Hi all. Actually not only have I been reading and re-reading Job, I even have it on audio DVD and go to sleep listening to it (when I can sleep). Also Luke 13 where the owner of the vineyard tells the dresser to cut down the tree, but the dresser says he is going to dig around it and dung it so it has a chance of bearing fruit. Dig around it and dung it. Well, sure enough, everything around me is all torn up. And I am surrounded by what could easily be called dung. Also the first part of that parable. The owner of the vineyard planted a fig tree. Wait a minute...what's a fig tree doing in a vineyard? Grapes grow in vineyards. Fig trees grow in groves, orchards, or forests. So if one is feeling like the lone ranger, like I am now, it may just be 'cause that's where God planted us (me). And He is wanting to see fruit. Well, my branches are withered and I have been having a very difficult time in even wanting to try to take another step.
Health battles are draining. Blood pressure has been insanely high around ### over ###. The last nurse (when I had money to go to a doctor) who took it tried three different cuffs thinking they were defective. When I told her that that was pretty much my normal, she asked how I was even alive or able to function. They put me on massive doses of multiple heavy duty blood pressure medicines. The BP numbers came down significantly. Then... after much side effects misery, it was discovered that in many patients, these blood pressure medicines destroy the digestive tract & hence the immune system. Now some of my organs are failing & I have been suffering massive gout-like attacks. Not just in feet, but elbows, shoulder, knees. I've had a string of those TIA mini strokes. Which makes some days very difficult to try to concentrate or function. Just trying to think straight is a massive chore. My business, which has been my living for the last 15 years, is under attack – I discovered that vendors, suppliers, and some customers have been trying to sabotage it - costing thousands of dollars in losses. I have no biological family left. Friends have become very scattered around the US. Loneliness, brokenness, sickness and poverty combined are a very gnawing thing for sure.
Throughout most of my adult life since becoming a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I've heard God's voice - even felt His leading. And no matter what was going on around me, I still knew that I knew that God "had my back." For the last couple of months - silence. I have cried out to Him - silence. I have fasted til I almost died - silence. (Yes, I know, bad decision & not being a good steward of my body - I dropped ### pounds, but I really wasn't overweight to start with.) I am totally at a loss as to what to do. I can't seem to see any redeeming purpose for me to be here. I don't see God moving or using me for anything. My witness for Him is severely diminished - when a business owner can't pay his bills, no one wants to hear about God from a person with such troubles. With my health battles, I can't really be a witness that He is my healer. And wondering if He is so displeased with me that He has abandoned me, leave no real room to be a witness really.
And things have been coming up these last few weeks that looked like deliverance was at hand. Only for those things to be pulled back like a tease or torture tactic. Example: this one company was going to place a huge, huge, HUGE, order with my company. An order that would solve most of the financial battles I’m in. After a few days of putting it all together for them, they backed out – deciding not to do their project at all. So not only was that not a solution, I wasted a lot of time chasing after nothing. Tease & torture. The mortgage company just cut a great deal for me to save my house. But sales have not returned to sufficiency to pay what they ask. More tease & torture. I have plenty of equity in my house to pay all my current financial problems, but because I was so sick for a couple of months and missed to mortgage payments, no one will let me access that equity. I tried dozens of banks & other loan companies. I even thought about going back into the workforce & work for someone else for a while. With these health issues, and now financial issues, and at my age, no one will even give me a serious interview.
Every, I mean EVERY time I can get some sleep, which usually only comes in 2 or 3 hours naps really, I have these massively detailed and draining dreams that are more like nightmares. Always trapped in a situation where someone set me up. Or trapped back in an old job from years ago. or even trapped back in school decades ago. I find myself in the dreams, when I think something like, "wait a minute, I already graduated." Or “I left this job a long time ago,” I snap awake. Then I am awake and cannot get back to sleep. More tease & torture. I have no idea what all that means. I've been crying out to God that if there is some message in all that, I'm not getting it, help me. silence. Throughout these dreams, and many many times throughout the days, I have this overwhelming feeling that all I need to do is draw down some money from such-n-such account and pay bills. But I have no such-n-such account, All my money is tapped & gone. And again, I ask God to show me what I am missing. silence.
I am a tither and offering giver – no question on that. I’ve heard it said that we cannot outgive God. I admit, lately I’ve been reminding God of that thought. And so Malachi promises should be kicking in. but. silence. And this torturous stuff has been going on for over a year. Throughout 2015, I worked 80-100 hours a week to expand business as much as I knew how to do. It wore me out putting in that much work and stress. I’ve even asked God to help me in my unbelief & fill up my lack of faith – silence. I have no faith left. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely KNOW God CAN do such miraculous things that He could fix every problem I face in a moment. But… silence…
I have even been meditating on the loaves & fishes. How that little, when blessed can cover a lot. Amazing though how the mortgage company, suppliers, utility companies, etc. just don’t see it that way. And from God on this subject… silence…
I fully and completely agree with the Psalmist when he wrote “God take not thy Holy Spirit from me!” but silence remains.
I can quote every Scripture that mentions promises, encouragement, healing, peace, grace, etc., And I fully understand “logos” versus “rhema.” But through it all, like Job, the end of the book hasn’t showed up. For God showed up at Job’s place and said “come on Job, let’s go get all your stuff back and more.” (obvious paraphrase). Here… silence. The welcome mat is out, but God ain’t knocking. silence.
And everybody has their opinions of what is going on. From “this is a mighty test just before a great victory,” to “I must be sinning & that is what has caused all this,” to “it is indeed a Job experience” and more. All that is well & good. But what I need is to hear from God what is going on. Silence Just like the people around Job, each telling their opinion of what is going on, why it is going on, and how I should proceed to get out of it all. People’s idea may be helpful, but what I need is a word fro God.
It looks like God is too busy to show up here. If the telling of my suffering can, in some way, mean something to others – so be it. That is why I’m posting updates.
This much I declare to all heaven, earth, and beneath: Yet though He slay me, I will not turn to other gods, I will not blame the Lord for these things, I will continue to do my best to trust and serve Him. Sure, He is allowing all of it for some purpose. But I will not use these things as some excuse to turn my back on Him. The best I may be able to come up with in this world is filthy rags, but I won’t further degrade the rags to anything less than they already are. If I go down, I go down with these words – the Lord is God and there is none like Him. He created all the heavens and the earth. He causes the sun to rise and the butterfly to show its brilliant colors. Who am I to question Him? I’m little more than dirt that breathes. It is He who reigns over all, causes the seas to roll, the grass to sprout and wither as seasons dictate. If it is my time to whither, I am more than ok with that. Though I would like very much to see that my work while here has been pleasing to Him and has had purpose.
I’ve had the dream to build a Bible research center. A place where folks, particularly those in ministry, could come to and do serious Bible study. Have you priced theology books lately? Not many Sunday School teachers can afford such resources. I’ve gathered some ### books and artifacts to that goal. It is all stacked up here in my house. If I died tonight – where would it all go. I am asking God to show me how & where I can get it all set up and then I can leave in peace. But no answer comes, only more silence. I am drained. All that is why I give up. Each time I lay down hoping that sleep will come, I ask God to let me come on home. And guess what… more silence.
