to come home. I feel crazy and like I cant trust myself. Which God responds by saying this is exactly why I need to love me, so that I can trust me, so that I can hear God more clearly. Did I mention I feel crazy?
