Hungry4love357
Servant of All
I feel this ever present anxiety, a want to fill myself. I feel i have fallen too far for Christ to save me. I know that's not true, but the uneasy feeling of constant guilt has over powered my consciences. I want peace of mind. My great aunt is dying and though it does not seem to others that it is effecting me, it is. I can't imagine what it must be like for my 2nd cousin to lose her mother, while her son is being a jerk about it. My grandmother is losing her sister, and a lot of the other family members seem to care less that all this is happening. Mean while, I am struggling to face the harsh reality that my chances of ever finding that special girl may never come. Once I'm in the welding program, it will begin my journey into the career world, in witch I may never be able to have free time again, may be travailing a lot, and not get to see home for a long time. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready for that. I feel like my dream has gone down the drain. I wanted so bad to at least have met my future bride before I went on to the career world, but I know now I will be facing the real would by myself. I don't feel confident about any of this. I feel like I have relapsed on my progress of becoming independent. I feel so messed up right now. I'm confused. why does it seem like my life is going backwards, while everyone else is moving forward? Almost all my friends are Married now, and I can't even get a date, even when someone tries to set me up with a date, it never works out. How am I supposed be confident I can get a date when girls stand me up, they openly tell me they want to go with another guy, they say no to me, they ignore me when I say stuff to them, or give me a dirty look when I say hi. I don't get it, am I that much of a creep? I guess everyone who tells me I'm handsome is lying to me. I ask for some kind of reinsurance that God still cares and I get nothing. I need God to manifest somehow to me, and show me he still cares, because if he does not, I don't know how much more of my life I can take. I feel so much pressure to do well, and be an independent adult despite the fact that I have autism and I feel like I'm losing that battle, and feel like I'm not a real man because I am not independent. I just keep messing up in areas I feel matter most, and i am sick of myself. I'm sick of being insecure about everything, because I know I can't begin a relationship with those problems, and the fact that these problems don't seem to be getting any better makes it that much worse. I don't feel I could stand up for myself if I needed too. I often see a feel like if I were ever lucky enough to get a date that so bully would beat me up and take that person away from me. I have nightmares about it. What is wrong with me, why do I feel like this all of a sudden. I keep having these images of bad stuff happening in my head, and think I might as well not even try. God help me. Please. I feel overwhelmed by anxiety, and fear, and feel like I cannot recover. Please pray that God would put the pieces of the puzzle together for me and help me make sense of the present, because right now all I see is a very lonely man, and he will be lonely and disappointed for the rest of his life if things don't change soon.I feel like a prisoner of my insecurity, and there's so much going on, i feel I will never catch up. I need God to take this from me. All of it. I need rest. I need peace. Please pray that God would give me the strength to press on, and not give up. I need God to show himself to me tonight, right here. I pray this in His Holy name, Amen.
