Shivani India
Disciple of Prayer
It’s been a pattern in my life whenever I got into a romantic relationship, I always ended up getting hurt and alone, destroying myself mentally, emotionally, physically.
In 2023, I went through one of the most traumatic incidents where one person came into my life, and we both shared all precious moments together, considering each other lovers even though we knew we had no future together. When I was attached to that person and in love, he decided to part ways when another lady entered into his life, and he married her.
I admit I was wrong to be with a person where I knew I had no future. I got so emotionally impacted by that incident that I lost my job, I lost my weight by 10kg in a very short period of time, I went through an anxiety attack, I lost my identity, I was deeply shaken, I had fights with my family, I decided to leave my family, and I moved to another city alone so I can build my life and career with focus.
In that moment, I made a promise to myself… I would never put myself in this situation ever again.
It took me more than 1.5 years to heal, on 15th June, 2025. Another person entered into my life, I was so sure I don’t want to get into any relationship… if I get, I would want a future with that person, but I also knew I can’t ask that person to marry me in such a short period of time. So I decided I would stay alone and focus on my life.
But I literally felt that maybe God has sent this person into my life so I deserve to give myself another chance. I took a leap of faith and I allowed that person to come into my life.
Honestly, we shared the best bond ever, that guy is gentle, loyal, generous, sweet, shows understanding & patience, respects me. We both felt a genuine connection, we felt peace. He brought so much joy in my life, I still believe he is a blessing from God. I have no regrets meeting him. He healed all the parts of me which didn’t break.
I thought I would do whatever it takes to love this person so that one day we would think about marriage.
In the month of September, there was his brother’s marriage, so he went home, and I felt his absence for 4 months and 16 days. I was so upset, why he didn’t meet me before going home, inform me, and asked about the updates of my life.
When he returned, I forgave & met him on 30th Jan. But I had so many questions, so next time I met him, I started asking questions, he said it was his brother’s marriage, and he had to take responsibility, so he was very busy, he is not a text person, he loves to live life in his own way, he loves independence, wherever he is, he focused on that only.
I was hoping that he would say I am sorry, I could have met you, messaged you.
And he was hoping that I would never ask him these questions as he is the same person, person who loved me & nothing was changed… it was just he was busy.
As I didn’t receive the response I wanted, I lost my control and in anger… I said so many things which I can’t take back.
By looking at my reaction, he decided to completely step back as he loves independence and minimal questioning, where I love closeness and communication.
I also got angry but I left one diary which I wrote for him where I expressed my feelings for him as my parents have started my arranged marriage process so I had to tell him that I love him & what’s his decision before it’s too late.
And then I left in anger because of whatever happened during the conversation about his presence and my never-ending questioning.
In that diary, I asked him for his decision about marrying me & I mentioned the date if it’s yes, reach out to me before 8th March & if it’s no then you don’t have to say anything.
He was already overwhelmed by my reaction during our conversation when I sent him a message on 8th March, are you okay… he blocked me, fortunately, I managed to make one phone call, we talked for so long & he said he doesn’t wanna be with me and he wants to stay alone.
But I didn’t give up, I wanted to know the real reason… when he blocked me on phone calls too, I went to his place without his permission so that at least I can end on a good note instead of blocking each other online in hurt and anger.
He was upset when he saw me, he said I told you it’s over so why did you come here.
I explained him, please let me talk to you and be with you one last time, from tomorrow onwards, I would let you go & respect your decision.
Early morning, I explained him my situation, I tried to convince him, I literally begged him to let me stay in his life and give me one more chance… Yes, I did that because I know what he has done in my life, how much joy and value he brought, he accepted me and loved me when I was completely broken & empty from inside. He literally gave birth to a new me.
I asked him whether he has read my diary and what’s his decision… he said you are too much involved in me. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t wanna get married in this period of my life.
When I asked… will you marry me, he said no. I also told him I love him, he said I don’t (even though I know he loved me).
I told him… that’s okay, if you don’t love me, you don’t wanna marry me, at least stay in my life as we have shared amazing moments together.
He said I have already made my decision, I don’t want you to contact me.
For me, it was really shocking not because he said no to a relationship, no to marriage but how come he forget all the precious moments in a second and tell me I don’t want you in my life anymore and I would stay alone.
