dandan27
Account Closed
I am sorry this is rather long: I have been in mental and spiritual agony for days. A week ago on Sunday I received a message from my sister that my dear cousin was very sick in intensive care in hospital. She caught a bug and became very dehydrated, that she had had a blood transfusion and she was on dialysis. Her dad had been to see her. He thought she recognized him. The doctors gave her a 50/50 chance of surviving. the message ended with: Not good news, fingers crossed she'll get better.' this was a great shock and I could not really believe it.
I had been chatting with my cousin on facebk for 7 years and we used to have a written correspondenee when we kids in 1980s. In between she had got married, had a son, then split with husband. Despite several invites to visit her with her husband, and then her son and boyfriend, I have never been down, but I said I was praying for them, she once said I was her rock. In response to my sister's message I sent the following message: First I said 'Hi, thanks for letting me know'. Then later I am ashamed to say I wrote: 'Hi, Thanks for your message, sorry to hear about kate, I have looked at trains and could visit her on Monday or Tuesday if it helps, or hopefully if she recovers, I will visit when she back at home, best wishes,'. I am ashamed. It reads so cold and callous. On Monday there was a post on fcbk suggesting my cousin was speaking. I remember feeling such delight. I thought she was on the mend. Nevertheless I ought to have gone down. It was a 3 hour journey on train, but so what. I was worried about where I was going to stay for the night, but another part of me said 'trust God'. going felt the right thing to do, but I didn't go with the flow - this is the story of my life - stuck in an intellectual fog - I have since been told that she was not speaking.in hospital. I think I let a friend down and I think I have let others down too - I think it is because I am bearing a grudge. I think I am unworthy to be ranked amongst my cousins friends. I really feel that if I had got down there I may have helped. If not, then at least I would have tried my best. The bible says to be all things to all men. I feel like a doctor who didn't get to his patient. May God forgive me.
I am 50 but I have not really grown up, and "I had imagined my cousin would be there for years for me" - I put that sentence in inverted commas because I see now that I was being very selfish and not really appreciating her, and I feel that this may explain in part why she is now lost. It is such a huge loss for everyone. When we used to chat on fcbk she once said I made her brain hurt. I thought that was something to be proud about, but now I realise I should have apologized, I was talking too much about intellectual nonsense, and I missed cues to ask her about her health, her family, and by my behaviour I feel I have let my parents down, her dad down, everyone down, I could have done so much better, I feel in my heart of hearts that she is irreplaceable,
I had been chatting with my cousin on facebk for 7 years and we used to have a written correspondenee when we kids in 1980s. In between she had got married, had a son, then split with husband. Despite several invites to visit her with her husband, and then her son and boyfriend, I have never been down, but I said I was praying for them, she once said I was her rock. In response to my sister's message I sent the following message: First I said 'Hi, thanks for letting me know'. Then later I am ashamed to say I wrote: 'Hi, Thanks for your message, sorry to hear about kate, I have looked at trains and could visit her on Monday or Tuesday if it helps, or hopefully if she recovers, I will visit when she back at home, best wishes,'. I am ashamed. It reads so cold and callous. On Monday there was a post on fcbk suggesting my cousin was speaking. I remember feeling such delight. I thought she was on the mend. Nevertheless I ought to have gone down. It was a 3 hour journey on train, but so what. I was worried about where I was going to stay for the night, but another part of me said 'trust God'. going felt the right thing to do, but I didn't go with the flow - this is the story of my life - stuck in an intellectual fog - I have since been told that she was not speaking.in hospital. I think I let a friend down and I think I have let others down too - I think it is because I am bearing a grudge. I think I am unworthy to be ranked amongst my cousins friends. I really feel that if I had got down there I may have helped. If not, then at least I would have tried my best. The bible says to be all things to all men. I feel like a doctor who didn't get to his patient. May God forgive me.
I am 50 but I have not really grown up, and "I had imagined my cousin would be there for years for me" - I put that sentence in inverted commas because I see now that I was being very selfish and not really appreciating her, and I feel that this may explain in part why she is now lost. It is such a huge loss for everyone. When we used to chat on fcbk she once said I made her brain hurt. I thought that was something to be proud about, but now I realise I should have apologized, I was talking too much about intellectual nonsense, and I missed cues to ask her about her health, her family, and by my behaviour I feel I have let my parents down, her dad down, everyone down, I could have done so much better, I feel in my heart of hearts that she is irreplaceable,
