B
Brenda222
Guest
I ask the Lord to forgive me, I am just tired of living like this. A year ago everything was fine. I had a job, income, a car, friends a work, friends outside of work, going to church. I know the Lord is good. I listened to a so-called friend a year ago and changed jobs. I was so devastated at the time of my ex putting me out of our home and moving his ex in my bedroom and his family in there. I dont know what I was going thru but I was in bad shape. But I had a job. Today I would have been on my job a year. Now no one will even hire me. And the job I just had I got fired. Then this friend is gonna say after I listened to her, I dont know what you are talking about when you say advice, especially after she put me down for everything. I was happy with quitting my vices, quiting smoking. I counted the days I had quit everything. She steadily ridicued me, dont harp on the date of these things. I had just come out of an 8 year abusive relationship with my ex, where I was put down constantly for everything I did, like he had no faults.
It's been a year since Ive even had a visitor, no one will even give me a ride, not even to church, friends dont call. I sit in this apartment alone, cant go anywhere because I dont have busfare, cant even afford to take my baby anywhere. Last Christmas I didnt even have a gift for my baby. Sure daddy opened all the gifts for my child with his other woman. Didnt get to see my baby for Christmas, had nothing to give. I think it was a nervous breakdown I went thru. I cant deal with living like this every day. And now they are going to turn my lights off. I cant get anywhere to get them paid, I dont have bus fare. Im looking for jobs, anything. I had a job I wanted to be at. I was ridicued and put down by friends. I was going to trade in my car for a cheaper car, cant now its repossessed. Every plan I had a year ago, gone, dont even see my child during the week. And now this child cant be here without lights, no cable to even look at tv. I really cant get over the bad decision I made by listening to friends and changing my job. I lost everything when I did that. The job was perfect, perfect hours, location, had benefits. Now these same people block me out of their -banned site-, wont speak to me, see me walking and pass me up.
This is not living, this is struggling daily to survive. I have no way to pay my bills. This year has been hell for me. I love my children but I am so depressed daily I cant even see them. I sit here in my apartment with no contact with the outside world, no friends, walking miles again to get where I have to go, no car, no utilities. Dont tell me to go to an organization, I cant even get anywhere and no one will even give me a ride. I cant suffer like this daily. I have lost everything. Yes I have faith in the Lord but I am the one who made that decision, I left something the Lord blessed me with and seems I can never get it back. I cant live with this decision daily. Every day I contemplate suicide. I cant live daily like this. No the dad wont help me, he wants me to look like a bad mom. He is sitting there with his ex, his family in our home and it looks like I dont do anything for my child, which I have done for years and he wouldnt even spend time with our child. The man does not even speak to say hello. 8 years with him, no one would barely come into our home, now they all come by to party and visit, everyone. They stayed away when I was with him, now that he is with the ex, in our home, they constantly visit. I just cant live like this daily. This has got to be insane why I would leave a good job. They wont rehire me and I will never get over this, Im sorry I wont. I hope the Lord will forgive me if I end it all. I love my children but I just cant live like this. How can I show them a mom they never knew. They know their mom as someone who gets up and gets things, goes for what she wants, drive, I cant do it. Please ask the Lord to forgive me if I am not here. Dont lecture, Im tired of the ridicue and pain. It hurts so much. My lease is up in my apartment next month. I have to go on the streets because I cant pay rent. I have to take the bus 30 miles out to see about jobs when my job was 10 miles driving. How could I be so studip and make such a bad mistake. I just keep depending and having faith. I cannot hardly eat and my home looks like a mess, I dont even clean up. I just cant keep living like this everyday. I dont know what will happen today but I am ready to end it all. Im sorry. Im just tired of living like this.
It's been a year since Ive even had a visitor, no one will even give me a ride, not even to church, friends dont call. I sit in this apartment alone, cant go anywhere because I dont have busfare, cant even afford to take my baby anywhere. Last Christmas I didnt even have a gift for my baby. Sure daddy opened all the gifts for my child with his other woman. Didnt get to see my baby for Christmas, had nothing to give. I think it was a nervous breakdown I went thru. I cant deal with living like this every day. And now they are going to turn my lights off. I cant get anywhere to get them paid, I dont have bus fare. Im looking for jobs, anything. I had a job I wanted to be at. I was ridicued and put down by friends. I was going to trade in my car for a cheaper car, cant now its repossessed. Every plan I had a year ago, gone, dont even see my child during the week. And now this child cant be here without lights, no cable to even look at tv. I really cant get over the bad decision I made by listening to friends and changing my job. I lost everything when I did that. The job was perfect, perfect hours, location, had benefits. Now these same people block me out of their -banned site-, wont speak to me, see me walking and pass me up.
This is not living, this is struggling daily to survive. I have no way to pay my bills. This year has been hell for me. I love my children but I am so depressed daily I cant even see them. I sit here in my apartment with no contact with the outside world, no friends, walking miles again to get where I have to go, no car, no utilities. Dont tell me to go to an organization, I cant even get anywhere and no one will even give me a ride. I cant suffer like this daily. I have lost everything. Yes I have faith in the Lord but I am the one who made that decision, I left something the Lord blessed me with and seems I can never get it back. I cant live with this decision daily. Every day I contemplate suicide. I cant live daily like this. No the dad wont help me, he wants me to look like a bad mom. He is sitting there with his ex, his family in our home and it looks like I dont do anything for my child, which I have done for years and he wouldnt even spend time with our child. The man does not even speak to say hello. 8 years with him, no one would barely come into our home, now they all come by to party and visit, everyone. They stayed away when I was with him, now that he is with the ex, in our home, they constantly visit. I just cant live like this daily. This has got to be insane why I would leave a good job. They wont rehire me and I will never get over this, Im sorry I wont. I hope the Lord will forgive me if I end it all. I love my children but I just cant live like this. How can I show them a mom they never knew. They know their mom as someone who gets up and gets things, goes for what she wants, drive, I cant do it. Please ask the Lord to forgive me if I am not here. Dont lecture, Im tired of the ridicue and pain. It hurts so much. My lease is up in my apartment next month. I have to go on the streets because I cant pay rent. I have to take the bus 30 miles out to see about jobs when my job was 10 miles driving. How could I be so studip and make such a bad mistake. I just keep depending and having faith. I cannot hardly eat and my home looks like a mess, I dont even clean up. I just cant keep living like this everyday. I dont know what will happen today but I am ready to end it all. Im sorry. Im just tired of living like this.
