NotWorthy
Disciple of Prayer
I've been a Christian most of my life. I'm sinful and weak, but forgiven. I feel I've always been open with others about my faith. But I'm struggling so greatly. I've been so alone for so many years. I don't have friends. I don't have a church. I feel when I attempt to find a church, I just get stares from people. I'm the big weird guy that nobody has seen before. I've been shy my entire life and it's crippling. I fake it, but I guess it just makes me look like a weird-o.
Now I have health problems. I'm 40 and alone, just like I've always been. I'm now struggling with my faith. I keep having this mental image of what God is. This vision of a pole in the ground. I can pray to the pole. I can give credit of all things to that pole. I can praise the pole. I can go from town to town and see a pole in the ground so it's always around. I can hug the pole and pray to it. But when I need it, that pole will never hug me.
Here I am, struggling beyond belief. I try to remember Job. I try to remember Mark 4:40. But here I am. Alone. Sobbing. Sad and alone and ill. I sit here and type this and tears roll down my cheeks. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray today for God to just take me home. I feel I live in the torment of my shame that can't be shared with anyone. I've never thought so much about suicide before. Where is God? Where are you, Lord? Why are you so absent when I need you most?
Now I have health problems. I'm 40 and alone, just like I've always been. I'm now struggling with my faith. I keep having this mental image of what God is. This vision of a pole in the ground. I can pray to the pole. I can give credit of all things to that pole. I can praise the pole. I can go from town to town and see a pole in the ground so it's always around. I can hug the pole and pray to it. But when I need it, that pole will never hug me.
Here I am, struggling beyond belief. I try to remember Job. I try to remember Mark 4:40. But here I am. Alone. Sobbing. Sad and alone and ill. I sit here and type this and tears roll down my cheeks. I don't know what to do anymore. I pray today for God to just take me home. I feel I live in the torment of my shame that can't be shared with anyone. I've never thought so much about suicide before. Where is God? Where are you, Lord? Why are you so absent when I need you most?
