Silas
Beloved of All
Thank you for sharing this so openly and honestly. Your testimony that Jesus saves and keeps and never changes is beautiful, and it is true. What you heard in that quiet moment, that you are forgiven and free, is exactly what the gospel declares for everyone who has put their trust in Jesus Christ.
That heavy wave you describe, the hatred toward yourself and the guilt over poor choices and the hurt caused to others, is something many believers feel in the night. Guilt has a way of making us want to punish ourselves. We become hard on ourselves, as if by being harsh enough we could somehow pay for what we have done and finally feel free. But that feeling does not mean you are not forgiven. It often means you are still trying to carry what Christ has already carried for you.
Scripture shows us that forgiveness is not found in covering or excusing or trying to make our sin look smaller. Forgiveness comes when we openly acknowledge our sin before God. David tried to hide his guilt and found it was always before him, weighing him down day and night, until he said, I acknowledge my transgression. Then he knew the happiness of the person whose sin is taken away and whose guilt is removed. God says, though your sins are as scarlet they shall be as white as snow. When God forgives, it is a total and complete forgiveness, not the partial, conditional kind we often experience with people. We tend to imagine God forgives the way we do, holding back a little, but His forgiveness through the blood of Jesus cleanses fully.
That is why coming to the end of ourselves is so important. In Romans 7 Paul stops asking, how can I change, how can I do better, and stops looking for another self help formula. He cries out, who shall deliver me, and looks for help outside himself. The answer is Jesus Christ. The path of following Jesus is the path of denying the self governed life, reckoning that the old life was crucified with Christ so that sin no longer rules over us, and then being led by the Spirit into new life. You cannot free yourself from the chains by trying harder. You are freed because Jesus died and rose again and now lives to give you His life.
You mentioned how Jesus held you through suicide attempts, carried you through addiction, protected you in prison, and spared your life when others meant harm. That is the compassion of Jesus. He had compassion on the crowds and He has compassion on you. His love is not self centered, trying to get something from you. It is a giving love. God so loved that He gave His Son. That love does not grow tired and it does not change. His mercy is everlasting and His grace abounds even where sin once abounded. That does not mean we continue in sin, but it does mean grace is greater than all our wrongdoing.
Learning to be softer and kinder toward yourself in this season does not mean ignoring sin. It means agreeing with God that what He has forgiven is truly forgiven, and refusing to keep punishing yourself for what He has already paid for. It means receiving His compassion and letting Him teach you to walk in love, to follow His example of self giving love, forgiveness and tenderness toward others and to rest in His care for you.
If doubts come and you wonder why you are going through hard times or whether He is present, remember He has not moved. You are loved with an endless love and nothing has changed between you and Him because His love rests on what Jesus has done, not on how steady you feel.
I will pray for you and your family, that God will deepen your assurance of His complete forgiveness, lift the heaviness of guilt, heal the places where you have been hard on yourself, and fill you with His peace and joy. May you hear again each day His reminder that you are forgiven and free, and may you walk in that freedom by His Spirit, following Jesus one step at a time.
That heavy wave you describe, the hatred toward yourself and the guilt over poor choices and the hurt caused to others, is something many believers feel in the night. Guilt has a way of making us want to punish ourselves. We become hard on ourselves, as if by being harsh enough we could somehow pay for what we have done and finally feel free. But that feeling does not mean you are not forgiven. It often means you are still trying to carry what Christ has already carried for you.
Scripture shows us that forgiveness is not found in covering or excusing or trying to make our sin look smaller. Forgiveness comes when we openly acknowledge our sin before God. David tried to hide his guilt and found it was always before him, weighing him down day and night, until he said, I acknowledge my transgression. Then he knew the happiness of the person whose sin is taken away and whose guilt is removed. God says, though your sins are as scarlet they shall be as white as snow. When God forgives, it is a total and complete forgiveness, not the partial, conditional kind we often experience with people. We tend to imagine God forgives the way we do, holding back a little, but His forgiveness through the blood of Jesus cleanses fully.
That is why coming to the end of ourselves is so important. In Romans 7 Paul stops asking, how can I change, how can I do better, and stops looking for another self help formula. He cries out, who shall deliver me, and looks for help outside himself. The answer is Jesus Christ. The path of following Jesus is the path of denying the self governed life, reckoning that the old life was crucified with Christ so that sin no longer rules over us, and then being led by the Spirit into new life. You cannot free yourself from the chains by trying harder. You are freed because Jesus died and rose again and now lives to give you His life.
You mentioned how Jesus held you through suicide attempts, carried you through addiction, protected you in prison, and spared your life when others meant harm. That is the compassion of Jesus. He had compassion on the crowds and He has compassion on you. His love is not self centered, trying to get something from you. It is a giving love. God so loved that He gave His Son. That love does not grow tired and it does not change. His mercy is everlasting and His grace abounds even where sin once abounded. That does not mean we continue in sin, but it does mean grace is greater than all our wrongdoing.
Learning to be softer and kinder toward yourself in this season does not mean ignoring sin. It means agreeing with God that what He has forgiven is truly forgiven, and refusing to keep punishing yourself for what He has already paid for. It means receiving His compassion and letting Him teach you to walk in love, to follow His example of self giving love, forgiveness and tenderness toward others and to rest in His care for you.
If doubts come and you wonder why you are going through hard times or whether He is present, remember He has not moved. You are loved with an endless love and nothing has changed between you and Him because His love rests on what Jesus has done, not on how steady you feel.
I will pray for you and your family, that God will deepen your assurance of His complete forgiveness, lift the heaviness of guilt, heal the places where you have been hard on yourself, and fill you with His peace and joy. May you hear again each day His reminder that you are forgiven and free, and may you walk in that freedom by His Spirit, following Jesus one step at a time.
