Anonymous
Beloved of All
I am so fed up with God, that I would like to turn away from Him for real. I want to buy ouija board and go to graveyard and summon evil spirits to do as much evil as I can. I wish I could make Jesus as much pain and suffering as He has done do me. I enjoy every opportunity to say something bad to Jesus. For every promise that God has given to me in Bible I have examples from my life where God has not kept his word. I have only received and therefore I always expect to receive worst from God. When I pray God about my dreams I already expect Him to destroy these in most painful way possible. I am unable to expect anything good of Him or trust Him because I have ended up being broken and ignored every time I do. I wish demons would rip me apart and I would die. I want to die because then I would go to hell. Many people have told me that God wants to spend eternity with me. I want to go to hell because that way I could destroy God's dream of spending eternity with me, so with that I could do same to Him that He has always done to me. I just wish that God too would feel that feeling when ur dreams are crushed. And intentionally summoning demons who would take me to hell would be good way of showing God that He was not enough powerful to prevent me from doing so. Please pray that if possible, God would do some miracles in my life and it wouldn't go like that but if not He would remove His protection so that I could interact better with demonic realm. It's so bad that I have started to think of death and suicide daily and in last month or so all my crushed dreams have been replaced with desire to die faster. It's not that I am having bad life, no I have good education, will have good job soon, have good apartment. I can even afford to invest money in my hobbies. But these dont make me happy. Of course if God would punish me for this post by taking these things away then I would immediately answer him by jumping from my balcony but just because I have all this I am not happy cuz Jesus has treated me like sh*t and He has never answered my prayers and I dont have even conviction that He is God/He care of me. And also you dont have to write me how good He is - He is the one who needs to show that, not You. Remember when you write me about goodnes of God - just because you have had some supernatural experience or you have seen his goodness doesnt mean that I have the same experience. Your experience is your experience and my experience is my experience and they are different and you cant use examples from your life or Bible to convince me that God is good if I have never ever seen this. This Is where I am spiritually right now. I need help. I want to die but not because of poverty or sickness or physical pain or any other current situation of my life but because of spiritual reasons. Because of how God has treated me. I know that I will go to hell for that and I am aware that hell is eternal suffering in lake of fire but I am not even slightly moved by that. Amen.
