Jonathan B.
Humble Prayer Partner
I have loved God and lived like He desires all of my life. I have accepted Christ and followed His call the best that I possibly can. I had an abusive father growing up and when he wasn't making me feel small and like I'll never be a man he was absent from any relationship. He is pious an self righteous and still to this day has everyone around him thinking that he is the model christian and has even been asked to serve as a deacon on several occasions. I was bullied all through school, small for my age, quiet soft spoken and trying to do the right things, with a learning disability in math, and over 2 years behind developmentally. The church we went to up until the end of my sophomore year in high school was worse than school... Ever since I was a child all I asked God for was one friend who really would accept me, be loyal to me, and spend time with me (Jesus with skin on...). I dreamed of being married and having my own family and about serving God in some sort of ministry. He even promised me 5 times over the years in visions and speaking straight to my heart (in two way conversation) that He would give me a wife, a ministry for the two of us, and a family. Yet, I'm 38 and what little I've had has all been destroyed. My mom is the only family that I have left, I still have no friends because they spend time with their families and married friends and leave me out. Everything else around me has crumbled too... I'm terribly affectionate and need that and quality time desperately. Yet, God has isolated me and made me more and more alone over the years. I love Him with all that I am, I'm nothing without Him, and I'm totally surrendered to Him. I ask Him what I need to do, where I need to go, etc. I ask Him what I've done wrong so that I can repent, and yet I get nothing...
Today is my birthday, I'm all alone... I don't feel like God loves me and Heaven seems like an even colder place since the things that I've dreamed of and hoped in won't exist there. My mom feels all alone too and at 69 she's starting to have health problems. She's taking our dog who has loved us and been with us all through our lives falling down around us to see if he has cancer today. There is nothing good in my life. I don't care about money, fame, or stuff. I just want someone to wrap my arms around to hold and love and spend quality time with. I just want to know the fulfillment of serving God in the way that He created me to. I just want to know the love of God that everyone around me talks about. I see His rich blessings, freely given gifts for those around me but I feel totally and completely neglected and shoved aside. I don't know what I've done wrong or what He wants from me!!! I feel so hopeless!!!
Today is my birthday, I'm all alone... I don't feel like God loves me and Heaven seems like an even colder place since the things that I've dreamed of and hoped in won't exist there. My mom feels all alone too and at 69 she's starting to have health problems. She's taking our dog who has loved us and been with us all through our lives falling down around us to see if he has cancer today. There is nothing good in my life. I don't care about money, fame, or stuff. I just want someone to wrap my arms around to hold and love and spend quality time with. I just want to know the fulfillment of serving God in the way that He created me to. I just want to know the love of God that everyone around me talks about. I see His rich blessings, freely given gifts for those around me but I feel totally and completely neglected and shoved aside. I don't know what I've done wrong or what He wants from me!!! I feel so hopeless!!!
