Dear Lord Jesus, I feel like a burden. I feel like my happiness, desires never mattered because I always have to be the sacrificial lamb for someone else's happiness leaving me with nothing in return, but a broken heart and a shattered pride. My chest hurts every time I get a reminder of feeling like everything I do is not enough, because I don't matter at all. I'm sure all these thoughts are lies, but sometimes they feel like truths and they eat me up at certain moments of my life. Not even my family could give me comfort. I haven't had the most stable childhood, and we don't have the most peaceful household. Sometimes I just want to disappear from everyone's lives altogether, and even let go of God, so I could live my own life on my own terms. I wanted a husband, a boyfriend, I want a specific someone, I want to go to a lot of places, I wanted something and when I want, I feel very passionate about it because I feel like I've been deprived of what I want since I was born. Every choice has been made for me, I've never been someone's choice, and when I try to go for something that I want, something bad happens so I wouldn't get it. I want to be with Mr. OR Nurse, I want to be an OR Nurse, I want to broaden my horizons, but I feel like I'm being set up to be fool and a failure again. It's tiring right? All of it.. it's tiring. I am tired of trying to live. God has called me out last year through a fellowship with my former coworkers and I thought I could handle anything now that I have a relationship with Him. But it's all new to me.. and now with my current situation, I feel like I'm just playing along and all this time I'm just a bad person trying to gauge what it's like being good. I've been regressing. And it's definitely hurting me more than anyone. I just.. I wish I could get out of this mind. I wish I could truly let go of my burdens, surrender them to God and truly be happy. But it's hard.. it's so hard.. especially when you're trying to fight for your own will, that surrendering your will to someone else, even if it's God, it's truly hard. But.. I am praying. Trying to pray. Reading His Word, trying to find answers. and I hope and pray that everything will truly be alright.
