To The Ladies of Gymnastics: The most difficult dilemma we face in speaking out is in the willingness to endure the unavoidable conflict that accompanies that decision. Part of the irony, lies in the inherent risk of, not only, alienation from one’s own family, but it also opens the door to the likelihood of collateral damage, the possibility of hurting innocent people (the perpetrator’s loved ones). Yet, it is, only through embracing the whole truth, in the realm of that dynamic, that healing can ultimately take place. For certain, like these ladies of gymnastics, I never meant to hurt anyone. Yet, inevitably, those closest to the situation may, unfortunately, be hurt. While I can never repent for the fallout that the truth has rendered, in my own journey, I have sought understanding from, as well as, offered forgiveness to those who were innocently entangled in the snare of the wickedness perpetrated against me. I would have done almost anything not to have had to speak my truth; I fought it for years. God literally had to drag me out of my comfort, because I knew that speaking out would not only, be hurtful to others, but that it would likely, and sadly so, force loved ones to take sides. That is, unfortunately, one of the ugly consequences of the selfishness of those who perpetrate the vileness of sexual abuse against children. The filthy residue, which they leave behind, reverberates throughout families, destroying relationships in its’ midst.
I have only shared this part of my story with one other person, but I am sharing it with the world today, not to celebrate another’s demise, but, to give testimony of God’s faithfulness to His promise when we forgive.
It was in late 2009, when I last spoke to my oldest brother, one of those who had sexually abused me, in yet another futile effort to garner, if not an apology, at the very least an explanation for his actions. Over the years, I had left the door, to redemption, because, although I hated the hatred in him, which allowed him to dishonor my right to a life free from sexual abuse, I loved my brother, simply because he was my brother. It was such that, I had long since stopped attending family reunions, particularly after my daughter came along, because I knew he would be there, I simply could not risk it. While one family member, being aware of the abuse, used that scenario as an opportunity to further advance his own narcissistic agenda of gaining favoritism, by reaffirming his favorite rhetoric, to anyone who would listen, that my absence meant that I somehow thought I was better than others. The truth is, it had always been quite the opposite, left in the wake of sexual abuse was the feeling inadequacy and low self-esteem. But, once again, to my disappointment, neither apology nor explanation would be forthcoming; instead my brother offered, in an almost menacing manner, a nonchalant dismissal. When I asked him, over the phone (which I had hoped would serve as a buffer to whatever guilt may have been hindering him), why he had abused me as a child; the answer he gave was: “I guess the devil made me do it.” It was at that moment that I, completely released him, along with the pain he had caused, into God’s hands. I remember the words that I spoke to God, verbatim: “Lord, I have seen what the devil did for him; now, show me what you can do for me.” Shortly thereafter, I received word, that my brother had slipped into, a stroke induced coma, from which he would not recover. While I find no satisfaction in that outcome, I am at peace in the knowledge that I gave him ample (unprecedented multiple) opportunity be reconciled, in truth; as ascribed in the Word: Matthew 5:23 23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
My brother passed away a little over a year after falling ill. Yet, it was what transpired following his death that decisively convinced me that God’s vindication was at work. Because, of a legal technicality, the life insurance policy which he had expected to leave behind, was deemed null and void. There were other subsequent mitigating layers that testify to the outcome of that situation, but, scripture immediately came into my spirit: Proverbs 11:7 “When the wicked dies, his hope will perish, and the expectation of wealth perishes too.
Yet, even in the midst of these phenomenon, the devil tried to regain stronghold over me, with a resurgence of the residue of hatred, which I assumed had dissipated with vindication. BUT GOD, had not purposed to leave me in my filth of unforgiveness. He set before me an open door of forgiveness, through which I chose to enter. It was only when I decided to, completely, let go, and truly forgive my brother, that God poured His resounding LOVE into the empty places where hatred had once taken up unlawful residence. God filled my heart with so much love, that no matter where I went, blessings just seemed to flow to anyone who came into my presence. Amazing things were happening and continue to happen all around me. AND I LOVE IT! I couldn’t have asked a better endowment. God illuminated a clear path to a genuine relationship with Him; a relationship completely guided by the Holy Spirit, the spirit of TRUTH, which has, indeed, set me free. I was finally able to see beauty in places that, had been, obscured by the darkness of sadness and despair.
I recount this event, not for vindictive exposé, but to reassure others that, not only is there freedom in forgiveness; but, the rewards surpass all understanding. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you cannot tell your story, in fact, it means the exact opposite; because of God’s grace and mercy, which brought you through, you are obligated, for the sake of someone else, to share your story. The secret was never yours to keep, but the story is yours to tell. How God does flip the script. Ironically, the flippers, literally took it to the mat and stuck it to the adversary. GOLD!!!
