I’m sorry you’re struggling, friend. While I’m pleased to learn that you’re trying to move on from a difficult past; given what you shared, I strongly believe that you need to first deal with the memories of your past hurts and fears before you establish any new relationship. If you haven’t already, I strongly suggest that you see a counselor who is experienced in helping those from abusive background. With this in mind, if you’re in the US, I believe if you call this number 855-382-5433, they can provide a free phone consultation with a licensed counselor. Sending you hugs and prayers. May God surround you with His loving presence and peace. Take care, okay?