I asked him, but why… is it because I have expressed my feelings for you, is it because I asked you for marriage or is it because very soon I can get married to someone else via arranged marriage due to pressure & you wanna protect your heart (which is understandable) or is it because of our last time fight about me asking you questions & reacting in a very intense way.
He said… I have made a decision to part our ways for only one reason and that reason is how you behaved. He said I am a very simple person, I love to live my life in my own way. I was genuinely busy in my brother’s wedding when it was over, I talked to you, I met you, and I also thought you would be busy in your life. I don’t like when someone asks me these many questions & I didn’t like your behavior. You could have dealt with this situation calmly… it’s not about the diary or marriage.
First of all, I am shaken, I am completely shattered.
I would have never thought he would end this bond as I know him. He didn’t give up on me even though we had some disagreements before. He easily forgives. We enjoy each other’s company. We have always been there for each other. We showed so much understanding, respect, acceptance, & pure intentions.
While returning, he was asking me to leave even though I was trying to say last words from my heart, knowing this can be my last time seeing him on this planet earth.
He didn’t come to drop me off, he told me not to contact him. Even though I was crying, he was showing compassion, but he said, his decision was firm.
I am still blocked everywhere.
It’s really really shocking, first of all, he is not like that. I know him so was it enemy’s attack, spiritual attack to separate us?
Second, this happened in such a short period of time, I am in complete shock and unable to process what just happened!
Because the way our bond was growing, I was sure one day we would marry each other…
But forget about marriage, relationship… the way I behaved, he doesn’t even want to keep contact with me. I admit, I lost my control and got angry to the next level as I don’t like absence & lack of communication (and he prefers independence & less emotional accountability)!
Why Lord, why! Why me… why this happens every time, why you can’t bring someone who would love me, wanna be with me & build a future with me?
Why this happens every time when I get into a relationship
Now if he doesn’t have a problem with the diary, knowing I have feelings for him… (and I was sure he would have chosen me in the upcoming time), he said he doesn’t want me in his life because of the way I behaved.
So if the only problem is my behavior in that particular incident, how come he couldn’t recall all the positive things I made happen through my presence which he always appreciated. How come he can only focus on that one thing & decide to part ways!
I still believe he loves me, it’s just he is not feeling ready for a relationship, but I am sure if we stay together, he would express his feelings for me as I know him and his heart.
But now it looks like, how is it possible?
I ask you all from the bottom of my heart to let him see me through Lord’s eyes.
Let him forgive me, reach out to me, talk to me, and God restore our bond.
If he was a wrong person for me, I would have known in the beginning.
I know him, we have been together for so long, I know his heart, it wasn’t him, I felt like it was enemy’s attack or spiritual warfare & plan to separate us.
I love him and I know he also loves me. Every time anything happens, he is the first one to forgive, he shows so much patience. I love the way he treats me (last treatment was unexpected but I can understand he was deeply hurt).
Prayer to deliver me from rejection, turn this rejection into testimony. Restore our bond. He has all the qualities which I always wanted in my life partner, yes, we all are human beings so some differences would be there and that’s okay…
Even though we went through some ups and downs, God always brought us together.
I even remember I prayed to Lord to remove him from my life if he is not sent from You, Lord, but then God brought him back. It happened many times.
I have less time as my parents want me to get married without any delay.
So please pray for me and ### to bring us back together & turn this rejection into testimony of proposal.
I know I realized my mistake, I am a kind of person who wants instant answers, communication, presence… when I didn’t receive, I freaked out and just got mad at him in an intense way.
And he is the kind of person who loves space, he loves less emotional accountability & short convo instead of dragging.
When I came up with many questions & lost my temper, he felt overwhelmed so instead of moving toward me, I pushed him further away.
It happened because I was also hurt by his absence, I missed him so much when he was at home for his brother’s wedding.
So I was looking for answers and he was looking for understanding instead of too much explanation.
Then I sent him so many messages, I wrote a diary, I expressed my feelings, I called him, I even reached out to his place which made him feel loss of his freedom & he felt so overwhelmed so he went into escape mode and didn’t want to deal with that emotional pressure so he decided to stay distant.
