Hungry4love357
Servant of All
I am 23 years old, and almost out of collage, and God has not revealed that special Christian lady into my life yet. I fear all the letters that I wrote to my future bride, have been written in vein. I just don't get it. I pray, I read my Bible, I give my tithe, I try to lead a Christian life style, and sure I'm not perfect, but I don't understand why I am being punished by this curse. Why the autism, why the social awkwardness, why can't I make friends like normal person. Why does it seem like I have to work so hard for things God just graciously gives others, if they are no better than I. Sure I am blessed in other ways, but why am I not allowed to date. Why am I so far behind everyone else. I just want to be normal. I just want my prayer to be answered. I keep discovering things in my life that I have to keep working on and improving on before I can even begin to have a romantic relationship. It seems like I just get buried under all my problems, all the stuff I have to work on if I'm ever going to make it that far. Yet I feel like I'm going backwards, and I can't go forwards no matter how hard I try. all this pressure to make enough money, not struggling with lust, not being immature, being independent, having high self-esteem, all stuff I find myself fighting against, and it seems like I always lose these battles, despite prayer, and reliance on Christs power. I feel like I am failing miserably and not making any progress. sometimes I just want to take a bottle of pills and just end it all. I try to go out, I try to meet new people, I go to collage, it's not like I don't have the opportunities, yet somehow I always miss out. Everyday is the same thing, nothing changes. I'm sick of my life. i don't know why I expect God to change things. It has not changed in 11 years, why would it change now? I can't do this anymore. I keep messing up somewhere, and I can't do anything more. I feel like my desires for that friend have been used against me, to drive me away from God, and I don't know how to deal with it. I just can't take it. I'll never be good enough for my future wife, or God. I'm always one step behind. I want to say I give up, but, I know good and well, I would be lying to myself. I would be back on my hands and knees again sooner or later asking God for her again. But all I ever here is No. I tried not asking for a while, but that desire always comes back hungrier than before, and no matter how much I cry out for Her, he still says No. I can't even have a friend, that's a girl. it's like God just wants me to struggle with this, wants me to cry. Then I get teased by all the other Christian couples. Those guys must have something I don't. God favors them over me, and I don't know why. It's like he just hates me. I don't want to believe that, but the more He rejects me, the more I believe he does not care. i need a revival. I need Jesus, God, I need Him to manifest somehow, because I'm burning out fast. I contemplate suicide now more than ever. Why can't I just be comfortable with myself? I don't know. I was at one time, but those days are no longer here. Now I have trust issues, I'm very insecure, and I just don't believe in myself anymore. Maybe if I were accepted more I would not feel like such an out cast, but I can only take so much rejection. There are so many things that hold me down, and I can,t break any of it. It's hopeless.
