Chrysostom
Beloved of All
You ask God to touch this man's heart and stir within him a romance, a spark, that he might declare his love for you and see you as a perfect fit. But tell me, is this the path of true piety? When Abraham's servant was sent to find a wife for Isaac, he did not pray, "Lord, make the maiden feel a romantic stirring for my master," but rather, "Let the one to whom I say, 'Give me water,' and she says, 'Drink, and I will water your camels also,' be the one You have appointed." He sought a sign of character, of kindness, of diligence, not the fluttering of the heart. And when he had found her, he worshiped God, who had guided him. So should you do. Do not lay out before God the script of how this man should feel and act. Instead, say, "Whomsoever Thou wilt, do Thou provide." If he is a man of virtue, gentle, fearing God, then you may trust the Lord's leading. But if you seek a spark and a declaration above all, you may be kindling a fire of straw that will burn out before the hearth is warm.
Why are you so anxious about things that are not yet, and may never be? Have you forgotten that our Lord said, "Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on"? If God clothes the grass of the field, will He not much more care for you? And yet you tell Him exactly what this man must do: he must provide, he must visit, he must be a stepfather to your boys, he must take you to America. You are thoughtful as a man, not trusting as a woman of faith. Leave these interests to God. If He provides, He provides as God. When you try to manage everything, you may lose the greater things, the spiritual peace that comes from surrender. I do not say it is wrong to desire marriage; marriage is honorable, and the bed undefiled. But even in marriage, the Apostle teaches us to have wives as though we had none, to use the world as not abusing it. That means your ultimate joy, your security, your identity must not be fixed on any earthly relationship, but on the Lord alone. Right now your words are full of this man and your plans. Where is the prayer for your own soul? Where is the cry for growth in holiness, for your boys' spiritual nurture? You ask God to shape him into a provider, but are you equally zealous that He shape you into a woman of prayer, of order, of grave and sober character?
Consider what I have preached before: when you give a daughter in marriage, you do not seek money or splendor, but piety of soul, gentleness, true understanding, the fear of God. Now you are both the mother and the bride. Seek these things first. If this man fears God, if his character is proved by his deeds, not just by sweet words on a video call, then you may hope. But if you have hardly met, and already you dream of a united family and a petition to join him, you are building a tower before counting the cost. The holy Apostle warns that those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. I do not forbid remarriage, if you are free to marry, but I would have you use this time, while you are not yet bound, to attend upon the Lord without distraction. Do you have leisure for prayer? Are you serving the saints? Are you instructing your boys in the fear of the Lord? If you have not yet done these things, do not rush into a new entanglement that may draw you away from the Spirit.
Let the man's heart be, but do not try to force God's hand to stir it as you wish. That is not prayer; it is a demand wrapped in piety. Instead, ask that His will be done, and mean it, even if that will is not what you now desire. If this marriage is from Him, He will make it clear, and you will not need to orchestrate a spark. The blessed virgin martyr and the chaste widow are precious in His sight because they have learned to say, "Be it unto me according to Thy word." You too must learn that song. So then, cease from your anxious listing of how things must unfold. Say simply, "Lord, if this man is the one Thou hast chosen for me, grant me the wisdom to see it, and give me patience to wait for Thy time. If not, take away this desire, and fill my heart with Thyself." Let your first care be to establish a Church in the estate of your soul, as I have urged all believers to build places of prayer before building baths. Raise up the altar of God in your home through constant prayer and the reading of Scripture with your children. Then, whether a husband comes or not, your house will be full of blessing.
Do not think I am harsh. I speak as one who knows the dangers of human affection when it is not anchored in the fear of God. How many have been shipwrecked by a passion they mistook for providence! How many marriages have become a torment because they were founded on an evening's spark and not on the steady flame of virtue! Let the memory of Anna be yours: she served God with fastings and prayers night and day, and her reward was not a husband but a prophet son, and a place among the saints. If God gives you a husband, receive him with thanksgiving and live in holiness. But if not, you have lost nothing, for you have Christ. So go now, and pray not for a spark to be kindled in another, but for the fire of the Holy Spirit to purify your own heart. Then, whatever comes, you will stand firm.
Why are you so anxious about things that are not yet, and may never be? Have you forgotten that our Lord said, "Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on"? If God clothes the grass of the field, will He not much more care for you? And yet you tell Him exactly what this man must do: he must provide, he must visit, he must be a stepfather to your boys, he must take you to America. You are thoughtful as a man, not trusting as a woman of faith. Leave these interests to God. If He provides, He provides as God. When you try to manage everything, you may lose the greater things, the spiritual peace that comes from surrender. I do not say it is wrong to desire marriage; marriage is honorable, and the bed undefiled. But even in marriage, the Apostle teaches us to have wives as though we had none, to use the world as not abusing it. That means your ultimate joy, your security, your identity must not be fixed on any earthly relationship, but on the Lord alone. Right now your words are full of this man and your plans. Where is the prayer for your own soul? Where is the cry for growth in holiness, for your boys' spiritual nurture? You ask God to shape him into a provider, but are you equally zealous that He shape you into a woman of prayer, of order, of grave and sober character?
Consider what I have preached before: when you give a daughter in marriage, you do not seek money or splendor, but piety of soul, gentleness, true understanding, the fear of God. Now you are both the mother and the bride. Seek these things first. If this man fears God, if his character is proved by his deeds, not just by sweet words on a video call, then you may hope. But if you have hardly met, and already you dream of a united family and a petition to join him, you are building a tower before counting the cost. The holy Apostle warns that those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. I do not forbid remarriage, if you are free to marry, but I would have you use this time, while you are not yet bound, to attend upon the Lord without distraction. Do you have leisure for prayer? Are you serving the saints? Are you instructing your boys in the fear of the Lord? If you have not yet done these things, do not rush into a new entanglement that may draw you away from the Spirit.
Let the man's heart be, but do not try to force God's hand to stir it as you wish. That is not prayer; it is a demand wrapped in piety. Instead, ask that His will be done, and mean it, even if that will is not what you now desire. If this marriage is from Him, He will make it clear, and you will not need to orchestrate a spark. The blessed virgin martyr and the chaste widow are precious in His sight because they have learned to say, "Be it unto me according to Thy word." You too must learn that song. So then, cease from your anxious listing of how things must unfold. Say simply, "Lord, if this man is the one Thou hast chosen for me, grant me the wisdom to see it, and give me patience to wait for Thy time. If not, take away this desire, and fill my heart with Thyself." Let your first care be to establish a Church in the estate of your soul, as I have urged all believers to build places of prayer before building baths. Raise up the altar of God in your home through constant prayer and the reading of Scripture with your children. Then, whether a husband comes or not, your house will be full of blessing.
Do not think I am harsh. I speak as one who knows the dangers of human affection when it is not anchored in the fear of God. How many have been shipwrecked by a passion they mistook for providence! How many marriages have become a torment because they were founded on an evening's spark and not on the steady flame of virtue! Let the memory of Anna be yours: she served God with fastings and prayers night and day, and her reward was not a husband but a prophet son, and a place among the saints. If God gives you a husband, receive him with thanksgiving and live in holiness. But if not, you have lost nothing, for you have Christ. So go now, and pray not for a spark to be kindled in another, but for the fire of the Holy Spirit to purify your own heart. Then, whatever comes, you will stand firm.
