Hurting

(Just venting some frustrations and anxieties) Today It was like the devil was attacking me on all sides. The first thing that happened before the service. I was sitting in the church café with my friend enjoying a hot cup of coffee. I happened to look up and see this gorgeous red-head girl walk in with this guy who look like one of the cast on revenge of the nerds. I took my medicine so I don’t know why it struck a nerve with me, but all I could think was, “How could he have ended up with her?†I mean this girl had a good figure. The guy reminded me of the nerdy dude from Ghost Busters. Then a girl and guy who were in the singles group I used to go to, who are now engage came up and said hi, and wondered why I had not been in the class for the past 3 months. The I saw another girl who met a guy and got married to him, also originally from our singles group. It was like Satan was rubbing it my face. I’m jealous because anytime I asked a girl out from class she would reject me either directly or indirectly. The one girl I really like was a shy as I was and I could never get her to talk, and I really liked her, but it’s like she would close up anytime I talked to her. I could not understand, she was very pretty, why is she so shy? Anyhow, needless to say things did not work out. So I left, because I felt like an outcast. Back to the present I was not too bothered until it was time to go to worship, so I went in and I saw a boy who graduated a while back, and he had two girls with him, and bam, I was in a flash back to about a year ago, when I was at his graduation party. His grandmother made the statement, “Yeah he’s always surrounded by beautiful girls. He’s so charming and handsome.†Why this memory was replayed so vividly is a mystery, but it made me feel sick to my stomach. All I could think about was how I never could get a date. I was not always surrounded by pretty girls. It got worse because it sparked anger, I had to step outside. I sat in the lobby for a long time. I did not want to speak to God, I was angry at him. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. But just when I thought I was getting over it, it came back again. As we were eating lunch, another though occurred to me. I had not had a childhood friend growing up, not a female one anyway. The only girl I remember being close to we moved away from, and I have not seen her since then. I was like five so I don’t remember her that well. The boy who is my little sisters age and who lived across the street from us came to church with us today. He and my sister are best buds. I got to thinking, she’s so lucky. We aren’t going anywhere anytime soon so they will probably be best friends, and maybe be married someday. I got mad again and took it as another slap in the face. I have been waiting for God to bring me a female friend like that for almost ten years. She’s got one at age 8, and I’m 22 years old, and I have never had a friendship with the opposite sex like that. It’s like because I was born outside of the social bubble, and I’m in my own little bubble, I can’t seem to make and keep friends, especially with girls, so I feel like I’ve been cheated out of ever having a relationship like that. I feel like I got cheated out of a lot of things because I was socially awkward, and still am. So I prayed that I would meet a nice girl who understood, and was okay with me being socially awkward. To date, I have not met one girl who has not ran screaming in the other direction when they noticed how awkward I am. It hurts being so unaccepted. Even by people who are single and my age do this to me. It makes me angry. I just want a relationship, but I keep thinking, everyone else seems to know everyone else, and I’m just there, and no one ever tries to make it a point to become my friend. I have to go do it myself and, it hurts because I’m just another person to them. I’m not one of them I’m just an outsider. Tell how I’m supposed to build a relationship with a women if she’s already got it in mind that the boy she’s been friends with for over ten years now is her best friend, or boyfriend that automatically puts me in second third place, that’s assuming she’s a Christian and Christ is number one in her life. But It’s not fair. I feel like because I did not meet my girl years before like every other guy, I’m out of luck because everyone good has been taken. All I’m left with is the is the ones that nobody wanted to be with because they were too stuck up to put any effort into a relationship. It’s hopeless. It’s time for me to face reality. That guy was right, I will never get a girl to go out with me. He knew what he was talking about. He was right. I should have listened to him. I refused because I thought I knew better. I was wrong. No wife for me, no happy love story, not even a date.