cesar00
Banned
Dear Jesus, I never thought I could make it this far. You know how I love to eat and how I enjoy a good home cooked meal.Today I begin day fourteen of a fast which has no end in sight, I am not complaining LOrd, I started this and I will end it whenever it is that it happens. It is all up to You, I trust yoiu My Lord I trust You and YOur time, I need You to understand though that I am human, I am not perfect and I am not strong, yesterday I complained a lot, and my hopes hit an all time low. You know that I did not break the fast but I thoiught about dropping everything. Today I continue, nothing has changed yet here I am, I do not see anything positive in the horizon, in fact You know that I am being cornered by debt collerectors and I dont have any food money or gas money or medicine money, in fact I do not have any money at all. The food we had ran out and we are beraely surviving, there is no work and there are no perspectives of work.
I am at a standstill My Lord, I do not know which way to go or what to do. I pray constantly for guidance, for a sign, for a direction, day and night I pray and I talk to You and I listen for Your answer but it does not come mean while my children suffer, my wife suffers, I have not taken my diabetes medication in three weeks so my health is suffering too. But You know all this so why bother repeating it. The point is My Lord , I know I am not a saint nor I pretend to be one, I am just aregular person who had his problems, maybe more than most, and I am trying to get close to You to learn about You to sertve You. My family is suffering and I look around me and I see the big drug lords of my country flaunting their money, driving in their bulletproof cars surrounded by guards without a worry on their minds except how they are going to spend their money or where they will go during the weekend, I see the people who work in the government, thieves who take my people's money, thieves who started with nothing and now have millions and huge houses and great empires, I look around anbd see my countries businessmen who have also amassed fortunes by bribing government officials and paying miserable salaries to their employees, and ripping the peole off when selling their products to them, and I My Lord, I am a part of this social group, I know them all, they were my classmates, their children are my children's friends, I see them every day, I talk to them every day, what is the difference between us Lord, where is the difference between us ?? I could have done all that I could have been all that and probably we would not be having this conversation......
For some reason, which only YOu know, I failed as a drug lord, how can you fail at selling something everybody wants??? Every criminal activity I tried, I failed, after that I tried to be a business man, I failed too, I tried working in the family businesses, we are partners in banks, hotels and other things, I failed there too, finally I tried to be a politician, my father is a powerful man, I know thw President himself and most of his Ministers I personal frineds, I failed there too. I sit here today I am poor, I have no money when I could have had millions, I have no job when I could be a bank executive or even a congressman, I could have been many things but it was YOUR WILL FOR ME NOT TO BE THOSE THINGS. So I ask You again for the millionth time WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO ????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ????
I am here Lord, at Your feet confused, with no direction, I am a ship in the storm without a rudder or a captain, I am going nowhere, I have nowhere to go. I believe in my heart that I am doing the right thing, I believe this fast has a purpose and that I will emerge triumphant from it and that I will be closer to You when it is done. On the other hand my mind and my brain waver and doubt, they think this is useless and even though I am applying for jobs and trying to find work, the fast is not working. There is no connection My Lord between my heart and my brain, they are working independently and this cannot be, they must work together to serve You better. I make great efforts to bring them together, every day it is harder for my heart to convince my brain that what I am doing is right and brings me closer to You and my goal. Every morning I waker in fear of the electricity being shut down, the water, cable, internet, not having enough gasd to drive Victoria to school or not having money for her to eat at school or for us to buy groceries. These are real needs My Lord and my brain for some reasons even after my heart wins the battle, drifts back to these thoughts and makes me worry and makes me sad. You say that I must abandon myself in Your arms and forget all my troubles because they are taken care of. It is easier said than done, unfortunately there are things that must be bought and paid for,they will not be provided by faith alone.
Which brings us to another question, am I supposed to sit around the house and pray all day ?? Will the work come to me out of the blue, sent by YOu or should I continue searching and applying for jobs. Should I sit around and wait for the food to fall on my lap today or should I go out and try to borrow money ?? What should I tell the people I owe money to, when should I say I will pay them, how will I pay them?? These are all questions that are in my mind Lord, quest0ons I ask You every morning and every afternoon and every night while I pray, could You answer them for me?? Dear Jesus these are all logical questions that turn around and around in my head all day and night, I know there is no logic in You, I know that You are Almighty and nothing is beyond Your capabilities, My Lord You made the Universe, what is a little ffod and a little money too You, NOTHING. I am not dounbting Your ways or Your time or You at all My God, please be sure of this, I am faithful to You and I belive that eventuañlly things will be okay and eventually the skies will open and we will be blessed, my kids will go back to the university and there will be food on our table and we will look back at these times and smile because You love us and Your promises were fulfilled. I love You Lord and there is nothing more that I would rather do than serve You for the rest of my life. I have delivered myself, my family and our lives into Your hands for You to do as You please, there is no change in this, I am begging You Dear Jesus for You to send the Holy Spirit upon me so that the final connection between brain and heart be made, I beg You to open the flood doors Jesus so that feelings and thoughts may become one and there are no more doubts or hesitations ANYWHERE in my body and soul.
Dear Jesus I want to feel like I have never felt before, pain, sorrow, happiness, love, care all the rainbow of feelings, I want to go through, them I want to feel hunger when I see a child begging on the street, I want to feel happiness when I hug my children, I want to feel with my heart, not my head. Dear Jesus Right now, and for a long time, my feelings have been created by mu brain, it decides when I must be happy or sadd. I know that what I am asking for may be a bit too much to handle but I beg You Jesus grant my wish, I need Dear Lord to let go of some many years of accumulated feelings that sometimes I feel my chest is going to burst wide open. There is pain, dissapointment, hurt, sorrow, so many things bottled up inside of me that I belive they p´´revent me from coming closer to You, I believe this lack of feeling does not allow me to close the gap between us. I beg You Jesus free my heart , break the steel walls surrounding it and let Your light shine through. Dear Jesus I beg you breach the way so that my decisions and my actions are guided by my heart and not my mind for You are a God of love and mercy and not a God of brains and logic. Thank you Jesus in you I trust.