To Survivor Loved Ones (particularly parents): It can be difficult to know exactly how to speak comfort to a sexual abuse survivor (it’s another of those, built-in, idiosyncrasies of this evil). We all make mistakes, but as parents, we bear the greater responsibility to protect and care for our children. When sexual abuse happens, especially within our own family, the guilt in having “dropped the ball,” can cause us to lash out at the victim. But, sexual is never the blame of the victim. EVER. My hope is that no other survivor will ever again have to endure the added heartbreak of the following verbal sentiments that I endured. I make mention of the following statements, not to “set an accusatory light,” on anyone, but in hope that a more empathetic dialogue might foster better understanding to aide in repairing the breach caused by the abuser.
Statements like these, especially when they come from a parent, only add to the trauma, and have no redeeming value, whatsoever. They are, at the very core, thoughtless and could be detrimental to a survivor. Please, think of how you would want someone to speak to your heart, if the situation were reversed.
To Judge Aquilina: BLESSED be those who plead for truth and call for justice. There is no “so-called” impartiality for those who sexually abuse children. If this male has been wrongly sentenced, for righteousness sake: Many are the afflictions of the Righteous; But, the Lord, delivers him out of all of them all. Yet, if he has received just and due process, let him be left to the hands of other inmates. He should really thank the Judge for showing mercy, God’s judgement is far less impartial, for He is no respecter of man.
Finally, to those of you who have not yet found the strength to speak your truth, be not dismayed; for when you are weak, with God you are strong. He will direct your path. It took many years for some of us to get to this moment, that doesn’t necessarily mean that this is the right moment for you. Please don’t let anyone coerce or shame you in either direction. Take your time. The decision is yours alone. Just know this, WHENEVER you are ready, I, and all those who stand in solidarity, “got your back;” more importantly, “GOD’s got your back:”
Psalm 34:15-18 15The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. 16 The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. 17The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. 18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Thank You LORD
Isaiah 33:1 1Woe to you, O destroyer, you who have not been destroyed! Woe to you, O traitor, you who have not been betrayed! When you stop destroying, you will be destroyed; when you stop betraying, you will be betrayed. Thank You LORD
Please understand, the latter scripture is not contingent on one’s own will-power, to bring his behavior to remorseful termination, let’s be honest, that rarely happens. But, it is in fact, God’s promise that He will, absolutely, bring those who torment the innocent, to a punitive end, as only He can; whereby those who were victimized, are vindicated. There are some who have, sought to lay blame at my feet, which is easy to do, when you don’t know the whole truth. I know what I say about my brother, my mother’s own son, THE TRUTH. I, likewise know what was commanded of me toward my mother, God has reassured me regarding both. It is neither about them nor me, it’s about giving testimony to the journey that God gave me. Still, as for me, I don’t question God’s vengeance on my behalf, I simply say Thank You LORD.
I proclaim that this is the year of the Lord 's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.
I have only shared this part of my story with one other person, but I am sharing it with the world today, not to celebrate another’s demise, but, to give testimony of God’s faithfulness to His promise when we forgive.
It was in late 2009, when I last spoke to my oldest brother, one of those who had sexually abused me, in yet another futile effort to garner, if not an apology, at the very least an explanation for his actions. Over the years, I had left the door, to redemption, because, although I hated the hatred in him, which allowed him to dishonor my right to a life free from sexual abuse, I loved my brother, simply because he was my brother. It was such that, I had long since stopped attending family reunions, particularly after my daughter came along, because I knew he would be there, I simply could not risk it. While one family member, being aware of the abuse, used that scenario as an opportunity to further advance his own narcissistic agenda of gaining favoritism, by reaffirming his favorite rhetoric, to anyone who would listen, that my absence meant that I somehow thought I was better than others. The truth is, it had always been quite the opposite, left in the wake of sexual abuse was the feeling inadequacy and low self-esteem. But, once again, to my disappointment, neither apology nor explanation would be forthcoming; instead my brother offered, in an almost menacing manner, a nonchalant dismissal. When I asked him, over the phone (which I had hoped would serve as a buffer to whatever guilt may have been hindering him), why he had abused me as a child; the answer he gave was: “I guess the devil made me do it.” It was at that moment that I, completely released him, along with the pain he had caused, into God’s hands. I remember the words that I spoke to God, verbatim: “Lord, I have seen what the devil did for him; now, show me what you can do for me.” Shortly thereafter, I received word, that my brother had slipped into, a stroke induced coma, from which he would not recover. While I find no satisfaction in that outcome, I am at peace in the knowledge that I gave him ample (unprecedented multiple) opportunity be reconciled, in truth; as ascribed in the Word: Matthew 5:23 23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
My brother passed away a little over a year after falling ill. Yet, it was what transpired following his death that decisively convinced me that God’s vindication was at work. Because, of a legal technicality, the life insurance policy which he had expected to leave behind, was deemed null and void. There were other subsequent mitigating layers that testify to the outcome of that situation, but, scripture immediately came into my spirit: Proverbs 11:7 “When the wicked dies, his hope will perish, and the expectation of wealth perishes too.
