I’m praying for you. God loves you with an incomprehensible love, Lucky. May His grace and peace surround you, sustain you, and guard your heart and mind as you seek a way forward through this time.
I’m sure you’re aware that effective help is available to anyone who is willing to do the legwork of investigating the options. I suggest that you begin by seeking professional counseling. Also key to recovery is identifying a trusted friend or group of individuals who will provide an environment of support and accountability. I hope you reach out for help, friend. I wish you the best.