I understood the root and cause but now I wanna ask Lord to let us forgive each other and bring us together.
In 2023, I went through one of the most traumatic incidents where one person came into my life, and we both shared all precious moments together, considering each other lovers even though we knew we had no future together. When I was attached to that person and in love, he decided to part ways when another lady entered into his life, and he married her.
I admit I was wrong to be with a person where I knew I had no future. I got so emotionally impacted by that incident that I lost my job, I lost my weight by 10kg in a very short period of time, I went through an anxiety attack, I lost my identity, I was deeply shaken, I had fights with my family, I decided to leave my family, and I moved to another city alone so I can build my life and career with focus.
In that moment, I made a promise to myself… I would never put myself in this situation ever again.
It took me more than 1.5 years to heal, on 15th June, 2025. Another person entered into my life, I was so sure I don’t want to get into any relationship… if I get, I would want a future with that person, but I also knew I can’t ask that person to marry me in such a short period of time. So I decided I would stay alone and focus on my life.
But I literally felt that maybe God has sent this person into my life so I deserve to give myself another chance. I took a leap of faith and I allowed that person to come into my life.
Honestly, we shared the best bond ever, that guy is gentle, loyal, generous, sweet, shows understanding & patience, respects me. We both felt a genuine connection, we felt peace. He brought so much joy in my life, I still believe he is a blessing from God. I have no regrets meeting him. He healed all the parts of me which didn’t break.
I thought I would do whatever it takes to love this person so that one day we would think about marriage.
In the month of September, there was his brother’s marriage, so he went home, and I felt his absence for 4 months and 16 days. I was so upset, why he didn’t meet me before going home, inform me, and asked about the updates of my life.
When he returned, I forgave & met him on 30th Jan. But I had so many questions, so next time I met him, I started asking questions, he said it was his brother’s marriage, and he had to take responsibility, so he was very busy, he is not a text person, he loves to live life in his own way, he loves independence, wherever he is, he focused on that only.
I was hoping that he would say I am sorry, I could have met you, messaged you.
And he was hoping that I would never ask him these questions as he is the same person, person who loved me & nothing was changed… it was just he was busy.
As I didn’t receive the response I wanted, I lost my control and in anger… I said so many things which I can’t take back.
By looking at my reaction, he decided to completely step back as he loves independence and minimal questioning, where I love closeness and communication.
I also got angry but I left one diary which I wrote for him where I expressed my feelings for him as my parents have started my arranged marriage process so I had to tell him that I love him & what’s his decision before it’s too late.
And then I left in anger because of whatever happened during the conversation about his presence and my never-ending questioning.
In that diary, I asked him for his decision about marrying me & I mentioned the date if it’s yes, reach out to me before 8th March & if it’s no then you don’t have to say anything.
He was already overwhelmed by my reaction during our conversation when I sent him a message on 8th March, are you okay… he blocked me, fortunately, I managed to make one phone call, we talked for so long & he said he doesn’t wanna be with me and he wants to stay alone.
But I didn’t give up, I wanted to know the real reason… when he blocked me on phone calls too, I went to his place without his permission so that at least I can end on a good note instead of blocking each other online in hurt and anger.
He was upset when he saw me, he said I told you it’s over so why did you come here.
I explained him, please let me talk to you and be with you one last time, from tomorrow onwards, I would let you go & respect your decision.
Early morning, I explained him my situation, I tried to convince him, I literally begged him to let me stay in his life and give me one more chance… Yes, I did that because I know what he has done in my life, how much joy and value he brought, he accepted me and loved me when I was completely broken & empty from inside. He literally gave birth to a new me.
I asked him whether he has read my diary and what’s his decision… he said you are too much involved in me. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t wanna get married in this period of my life.
When I asked… will you marry me, he said no. I also told him I love him, he said I don’t (even though I know he loved me).
I told him… that’s okay, if you don’t love me, you don’t wanna marry me, at least stay in my life as we have shared amazing moments together.
He said I have already made my decision, I don’t want you to contact me.
For me, it was really shocking not because he said no to a relationship, no to marriage but how come he forget all the precious moments in a second and tell me I don’t want you in my life anymore and I would stay alone.