Yet, even in the midst of these phenomenon, the devil tried to regain stronghold over me, with a resurgence of the residue of hatred, which I assumed had dissipated with vindication. BUT GOD, had not purposed to leave me in my filth of unforgiveness. He set before me an open door of forgiveness, through which I chose to enter. It was only when I decided to, completely, let go, and truly forgive my brother, that God poured His resounding LOVE into the empty places where hatred had once taken up unlawful residence. God filled my heart with so much love, that no matter where I went, blessings just seemed to flow to anyone who came into my presence. Amazing things were happening and continue to happen all around me. AND I LOVE IT! I couldn’t have asked a better endowment. God illuminated a clear path to a genuine relationship with Him; a relationship completely guided by the Holy Spirit, the spirit of TRUTH, which has, indeed, set me free. I was finally able to see beauty in places that, had been, obscured by the darkness of sadness and despair.
I recount this event, not for vindictive exposé, but to reassure others that, not only is there freedom in forgiveness; but, the rewards surpass all understanding. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you cannot tell your story, in fact, it means the exact opposite; because of God’s grace and mercy, which brought you through, you are obligated, for the sake of someone else, to share your story. The secret was never yours to keep, but the story is yours to tell. How God does flip the script. Ironically, the flippers, literally took it to the mat and stuck it to the adversary. GOLD!!!
To Survivor Loved Ones (particularly parents): It can be difficult to know exactly how to speak comfort to a sexual abuse survivor (it’s another of those, built-in, idiosyncrasies of this evil). We all make mistakes, but as parents, we bear the greater responsibility to protect and care for our children. When sexual abuse happens, especially within our own family, the guilt in having “dropped the ball,” can cause us to lash out at the victim. But, sexual is never the blame of the victim. EVER. My hope is that no other survivor will ever again have to endure the added heartbreak of the following verbal sentiments that I endured. I make mention of the following statements, not to “set an accusatory light,” on anyone, but in hope that a more empathetic dialogue might foster better understanding to aide in repairing the breach caused by the abuser.
Why didn’t you tell me?
You could have/should have told me years ago
You act like you’re jealous of your brothers (abusers)
Stop being jealous of your brothers (abusers)
It seemed like you just had it in for “him” (abuser)
How am I supposed to believe you, I wasn’t there?
Get over it
Statements like these, especially when they come from a parent, only add to the trauma, and have no redeeming value, whatsoever. They are, at the very core, thoughtless and could be detrimental to a survivor. Please, think of how you would want someone to speak to your heart, if the situation were reversed.
To Judge Aquilina: BLESSED be those who plead for truth and call for justice. There is no “so-called” impartiality for those who sexually abuse children. If this male has been wrongly sentenced, for righteousness sake: Many are the afflictions of the Righteous; But, the Lord, delivers him out of all of them all. Yet, if he has received just and due process, let him be left to the hands of other inmates. He should really thank the Judge for showing mercy, God’s judgement is far less impartial, for He is no respecter of man.
Finally, to those of you who have not yet found the strength to speak your truth, be not dismayed; for when you are weak, with God you are strong. He will direct your path. It took many years for some of us to get to this moment, that doesn’t necessarily mean that this is the right moment for you. Please don’t let anyone coerce or shame you in either direction. Take your time. The decision is yours alone. Just know this, WHENEVER you are ready, I, and all those who stand in solidarity, “got your back;” more importantly, “GOD’s got your back:”
Psalm 34:15-18 15The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. 16 The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. 17The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. 18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Thank You LORD
Isaiah 33:1 1Woe to you, O destroyer, you who have not been destroyed! Woe to you, O traitor, you who have not been betrayed! When you stop destroying, you will be destroyed; when you stop betraying, you will be betrayed. Thank You LORD
Please understand, the latter scripture is not contingent on one’s own will-power, to bring his behavior to remorseful termination, let’s be honest, that rarely happens. But, it is in fact, God’s promise that He will, absolutely, bring those who torment the innocent, to a punitive end, as only He can; whereby those who were victimized, are vindicated. There are some who have, sought to lay blame at my feet, which is easy to do, when you don’t know the whole truth. I know what I say about my brother, my mother’s own son, THE TRUTH. I, likewise know what was commanded of me toward my mother, God has reassured me regarding both. It is neither about them nor me, it’s about giving testimony to the journey that God gave me. Still, as for me, I don’t question God’s vengeance on my behalf, I simply say Thank You LORD.
I proclaim that this is the year of the Lord 's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.
