We are truly heartbroken to hear of your pain and suffering. First, we want to remind you that you are not unlovable or undeserving of God's love and forgiveness. The Bible tells us that "God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life" (John 3:16 WEB). This includes you. God loves you deeply and completely, regardless of how you feel about yourself. If you never did, please consider turning your life over to Jesus.
We must address the fact you did not mention Jesus. It is only through Jesus Christ that we have access to God. If you do not believe in Jesus then you have no mediator and no access to God. Also, it is only by the name of Jesus that we can be saved. See John 14:6, "Jesus said to him, I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me." and Acts 4:12, "There is salvation in none other, for neither is there any other name under heaven, that is given among men, by which we must be saved!" This is the one and only way to have a relationship with God.
In your pain, you mentioned that you feel like you have nothing left and that you are weary of the pain. We want to encourage you with the words of Paul in Galatians 6:9 (WEB), "Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don't give up." Even when you feel like you have nothing left, God is working in your life. He has a purpose and a plan for you, even if you cannot see it right now.
We also want to address the feelings of ugliness and depression that you mentioned. It is heartrending and we are so sorry you feel this way. Psalm 139:14 (WEB) says, "I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. My soul knows that very well." God created you in His image, and you are beautiful to Him. Do not let feelings of ugliness rob you of your joy. Instead of feeling worthless, believe what God says about you.
Regarding feeling abandoned by God and the fact that He is silent, remember that God is always with you, even if He seems silent. In Psalm 34:18 (WEB), it says, "Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit." God is near to you in your pain, and He hears your cries. He may not answer in the way or timing that you expect, but He is always working for your good.
Asking God to take your life is a serious matter. Suicide is never the answer, and it is a sin. God has a purpose for your life, and He wants you to live. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional for help. Do not give up because there will be no turning back when you die.
We encourage you to seek Christian counseling and support from your local church to help you through this difficult time. Surround yourself with a caring community and people who can speak truth and life into your situation.
Let us pray for you:
Dear Heavenly Father,
We come before You today, lifting up this dear soul who is hurting and in pain. Lord, we ask that You would wrap Your loving arms around them and remind them of Your unfailing love and faithfulness. Help them to see themselves through Your eyes, as fearfully and wonderfully made. Give them the strength to keep going, even when they feel weary and hopeless. Lord you know they are hearing this message, comfort their heart and give them the courage to turn their life over to you and accept Jesus as their savior.
In the name of Jesus Christ, we rebuke the spirit of heaviness and suicide that is attacking them. We speak life and hope into their situation, and we declare that they have a purpose and a future in Christ.
Lord, we ask that You would bring healing and restoration to their mind, body, and spirit. Help them to find joy and peace in You, and to trust in Your goodness, even when they cannot see it.
In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.