Jarik
Disciple of Prayer
Dear God,
... Am I ever going to change? I feel like every step I try to take in a godly direction is wrong. Either I have a wrong intent or a wrong motivation. Or maybe I'm overreacting and trying too hard?
I don't know. All I know is when I mess up I feel horrible. I feel unsaved if I sin. But if you admit that to someone they'll say, "You aren't fully trusting God to save you, so yes, you are going to hell."
How can I trust You better, Lord? Please tell me. Nobody ever taught me HOW to trust. They just told me TO trust. Is trust a feeling? Is it a continual state-of-mind I have to have? Are there steps to it?
I pray my heart out when I ask You to save me, Jesus. I WANT to be with You! I WILL obey You! I WANT to be godly and pure and live a life that pleases You. I don't want to be a "parking lot Christian," who puts on their Sunday best in church but the moment they step out into the parking lot all shred of Christianity is gone from them. I want to be a representative for Christ 24/7.
... But I feel every step I make is wrong. I don't feel pure, I don't feel holy. I still sin sometimes and because of that I feel like a wretch; a failure. I feel You expect more of me, and when I fail I feel like You fold your arms, turn Your back on me, stick Your nose up at me and ignore me.
... Hardly any of my prayers get answered. Find the right girlfriend or wife? Never has happened.
New friends? I've lost the little I had left.
Feel God's presence? I just feel like You want nothing to do with me. I don't think I've ever felt hugged or really loved by You. I'm just TOLD You love me. Nobody else loves me, I guess it's fitting You don't care much for me either.
All I want is to be a great Christian with the right motivations and the right heart; a heart that is changed and sculpted by God's own hands. I want to be a tree that stands tall and bears good spiritual fruit. I want to know God is proud and pleased with the life I'm living.
But no matter how hard I try to fight and change, I still have trust issues and I still sin. And I feel like God sees me more as an exasperating nuisance He wishes would go away since I have difficulty changing than a child He actually shows love to. I just want God to love me, and I want to love Him with a natural, real, authentic love; not pretend love. I want a relationship with Him that is strong and deeply rooted.
I pray every day. I read my Bible ALMOST every day (as a college student classes can really, unfortunately, get in the way of what actually matters)... but I still feel distant from God. And I don't want to miss the rapture or miss being with Jesus all because of trust issues.
I wish God would answer my prayers. But more importantly than that, I just want God involved in and changing my life. I don't want to feel like I'm just a failure and annoyance in His eyes. I want His grace and love. I want to be somebody He can use for Kingdom Work! But unless I get past my misconceptions and false ideas I feel He'll never use me. Or even want me in His life no matter how much I want Him in mine.
I guess what I'm praying for is... I'm a mess, and I feel like God doesn't want me around. I feel like a mess He wants nothing to do with. But He's my only chance and hope of being changed, fixed, and healed.
I don't know what to really pray for. I need help. I need fixing. I need God... but no matter how hard I look and seek Him, He won't reach out and change and help me.
I feel hopeless. I want to be saved, but even though I know and believe Jesus died and rose bodily, and I can see prophecy happening before my eyes meaning the Bible is true and that means Jesus IS Lord and Messiah... I feel like Jesus doesn't want to save me.
I don't know what to do anymore. Prayers would be appreciated. But I know I'll get a scathing reply telling me everything WRONG with me without being in my shoes.
You try dealing with a giant desire to live a godly life and please God but it feels like no matter how many times you call Him, you get a voice mail He never checks...
... Am I ever going to change? I feel like every step I try to take in a godly direction is wrong. Either I have a wrong intent or a wrong motivation. Or maybe I'm overreacting and trying too hard?
I don't know. All I know is when I mess up I feel horrible. I feel unsaved if I sin. But if you admit that to someone they'll say, "You aren't fully trusting God to save you, so yes, you are going to hell."
How can I trust You better, Lord? Please tell me. Nobody ever taught me HOW to trust. They just told me TO trust. Is trust a feeling? Is it a continual state-of-mind I have to have? Are there steps to it?
I pray my heart out when I ask You to save me, Jesus. I WANT to be with You! I WILL obey You! I WANT to be godly and pure and live a life that pleases You. I don't want to be a "parking lot Christian," who puts on their Sunday best in church but the moment they step out into the parking lot all shred of Christianity is gone from them. I want to be a representative for Christ 24/7.
... But I feel every step I make is wrong. I don't feel pure, I don't feel holy. I still sin sometimes and because of that I feel like a wretch; a failure. I feel You expect more of me, and when I fail I feel like You fold your arms, turn Your back on me, stick Your nose up at me and ignore me.
... Hardly any of my prayers get answered. Find the right girlfriend or wife? Never has happened.
New friends? I've lost the little I had left.
Feel God's presence? I just feel like You want nothing to do with me. I don't think I've ever felt hugged or really loved by You. I'm just TOLD You love me. Nobody else loves me, I guess it's fitting You don't care much for me either.
All I want is to be a great Christian with the right motivations and the right heart; a heart that is changed and sculpted by God's own hands. I want to be a tree that stands tall and bears good spiritual fruit. I want to know God is proud and pleased with the life I'm living.
But no matter how hard I try to fight and change, I still have trust issues and I still sin. And I feel like God sees me more as an exasperating nuisance He wishes would go away since I have difficulty changing than a child He actually shows love to. I just want God to love me, and I want to love Him with a natural, real, authentic love; not pretend love. I want a relationship with Him that is strong and deeply rooted.
I pray every day. I read my Bible ALMOST every day (as a college student classes can really, unfortunately, get in the way of what actually matters)... but I still feel distant from God. And I don't want to miss the rapture or miss being with Jesus all because of trust issues.
I wish God would answer my prayers. But more importantly than that, I just want God involved in and changing my life. I don't want to feel like I'm just a failure and annoyance in His eyes. I want His grace and love. I want to be somebody He can use for Kingdom Work! But unless I get past my misconceptions and false ideas I feel He'll never use me. Or even want me in His life no matter how much I want Him in mine.
I guess what I'm praying for is... I'm a mess, and I feel like God doesn't want me around. I feel like a mess He wants nothing to do with. But He's my only chance and hope of being changed, fixed, and healed.
I don't know what to really pray for. I need help. I need fixing. I need God... but no matter how hard I look and seek Him, He won't reach out and change and help me.
I feel hopeless. I want to be saved, but even though I know and believe Jesus died and rose bodily, and I can see prophecy happening before my eyes meaning the Bible is true and that means Jesus IS Lord and Messiah... I feel like Jesus doesn't want to save me.
I don't know what to do anymore. Prayers would be appreciated. But I know I'll get a scathing reply telling me everything WRONG with me without being in my shoes.
You try dealing with a giant desire to live a godly life and please God but it feels like no matter how many times you call Him, you get a voice mail He never checks...
