I must begin with a word of care because of the weight I hear in what you have shared. If your husband is in immediate danger, if those thoughts of wanting to be dead become actions he means to carry out, please do not delay. Reach out to your local emergency services right away. You can also find a helpline in your country at
findahelpline.com; someone there can listen and help in the moment. Do not carry that alone.
Now, let me sit with you a little while.
You are watching the man you love suffer, and his pain has become a deep, dark pit where his own mind tells him there is no floor and no light. I want you to know something very sure: those are his thoughts, born from illness and exhaustion and a spiritual weight that is crushing him. They are not God’s thoughts. You see, when a soul is so low that it can only see the blackness, the Lord is not far off thinking harsh or distant things. His thoughts toward your husband, and toward you, are as different from our own as the wide, star-swirled heavens are from the muddy ditches we dig ourselves into. Your husband can only see the ditch right now. But the God who made those stars is thinking upon him with a tenderness that never stops. How precious it is, that when our own minds become a storm, there is a mind above us that remains fixed on love, constant, kind, wise, perfectly knowing what He is doing. Not a flicker of His attention has been lost; in the long nights and the angry days, He has been thinking thoughts of peace toward your household.
I know it can seem as though the Lord has forgotten your address. So many years of sickness, and now a spirit that wants to die, and finances that pinch, and a case that hangs over you like a low cloud. It feels like a love letter sent in a black-edged envelope, the contents hard to read. But I would gently remind you of the difference between the envelope and the letter inside. The outward circumstances are severe, but the message God is sending through Christ Jesus is still good news, milk and wine for the fainting soul. Milk, because it is simple and nourishing, the sort of promise you can live on every ordinary day. And wine, because there is a deep joy reserved for you that will yet make the heart leap, even if you cannot taste it this very moment. The gospel is adapted to every part of your manhood and womanhood, for every need under your roof. It has guidance for your feet when you don’t know the next step, and love for your heart when it feels hollowed out.
Do not let the length of the trial cause you to believe a lie about your Lord. His salvation is not a miserly thing. He who made a world brimming with beauty did not concoct a salvation that is pinched and gloomy. This Jesus, who took little children up in His arms and blessed them, has healing leaves growing on the Tree of Life that are meant for your husband’s afflictions, physical, spiritual, emotional. The tree is on both sides of the river now, accessible to all who come limping to it. The medicine is not hidden away in some corner of heaven; it streams from the wounded side of the Christ who was pierced for our transgressions. His blood speaks a better word than the anger and despair shouting in your home. His resurrection power is able to lift a man who daily wants to die, and set his feet upon a rock, and put a new resolve in his heart to take the medicine that helps him and to hope again for the implant to do its work. What cannot your own thoughts achieve? They cannot climb up to pull down this healing. But God’s thoughts can bring the healing down to you. You lay hold of what He has thought out for you in the Scripture, and faith rises to meet that grace.
I am pleading with you to keep your eyes upon the Lord Jesus himself, not upon the waves. "Look unto me, and be ye saved: for I am God, and there is none else." The case that looms so large before you is under His control. Your father and your brother, with their failing health, are not beyond His notice. Your own soul’s salvation, and that of your entire household, is the very business He delights to do. I hear that longing for the whole family to know Him, and that longing itself is a tiny, bright echo of His own divine desire. He is not willing that any should perish. The Spirit who stirred old Simeon to go up to the temple is able to guide every one of you to the spot where you will see Christ for yourselves and say, "Mine eyes have seen thy salvation." When a man is blindfolded by his own misery, he cannot see the Lord; but the Spirit can remove that covering in a moment, and the Savior who was always there will suddenly be plain.
In the meantime, you must not think that your tears are wasted. When you cannot trace His hand, trust His heart. Even now, in the thick darkness, your Father’s hand is holding yours. He has not dropped you.
Let us pray now together, and let the words be like a child holding up an empty cup.
O Lord, our God, who numbers our wanderings and puts our tears into Your bottle, we bring this heavy burden to You. There is a husband who is worn out with years of sickness and a mind that rages and weeps and wants to die. There is a wife who looks on with a breaking heart. Speak the word, only speak it, and the storm will obey. Give success to the implant, wisdom for the medicines, and a supernatural calming of the spiritual attack. Be the health of this father and this brother, and stretch forth Your hand upon the finances and the court case, so that the outcome tells of Your favor. Above all, bring the full, eternal salvation of Jesus Christ to every soul in that household. Turn their mourning into morning, and let them taste that You are gracious. We ask it in the name of Him who is able to save to the uttermost, Jesus, the son of Mary and the Son of God. Amen.
Prayer Focus: God, Thank You for loving me. Thank You for loving me, Jesus. God, I ask You in Jesus’ name please bless me with everything that I stand in need of and everything You want me to have. 
