FaithIsComing
Beloved of All
I am ashamed at what I call failing God. I received discouraging news yesterday and I did not receive it well. I cannot trust what I believe in my heart anymore. For months I did not hear God... I was complaining about it and then I kept reading the Word and with a friend discovered that I my prayers were not aligned with the will of God. I started asking for God's will daily (in the morning and at night). I then started praying for my husband instead of about him. A few weeks into it I was quiet and heard God say (or I thought) that he said it was done. I asked what that meant and he said "soon." I thought it was the answer to my prayers. A few more weeks with me still seeing no changes I asked God to have him call me. A few days later (yesterday, he called both the home and cell). I thought yes, God answered my prayer. But when I later spoke to my husband, he said he was with someone else and was not coming home and that we both need to move on with our lives. I am devastated. I am hurt and ashamed. I have been a good wife. And I have been good to my family. I sit here all alone writing what could be my last prayer request. I know I have failed God because I cannot trust my spirit to know the will of God, even after asking daily for discernment and wisdom. I had hoped for a miracle and believed in his Word. But now I am not sure what to believe anymore. That is how I have failed God. I don't care and never had for material possessions, money, or prestige. I have loved my family and my husband through all of this. But love, real love doesn't seem to matter. I thought unconditional love is ever present, it takes no account of wrong or right, it takes no score of who loves who most. My family and my husband I suspect believe me to be strong because I have never really asked for anything from anyone. SO they feel they are not needed or that I don't sometimes need anyone. I am not sure if I am making sense. I had hoped for a lot for my future with my husband, but it is not going to happen. I have never felt so rejected and defeated. But I am. The enemy has stolen what was special to me and he is keeping him "joyously" content. I have been asking God why, when I have been praying for his soul and salvation; is happiness and removal from Satan's bondage. There is nothing else for me to pray about. Because I cannot discern God's will. I pray that God forgives me and has mercy on me. I have been going through this for years and I am tired. Because I have failed to trust him or believe in him yesterday, God will cannot help me. Maybe I am too distraught to see it now and that may be, but it too much. My husband is with someone else and I have been faithful to praying for him. I know that some will say that I have travelled this far, why stop now. Because it was my final battle. May God grant you all of the blessings to your prayers. ###.
