anonymous4742
Servant of All
I am so depressed today for so many reasons. I had rather die today than keep living in the state of affairs I'm in. It's like the harder I try the worse things get and if I do nothing it gets worse. So what am I supposed to do? Prayer isn't working. Faith isn't working. My head just keeps hurting, my chest keeps hurting. I couldn't afford to go to my family reunion again this year and I haven't seen this part of my family in 10 years. I can't even afford the gas to visit my mother who is in an Alzheimer facility 30 miles away.
Forgive me for complaining, I know it could be worse as I have been homeless before. This is where we will be soon if something good doesn't happen. I feel like God does not want me to ever be happy. These God awful walls are closing in on me. All I have is my dreams that will never come true. God has proven that over and over. So I have given up on dreaming too.
God won't let me die because that would make me happy. As long as everyone else has happiness, it seems that is all that matters. I understand why my stepson committed suicide. I really do. No one else around me understands but I do.
Our pastor always said that God is in control of everything and can stop things from happening. That means God is responsible...The Bible is contradictory. If God is in control then bad things would not happen. People would be happy.
The Bible says to thank God for everything even the bad stuff. Well, I thanked him this morning for every bad thing going on in my life which was quite a list. I thanked him for the good which was only a few. It is quite sad that the bad crap in my life always outweighs the good stuff. Please someone tell me when is God going to love me like he loves these people that always have good in their lives. I go to church, read my Bible, pray (which doesn't do any good), give, do for others, take in the homeless, the delinquent kids always take precedent over my needs. I am TIRED. TIRED OF THIS LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE!!!
I know God is supposed to be the happiness in our lives but I haven't found that. I asked him to remove my stumbling blocks. However, that would mean he would have to remove my husband. I don't want another divorce and I prefer not to be a widow. I can't pay our bills now, I'm not old enough for social security if he dies and I couldn't live off what I get on disability either.
My husband's employer is paperless. Direct deposit only so they post the check stub 5-7 days before they actually get paid. When I checked today it had been posted. We had to promise and postdate checks for some of our bills to keep from having repossession and services turned off. His check is not going to cover those and allow us to buy food and put gas in the car.
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU!!!! I am doing my part to find a job. I don't spend money even if I had it to spend, you know I don't throw money away. Why, Lord, do you not want us to catch up and get out of debt. Your word says to owe no one. I didn't ask for someone else to total my car that was paid for forcing us to have to buy another car. I didn't force these kids to be delinquent.
Lord, I feel like Jesus, paying for everyone else's sins only Jesus died on the cross and his suffering ended. Mine seems to never end....
I don't go around complaining about the multitude of things that are physically wrong with me or my depression that I have dealt with since I was a child. No one knows all my struggles as I am not allowed to talk about how I feel. I have no one to talk to but you, God, and I feel that you turn a deaf ear a lot.
You allowed liars and monsters to have and raise children and brainwash against me. Yet, I'm stuck with juvenile delinquent stepchildren and juvenile delinquent step-grandchildren who have caused us much grief, our home, my car that was paid for, lost wages, and no matter how I try to improve our lives you shut it down. I really feel like God, you just want me to be miserable all my life. So please just end my life NOW!!!
Forgive me for complaining, I know it could be worse as I have been homeless before. This is where we will be soon if something good doesn't happen. I feel like God does not want me to ever be happy. These God awful walls are closing in on me. All I have is my dreams that will never come true. God has proven that over and over. So I have given up on dreaming too.
God won't let me die because that would make me happy. As long as everyone else has happiness, it seems that is all that matters. I understand why my stepson committed suicide. I really do. No one else around me understands but I do.
Our pastor always said that God is in control of everything and can stop things from happening. That means God is responsible...The Bible is contradictory. If God is in control then bad things would not happen. People would be happy.
The Bible says to thank God for everything even the bad stuff. Well, I thanked him this morning for every bad thing going on in my life which was quite a list. I thanked him for the good which was only a few. It is quite sad that the bad crap in my life always outweighs the good stuff. Please someone tell me when is God going to love me like he loves these people that always have good in their lives. I go to church, read my Bible, pray (which doesn't do any good), give, do for others, take in the homeless, the delinquent kids always take precedent over my needs. I am TIRED. TIRED OF THIS LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANY MORE!!!
I know God is supposed to be the happiness in our lives but I haven't found that. I asked him to remove my stumbling blocks. However, that would mean he would have to remove my husband. I don't want another divorce and I prefer not to be a widow. I can't pay our bills now, I'm not old enough for social security if he dies and I couldn't live off what I get on disability either.
My husband's employer is paperless. Direct deposit only so they post the check stub 5-7 days before they actually get paid. When I checked today it had been posted. We had to promise and postdate checks for some of our bills to keep from having repossession and services turned off. His check is not going to cover those and allow us to buy food and put gas in the car.
GOD, WHERE ARE YOU!!!! I am doing my part to find a job. I don't spend money even if I had it to spend, you know I don't throw money away. Why, Lord, do you not want us to catch up and get out of debt. Your word says to owe no one. I didn't ask for someone else to total my car that was paid for forcing us to have to buy another car. I didn't force these kids to be delinquent.
Lord, I feel like Jesus, paying for everyone else's sins only Jesus died on the cross and his suffering ended. Mine seems to never end....
I don't go around complaining about the multitude of things that are physically wrong with me or my depression that I have dealt with since I was a child. No one knows all my struggles as I am not allowed to talk about how I feel. I have no one to talk to but you, God, and I feel that you turn a deaf ear a lot.
You allowed liars and monsters to have and raise children and brainwash against me. Yet, I'm stuck with juvenile delinquent stepchildren and juvenile delinquent step-grandchildren who have caused us much grief, our home, my car that was paid for, lost wages, and no matter how I try to improve our lives you shut it down. I really feel like God, you just want me to be miserable all my life. So please just end my life NOW!!!
