Ellia Aung
Disciple of Prayer
Hi everyone, I humbly ask for your prayers. Please pray for me, I still feel lost, without a clear direction in my life. It has been, by far, the heaviest struggle of my life since I was a graduating high school student in 2004, I do not know what do I truly want for my life. Now it's 2019, and I am still faced with this same question. I know I am to blame for my indecisions, confusions, stagnation, this life of no direction because back then I had hated myself, I could not accept myself for who I am, I could not love the person I am seeing in the mirror, every day I had wished I was someone else, and because of that I neglected the reality that I am, I neglected to dream for myself, I neglected my own future. My life was dictated by my fear and a wanting that will never happened, to be someone else other than who I am. It was really hard, and still hard for me to decide what I want for my life. I had taken a course in college so just I could continue on studying. I graduated with a bachelor's degree but I did not pursue on finding a job, and say no to every opportunity of taking a job because I do not know if that was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I did not pursue on continuing a career path because I don't know what path I truly want to walk on. I was so lost and I was in this pit for almost six years, I wasted so much of my life. Then after those years, I finally said yes to the opportunity to work, I was a tutor for a year and then I worked as a cashier on my uncle’s store for almost a year. Then things gone sour with work, it became so toxic that I really wanted out ( I will not go into more details out of respect). I am grateful for the trust and the opportunity that my uncle/boss gave me and I have learned to love my work, and I didn’t want to leave without a valid reason. I wanted to exit gracefully so I decided to enroll in a postbaccalaureate program for teachers. I resigned from work and choose to study. It was a year and a half of study that I pursued. Then I took the licensure examination and I passed. After that I applied for a teaching position in our schools division office. We were scheduled to have a teaching demonstration and interview. But unexpected events happened and I chose not to attend. I was not prepared. Same old turmoil. Then I applied in a private school but was only hired as a substitute for two and a half months. After that I did not look for a job. (partly because I was kind of confident in our head of the school’s words that she will possibly hire me again for the second semester, but I didn’t get the call) This coming school year, I passed applications on schools, including the one I was previously hired as a substitute. The problem with me, my actions, my decisions are not fully based on my passion, my purpose, those were not made out of what I want for my life, those were not made out of love for my life. Those actions that I took, decisions that I made, came from great shame, guilt, and fear. I don’t want to be stuck again, I pursued this things just for me to have something to have that gives me the means to move. Just to have something to grab onto to prevent myself from falling into that pit again. And I pursued this things because of my parents. I should be helping them, I should be giving back had I not been like this. I failed them, big time. I disappointed them, countless times. Every time they were being asked about me, I know I put them in disgrace and humiliation. They should not be worrying about me and my future but they are. The last thing I want to be is to be a burden to them, but I am. My father is in his sixty’s, having health problems. My mother’s almost turning sixty, she also feels pain on parts of her, but she still chooses to be strong. I’m in my thirty’s and I still lived with my parents’ house and I am still financially dependent. My parents need my help and all those years I turned my back on them, I became blind and deaf to their needs and cries. I became so selfish. I feel so ashamed. That’s why I’m doing this, I wanted to help them, I wanted to help my family. I wanted to change my life, to live a meaningful live, a life with purpose but I don’t know, I have not found what I’ve been looking for all those years, and this is what I fear again. The same old turmoil. Decisions. Direction. Taking action. Please help me. Please pray for me. Please Lord lead me to your Will.
