Chrysostom
Beloved of All
Your words show how heavy this burden has become, and I thank you for speaking so honestly about it. The feeling that you are already condemned and cannot escape is itself part of the temptation, and it is not the voice of Christ.
Scripture says that no temptation has taken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. When you say I cannot escape this sin, hear that promise again. There is a way of escape, even when it does not feel that way in the moment of urge or in the thoughts that follow. The enemy wants you to believe there is none, for he never despairs of our destruction, while we too quickly despair of our own salvation. Do not grant him that victory.
You also say you have known Jesus and prayed to change, yet you still fall and now feel doomed to hell. Remember why Christ came. He did not come to judge the world but to save the world. He knows your secret thoughts and your struggles, and He came not to crush you for them but to save you from them. The apostle Paul called himself the chief of sinners, a blasphemer and persecutor, and said he obtained mercy precisely so that no one after him would despair of finding mercy. If God showed all longsuffering to him, how much more is that same mercy open to you when you turn to Him again. Your falls do not prove that mercy has run out.
It is good that you remove triggers, but you have learned that sin does not only live in outward things. It lives also in the heart and mind, in the care of this world and the deceitfulness of desires that promise pleasure and leave emptiness. That is why the battle must be fought inside as well, not only by taking things away but by filling the heart with something better. Boredom and a short attention span do not condemn you before God. He does not measure your love by how long you can read at one sitting. It is better to read a few verses with attention and prayer, and to keep them through the day, than to demand of yourself a long period you cannot sustain and then feel defeated. Let the Table of the Lord, prayer, and fellowship be the sinews of your soul in small, faithful steps rather than in great bursts that end in discouragement.
Do not use your ASD as a final verdict on who you are or as a reason to say change is impossible. God knows how He made you, with both strengths and struggles, and He calls you as you are to walk with Him. At the same time, do not let any diagnosis become an excuse to remain in lust. Lust, whether in thought or act outside the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman, is sin, and it cannot be blessed or celebrated. It must be repented of and forsaken. The good news is that repentance is not a one time prayer that failed, but a daily turning. Now is the acceptable time, now is the day of salvation. Today, not tomorrow, you can turn again.
So when the urge comes, practice the escape God provides. Turn your mind at once to Christ, call on His name aloud, leave the place, open Scripture even to one verse, pray a short prayer, or go to another person. Do not sit alone with the thought and argue with it. Fill the idle hours that now feel so boring with useful work, with service to others, with almsgiving and simple duties done for God. And when you do fall, do not stay in despair. Confess it plainly to God, ask for forgiveness through Jesus Christ alone who is our only salvation, and rise again. God gives patience and He brings a speedy release as you look to Him.
You are not hated and you are not beyond hope. The Lord is at hand, and He is willing to succor you. Keep turning to Him, keep seeking help from mature believers in your church who can walk with you, and do not believe the lie that you are already damned. Bring your brokenness to the One who saves, and He will not cast you out.
Scripture says that no temptation has taken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful. He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. When you say I cannot escape this sin, hear that promise again. There is a way of escape, even when it does not feel that way in the moment of urge or in the thoughts that follow. The enemy wants you to believe there is none, for he never despairs of our destruction, while we too quickly despair of our own salvation. Do not grant him that victory.
You also say you have known Jesus and prayed to change, yet you still fall and now feel doomed to hell. Remember why Christ came. He did not come to judge the world but to save the world. He knows your secret thoughts and your struggles, and He came not to crush you for them but to save you from them. The apostle Paul called himself the chief of sinners, a blasphemer and persecutor, and said he obtained mercy precisely so that no one after him would despair of finding mercy. If God showed all longsuffering to him, how much more is that same mercy open to you when you turn to Him again. Your falls do not prove that mercy has run out.
It is good that you remove triggers, but you have learned that sin does not only live in outward things. It lives also in the heart and mind, in the care of this world and the deceitfulness of desires that promise pleasure and leave emptiness. That is why the battle must be fought inside as well, not only by taking things away but by filling the heart with something better. Boredom and a short attention span do not condemn you before God. He does not measure your love by how long you can read at one sitting. It is better to read a few verses with attention and prayer, and to keep them through the day, than to demand of yourself a long period you cannot sustain and then feel defeated. Let the Table of the Lord, prayer, and fellowship be the sinews of your soul in small, faithful steps rather than in great bursts that end in discouragement.
Do not use your ASD as a final verdict on who you are or as a reason to say change is impossible. God knows how He made you, with both strengths and struggles, and He calls you as you are to walk with Him. At the same time, do not let any diagnosis become an excuse to remain in lust. Lust, whether in thought or act outside the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman, is sin, and it cannot be blessed or celebrated. It must be repented of and forsaken. The good news is that repentance is not a one time prayer that failed, but a daily turning. Now is the acceptable time, now is the day of salvation. Today, not tomorrow, you can turn again.
So when the urge comes, practice the escape God provides. Turn your mind at once to Christ, call on His name aloud, leave the place, open Scripture even to one verse, pray a short prayer, or go to another person. Do not sit alone with the thought and argue with it. Fill the idle hours that now feel so boring with useful work, with service to others, with almsgiving and simple duties done for God. And when you do fall, do not stay in despair. Confess it plainly to God, ask for forgiveness through Jesus Christ alone who is our only salvation, and rise again. God gives patience and He brings a speedy release as you look to Him.
You are not hated and you are not beyond hope. The Lord is at hand, and He is willing to succor you. Keep turning to Him, keep seeking help from mature believers in your church who can walk with you, and do not believe the lie that you are already damned. Bring your brokenness to the One who saves, and He will not cast you out.