I am at a standstill My Lord, I do not know which way to go or what to do. I pray constantly for guidance, for a sign, for a direction, day and night I pray and I talk to You and I listen for Your answer but it does not come mean while my children suffer, my wife suffers, I have not taken my diabetes medication in three weeks so my health is suffering too. But You know all this so why bother repeating it. The point is My Lord , I know I am not a saint nor I pretend to be one, I am just aregular person who had his problems, maybe more than most, and I am trying to get close to You to learn about You to sertve You. My family is suffering and I look around me and I see the big drug lords of my country flaunting their money, driving in their bulletproof cars surrounded by guards without a worry on their minds except how they are going to spend their money or where they will go during the weekend, I see the people who work in the government, thieves who take my people's money, thieves who started with nothing and now have millions and huge houses and great empires, I look around anbd see my countries businessmen who have also amassed fortunes by bribing government officials and paying miserable salaries to their employees, and ripping the peole off when selling their products to them, and I My Lord, I am a part of this social group, I know them all, they were my classmates, their children are my children's friends, I see them every day, I talk to them every day, what is the difference between us Lord, where is the difference between us ?? I could have done all that I could have been all that and probably we would not be having this conversation......
For some reason, which only YOu know, I failed as a drug lord, how can you fail at selling something everybody wants??? Every criminal activity I tried, I failed, after that I tried to be a business man, I failed too, I tried working in the family businesses, we are partners in banks, hotels and other things, I failed there too, finally I tried to be a politician, my father is a powerful man, I know thw President himself and most of his Ministers I personal frineds, I failed there too. I sit here today I am poor, I have no money when I could have had millions, I have no job when I could be a bank executive or even a congressman, I could have been many things but it was YOUR WILL FOR ME NOT TO BE THOSE THINGS. So I ask You again for the millionth time WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO DO ????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ????
I am here Lord, at Your feet confused, with no direction, I am a ship in the storm without a rudder or a captain, I am going nowhere, I have nowhere to go. I believe in my heart that I am doing the right thing, I believe this fast has a purpose and that I will emerge triumphant from it and that I will be closer to You when it is done. On the other hand my mind and my brain waver and doubt, they think this is useless and even though I am applying for jobs and trying to find work, the fast is not working. There is no connection My Lord between my heart and my brain, they are working independently and this cannot be, they must work together to serve You better. I make great efforts to bring them together, every day it is harder for my heart to convince my brain that what I am doing is right and brings me closer to You and my goal. Every morning I waker in fear of the electricity being shut down, the water, cable, internet, not having enough gasd to drive Victoria to school or not having money for her to eat at school or for us to buy groceries. These are real needs My Lord and my brain for some reasons even after my heart wins the battle, drifts back to these thoughts and makes me worry and makes me sad. You say that I must abandon myself in Your arms and forget all my troubles because they are taken care of. It is easier said than done, unfortunately there are things that must be bought and paid for,they will not be provided by faith alone.
Which brings us to another question, am I supposed to sit around the house and pray all day ?? Will the work come to me out of the blue, sent by YOu or should I continue searching and applying for jobs. Should I sit around and wait for the food to fall on my lap today or should I go out and try to borrow money ?? What should I tell the people I owe money to, when should I say I will pay them, how will I pay them?? These are all questions that are in my mind Lord, quest0ons I ask You every morning and every afternoon and every night while I pray, could You answer them for me?? Dear Jesus these are all logical questions that turn around and around in my head all day and night, I know there is no logic in You, I know that You are Almighty and nothing is beyond Your capabilities, My Lord You made the Universe, what is a little ffod and a little money too You, NOTHING. I am not dounbting Your ways or Your time or You at all My God, please be sure of this, I am faithful to You and I belive that eventuañlly things will be okay and eventually the skies will open and we will be blessed, my kids will go back to the university and there will be food on our table and we will look back at these times and smile because You love us and Your promises were fulfilled. I love You Lord and there is nothing more that I would rather do than serve You for the rest of my life. I have delivered myself, my family and our lives into Your hands for You to do as You please, there is no change in this, I am begging You Dear Jesus for You to send the Holy Spirit upon me so that the final connection between brain and heart be made, I beg You to open the flood doors Jesus so that feelings and thoughts may become one and there are no more doubts or hesitations ANYWHERE in my body and soul.
Dear Jesus I want to feel like I have never felt before, pain, sorrow, happiness, love, care all the rainbow of feelings, I want to go through, them I want to feel hunger when I see a child begging on the street, I want to feel happiness when I hug my children, I want to feel with my heart, not my head. Dear Jesus Right now, and for a long time, my feelings have been created by mu brain, it decides when I must be happy or sadd. I know that what I am asking for may be a bit too much to handle but I beg You Jesus grant my wish, I need Dear Lord to let go of some many years of accumulated feelings that sometimes I feel my chest is going to burst wide open. There is pain, dissapointment, hurt, sorrow, so many things bottled up inside of me that I belive they p´´revent me from coming closer to You, I believe this lack of feeling does not allow me to close the gap between us. I beg You Jesus free my heart , break the steel walls surrounding it and let Your light shine through. Dear Jesus I beg you breach the way so that my decisions and my actions are guided by my heart and not my mind for You are a God of love and mercy and not a God of brains and logic. Thank you Jesus in you I trust.