I asked him, but why… is it because I have expressed my feelings for you, is it because I asked you for marriage or is it because very soon I can get married to someone else via arranged marriage due to pressure & you wanna protect your heart (which is understandable) or is it because of our last time fight about me asking you questions & reacting in a very intense way.
He said… I have made a decision to part our ways for only one reason and that reason is how you behaved. He said I am a very simple person, I love to live my life in my own way. I was genuinely busy in my brother’s wedding when it was over, I talked to you, I met you, and I also thought you would be busy in your life. I don’t like when someone asks me these many questions & I didn’t like your behavior. You could have dealt with this situation calmly… it’s not about the diary or marriage.
First of all, I am shaken, I am completely shattered.
I would have never thought he would end this bond as I know him. He didn’t give up on me even though we had some disagreements before. He easily forgives. We enjoy each other’s company. We have always been there for each other. We showed so much understanding, respect, acceptance, & pure intentions.
While returning, he was asking me to leave even though I was trying to say last words from my heart, knowing this can be my last time seeing him on this planet earth.
He didn’t come to drop me off, he told me not to contact him. Even though I was crying, he was showing compassion, but he said, his decision was firm.
I am still blocked everywhere.
It’s really really shocking, first of all, he is not like that. I know him so was it enemy’s attack, spiritual attack to separate us?
Second, this happened in such a short period of time, I am in complete shock and unable to process what just happened!
Because the way our bond was growing, I was sure one day we would marry each other…
But forget about marriage, relationship… the way I behaved, he doesn’t even want to keep contact with me. I admit, I lost my control and got angry to the next level as I don’t like absence & lack of communication (and he prefers independence & less emotional accountability)!
Why Lord, why! Why me… why this happens every time, why you can’t bring someone who would love me, wanna be with me & build a future with me?
Why this happens every time when I get into a relationship
Now if he doesn’t have a problem with the diary, knowing I have feelings for him… (and I was sure he would have chosen me in the upcoming time), he said he doesn’t want me in his life because of the way I behaved.
So if the only problem is my behavior in that particular incident, how come he couldn’t recall all the positive things I made happen through my presence which he always appreciated. How come he can only focus on that one thing & decide to part ways!
I still believe he loves me, it’s just he is not feeling ready for a relationship, but I am sure if we stay together, he would express his feelings for me as I know him and his heart.
But now it looks like, how is it possible?
I ask you all from the bottom of my heart to let him see me through Lord’s eyes.
Let him forgive me, reach out to me, talk to me, and God restore our bond.
If he was a wrong person for me, I would have known in the beginning.
I know him, we have been together for so long, I know his heart, it wasn’t him, I felt like it was enemy’s attack or spiritual warfare & plan to separate us.
I love him and I know he also loves me. Every time anything happens, he is the first one to forgive, he shows so much patience. I love the way he treats me (last treatment was unexpected but I can understand he was deeply hurt).
Prayer to deliver me from rejection, turn this rejection into testimony. Restore our bond. He has all the qualities which I always wanted in my life partner, yes, we all are human beings so some differences would be there and that’s okay…
Even though we went through some ups and downs, God always brought us together.
I even remember I prayed to Lord to remove him from my life if he is not sent from You, Lord, but then God brought him back. It happened many times.
I have less time as my parents want me to get married without any delay.
So please pray for me and ### to bring us back together & turn this rejection into testimony of proposal.
I know I realized my mistake, I am a kind of person who wants instant answers, communication, presence… when I didn’t receive, I freaked out and just got mad at him in an intense way.
And he is the kind of person who loves space, he loves less emotional accountability & short convo instead of dragging.
When I came up with many questions & lost my temper, he felt overwhelmed so instead of moving toward me, I pushed him further away.
It happened because I was also hurt by his absence, I missed him so much when he was at home for his brother’s wedding.
So I was looking for answers and he was looking for understanding instead of too much explanation.
Then I sent him so many messages, I wrote a diary, I expressed my feelings, I called him, I even reached out to his place which made him feel loss of his freedom & he felt so overwhelmed so he went into escape mode and didn’t want to deal with that emotional pressure so he decided to stay distant.
I understood the root and cause but now I wanna ask Lord to let us forgive each other and bring us together.
